Sunday, September 14, 2014

It's All Fault For Fat Shaming ME! #obsessed

I had a really interesting conversation with a girlfriend of mine yesterday and I've been thinking about it a lot. So I thought I'd share it here, because context to this discussion is that my BFF, who still lives in Cape Town is grossly overweight. About 220lbs is my guess. Nonetheless, her major issue is that she can't control her portions and her intake. She really is a textbook case of an emotional overeater. But she also plays into her weaknesses and won't take any control of it - i.e. her issues are her issues and she is too helpless to overcome them. BE THAT AS IT MAY - we both have one person in our lives who we are a tiny bit obsessed with. Before I get to that, let me back up. 

We were having a conversation about my eating situation at the moment and how I've given up weighing for exercising. That is however a different thing entirely. SO, we were talking about this and it got onto the subject of fat shaming. Basically, a few weeks ago she got fat shamed badly by a girl who she considers to be a good friend of hers. Something along the lines of: "I've only put on my weight in the last two years, but I feel so sorry for you that you've let yourself get like this." In her words, she was annoyed. On the one hand, I'm like - bitch, you ARE FAT! How can you be surprised that people pity you - I PITY YOU. (She is also on tinder at the moment and has posted pics of herself where she looks a normal size - and I rue the day that she goes on a date and finds out that men need to know you're fat prior to the date, because when you show up and they are expecting a thin girl, you are FUCKED! Just be honest about your appearance, it will hurt less in the long run!)

ANYWAY, so we were talking about how fat shaming is just unacceptable and how my eating disorder (and her over-eating disorder to some extent) was brought on by this idea that someone had fat shamed me. Now this fat shaming came in a number of different forms - it came from all the numerous men who had hit on my skinny friends, but not me. It came from my grandfather who said (when I was 13) that I needed to go on diet after our holiday because of my stomach. It came from the (NUMEROUS) insensitive jokes from people over the years asking me if I was pregnant, because my luck - my weight all sits on my stomach. It comes from being the fat friend. It comes from being the fat daughter. It comes from wanting so desperately to be skinny to have what my thin friends had - attention. Positive attention. It comes from me not thinking that I am good enough for any of my boyfriends, because skinnier girls hit on them and OBVIOUSLY that's more attractive than me. 

Tying into this is a girl named Vicky. I met Vicky at a music festival called RAMFest, where she was camping next to us with her boyfriend at the time... whose name I forget. ANYWAY, Vicky was tiny - short and petite with the most BANGING petite body, skinny and toned. She was covered in tattoos, had a couple of cute piercings and punky short bright red hair. She walked around in a bikini the entire festival long. I was there with Roy, we had just hooked up and this was our first outing together. When it came to Vicky, I wanted to BE her. She had attitude, was alternative, smart and a total badass. Most of all, she had the appearance that I wish I had - pixie. I looked at Roy and I looked at her and I just thought - there is no way Roy and I will ever work out, because I will never look like that. Through her being her normal awesome self, she had fat shamed me. She had done absolutely nothing wrong, but she had shamed me. 

Because of that over the years, I've kept tabs on Vicky. Over the years, she has made a series of bad decisions about her appearance - bad tattoes, bad hair, bad piercings and CLEARLY bad dietary choices. Vicky has put on rather a lot of weight over the years. Every time a new picture on facebook of Vicky comes up, I send it to my BFF and we discuss how she's let herself go and I can't believe how big she is. I secretly fat shame Vicky. Never to her face obviously, because 1) the only reason I have her on fb is to stalk, not because we are friends and 2) she'd probably kick my ass all up and down the curb. 

So when I was talking to my bestie about how awful and pathetic people are that fat shame, she mentioned Vicky and how I/we fat shame her, albeit secretly. (FYI - my BFF also has a person like this, except unlike Vicky and I, she's gotten thin, while my BFF has gotten fat.) 

I don't really know what the point of this post was in all honesty. I mean - I find it ironic how the person who did nothing wrong to me, except just be her awesome self, someone I envied was one of the many people who unintentionally fat shamed me because of my own insecurities about my weight and I would easily point a finger at them for fat shaming me - is it a crime to be skinny!? Meanwhile, I am the real villain in this whole story, because I fat shamed myself and now, I fat shame her. (AGAIN, I would never do that to her face. TWO-FACED!)

I just thought I'd share this story with y'all. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo


cursum perficio said...

I'm fat (seriously, BMI +30) and I fat shame people. At least I'm working on it; people who don't, well, I have no sympathy for them. I am a shit.

Emily Carter said...

It is human nature to project one's own insecurities on others. This means that the only people that "fat shame" are those with body issues. All we can do it be aware and try to not let our own inadequacies reflect how we treat and speak of others.

I commend you for even noticing. Sometimes I find myself hating someone I deem having the "perfect" body and not even knowing why.