Thursday, February 13, 2014

What It Must Be Like To KNOW One Of Us

Today, I don't know. Today, I feel beat up by the world. I have had two significant thoughts which I have decided to share. I'm going to share one - I've never been close to any person that has an ED, I've never actually known anyone with what I would say is a persistent, habitual eating disorder. My BFF in university claimed to have an eating disorder, but I'd say she was just very conscious of food, went on one summer of extreme 'ED-esque' dieting, then gained it all back and has never had a problem since. I couldn't say if she had an ED or if maybe she wanted one. LOL - remember the days when we "wanted" an ED. Stupid children. I remember looking at pro-ana websites, wishing... praying for the strength. Anyway, the reason I thought about this was because at the moment I'm about 5kgs smaller than I was when I started at my company, I hardly ever eat in the office and when I do it's like... small snacky things. I never have the birthday cake, I never drink beer when we go out or order big meals at company lunches. I never eat the snacks on offer. I just wonder if a) anyone notices, b) if they do would they say something about it and c) what it must be like to know someone who had a habitual ED as part of their daily lives. I mean - for those of you that have boyfriends or families that see it on a day to day basis... I mean - how do they accept it... I mean - we know it's not good for us, but like. We can't do it any differently, I wouldn't know what it was like to eat freely or calorie count. Even when I'm not in control and am eating too much, I am conscious of it and hating myself for every uncontrolled mouthful that I take. Do our friends not say anything because they don't want to 'feed' the desire to be skinnier, because let's face it - when someone says "have you lost weight?" and you respond with a casual 'nah, just a skinny day'. WE FUCKING LOVE IT. I love it, it is the best thinspo in the world. On the other hand, I believe my friends don't say anything because they're jealous... It's probably not true, but it is true. Or they want us to eat so that we can be fat like them. I dunno, it's a pointless musing, but I was just thinking about it on the way home. A front row seat to self-destruction. 

Anyway, today with food I was completely unmotivated. I didn't lose a fucking ounce today. BOOM. 62.9kg. Two days in a row. I almost binged on lunch... and dinner, but I mostly rescued it. Considering that I decided to binge and then undecided. The reason I undecided was because I want to see if this plateau lasts three days in a row... i.e. what I'm going to weigh tomorrow without it. So today I had a soy latte (148), popcorn (88), mango (65), zero cal red bull (LIES! 4) and risotto cakes (500) - totalling 805 for the day... I'm feel like I'm forgetting something. Anyway, let's see what it is tomorrow. :) Wish me luck?

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

5 comments:

Katie Elizabeth said...

To answer your question, my fiancé sees me every single day struggle with my ed. He doesn't handle it very well. Most of the time he looks the other way when I make my way to the bathroom or skip lunch. About once a week we will have a serious discussion where I tell him I will try harder or cease the behaviors. It's very frustrating for the both of us. Hopefully your scale reads a smaller number tomorrow. Hold in there dear.
XOXO

ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

we "wanted" an ED. stupid children. thank you.
i wonder what people say when you don't have the birthday cake.
i'd probably not be able to resist. once there was one of those events with loads of sweeties, and i got a huge brownie and a biscuit and was so pleased at myself.
to answer your question, Rachel doesn't really know what to say. she accepts the fact that i want to lose weight but is persistent on the idea that i'm already perfect as i am and that kind of crap. it just makes me want to yell at her half the time. we have opposing problems. she thinks she has a perfect body, but a shitty face. i think i don't give a fuck about my face but my body has to be the super skinny version of itself or else sort of thing. she wants to be called beautiful and pretty and if someone calls me that, i get pissed off because i believe people say that only because they THINK i have an issue with beauty. darling, i know i'm pretty. so what? i don't care. that kind of thing.
wow. this turned into a rant.
you and i are one kilo apart from each other. w h o a. i'm at 61.9kg. and incredibly frustrated with my scale as well.
what is the magical 88kcal popcorn you speak of
i had to look up risotto cakes.
although this may be difficult, i suggest that you eat your heaviest meal of the day a while before your dinner time. i mean i LOVE eating most of my calories late at night but most of the time it just backfires for me and i end up either maintaining or gaining regardless of calorie count of the day. my day has to be pretty spread out.
i just looked up what a risotto cake was
i'm sorry. is that what heaven looks like?

-Sam Lupin

Jinkx said...

That's a brilliant question actually. I think that there are two important aspects; a) how close to you these people are and b) how much they know about EDs. Because most people don't know enough (or at least where I live they don't). They've heard of anorexia and bulimia and have vague idea what it is but no way they can understand everyday reality of ED.
I spend most of my time at university and I never eat there and some people notice. But we're not close enough for them to actually care to do more than point it out. And my boyfriend and family don't know enough to worry.
That being said, I belive that knowing some plagued with ED and caring about them must be horrific, painful and exhausting - especially if you've never experienced it and have no means to truly understand what's happening. We're horrible people to love.

abc.girl.divine said...

My ed actually didn't start as a wish to have ed. I didn't even know about ed's before i had one :)
I don't know anyone that currently
has an ed.
I don't know if all of my friends are like: "you are too skinny" because of jealousy or because they really think that. Some are jealous I'm sure!
And about living and working with others and having ed habits - it's hard if they know you had ed in the past. But you can always tell you're trying to eat only healthy, raw food,that you are allergic to something and that sort of stuff. I live with my husband and his folks and it's hard for me to hide it because he knows about my ed past. He confronts me if he thinks I'm relapsing but I am a medical in my home so I think up some story and get him of my back.

Finally Perfection said...

Excellent question! My husband knows I have a messed up relationship with food - he knows that I binge and eat the wrong things, so because I'm such a whale, he is pleased when I start restricting because he thinks I am too fat. I am going to go from too fat to too skinny this time, though. Presently, it kind of feels a bit like autho-rexia, if that is a thing. He's naturally underweight, so... yeah.