I feel a bit defeated today... :(
I am defeated by work, because it feels like I'm running on a hamster wheel and my projects are just not doing very well and I don't know what I can do to fix them or if it's just me. Am I the problem? My colleague, who is NOT half as good as I am...
maybe she is good and I'm just the problem is getting to go on uber important business missions to Central America for weeks at a time and I can't even get to my shit. It's like they are working me like a dog on shit projects and then freeing up her schedule so she can go on amazing trips. I'm just bleak. I've finally made the decision that I'm going to go back into law, so I'll start my LPC next April. Time to be a lawyer, I'm sick of being in this role, even though the travelling is great.
I'm defeated by my body. I'm working hard to not binge and I still haven't - legit, have not binged in two weeks, haven't weighed and HAVE worked out every two days since last Sunday - I even threw in a bonus day yesterday, but fuck it. I don't look any thinner, I don't look any more toned. I just don't feel like it's working. I mean - is this it? I finally get to a good place where I don't want to obsess over my weight on the scale and instead am taking to a binge-free, scale-free, exercising lifestyle and I'm still disgusting and fat? HOW DO NORMAL PEOPLE DO THIS!? I don't want to crack and go back. I don't want to binge and starve anymore - I just DON'T WANT THAT!!!!! But if this doesn't work then what the fuck am I going to do? I'm going to weigh myself on Monday next week and if the scale isn't reflecting, I think this "healthy" phase might be over.
Fucking bleakers, yo. Fucking. Bleakers.
Kak & Despair