Today, I don't know. Today, I feel beat up by the world. I have had two significant thoughts which I have decided to share. I'm going to share one - I've never been close to any person that has an ED, I've never actually known anyone with what I would say is a persistent, habitual eating disorder. My BFF in university claimed to have an eating disorder, but I'd say she was just very conscious of food, went on one summer of extreme 'ED-esque' dieting, then gained it all back and has never had a problem since. I couldn't say if she had an ED or if maybe she wanted one. LOL - remember the days when we "wanted" an ED. Stupid children. I remember looking at pro-ana websites, wishing... praying for the strength. Anyway, the reason I thought about this was because at the moment I'm about 5kgs smaller than I was when I started at my company, I hardly ever eat in the office and when I do it's like... small snacky things. I never have the birthday cake, I never drink beer when we go out or order big meals at company lunches. I never eat the snacks on offer. I just wonder if a) anyone notices, b) if they do would they say something about it and c) what it must be like to know someone who had a habitual ED as part of their daily lives. I mean - for those of you that have boyfriends or families that see it on a day to day basis... I mean - how do they accept it... I mean - we know it's not good for us, but like. We can't do it any differently, I wouldn't know what it was like to eat freely or calorie count. Even when I'm not in control and am eating too much, I am conscious of it and hating myself for every uncontrolled mouthful that I take. Do our friends not say anything because they don't want to 'feed' the desire to be skinnier, because let's face it - when someone says "have you lost weight?" and you respond with a casual 'nah, just a skinny day'. WE FUCKING LOVE IT. I love it, it is the best thinspo in the world. On the other hand, I believe my friends don't say anything because they're jealous... It's probably not true, but it is true. Or they want us to eat so that we can be fat like them. I dunno, it's a pointless musing, but I was just thinking about it on the way home. A front row seat to self-destruction.
Anyway, today with food I was completely unmotivated. I didn't lose a fucking ounce today. BOOM. 62.9kg. Two days in a row. I almost binged on lunch... and dinner, but I mostly rescued it. Considering that I decided to binge and then undecided. The reason I undecided was because I want to see if this plateau lasts three days in a row... i.e. what I'm going to weigh tomorrow without it. So today I had a soy latte (148), popcorn (88), mango (65), zero cal red bull (LIES! 4) and risotto cakes (500) - totalling 805 for the day... I'm feel like I'm forgetting something. Anyway, let's see what it is tomorrow. :) Wish me luck?
Peace & Love