Thursday, January 12, 2012

I Feel Beautiful When I'm Hungry

Two nights ago I had an epic binge. Like a whole block of blue cheese, about 150g of wholegrain crackers, a third of a jar of peanut butter, curry. It was epic. And the next day when you wake up and you are SO bloated and full of food, I just felt disgusting. Logically, on the scale I had only gained about 1lb. So there is no noticeable difference right? WRONG. Incorrect mutha fucker. TRY AGAIN. I went to work yesterday after this binge and I felt fat and useless the whole evening. I had the belly of a pregnant woman. I swear. It was like moby dick jumped out the ocean trotted down from the waterfront and started seating people in a restaurant. Then yesterday even though I failed and ate sushi and half a nan, by about 12pm I was walking around my mothers house and my tummy started growling. OMG. I have a habit when I sit of grabbing my stomach or rather rubbing it to see how much it protrudes and then stretching to see if my ribs are still there. LOVE IT. And today, ... you know when you look in the mirror as an ED biatch you turn and touch and grab, when I did that I was almost proud that I felt hungry and it made me feel a million times better. Anyway... my little rant today.

So.. today I managed to not have any cows milk - despite myself, because I work from my moms house and obviously they don't buy soy milk. So it was black coffee, green tea or nothing. So I had coffee with honey in it. I know technically honey isn't vegan - but there is some debate about that. I mean it is not made from any part of the bee, the bees just make it. SO - I don't actually consider it to be not vegan. And then I got home and failed - I had chicken cheese tandoori. Yes, so I had chicken. WHATEVER. And cheese. FUCKING WHATEVER! I think a bit later when I get hungry, which I probably will, I shall have a mango. Because I have three left and I need the vitamins. So that should keep my calorie count for today below 500. So it's not a fast, and I failed the fruit fast, but okay - maybe I need to let the fruit fast go. Because, we alll know with the fasting and restricting that there is only one thing that works at a time. And at the moment, even though I love fruit fasts - they aren't working for me. So 500 cal per day restriction is working - I shall roll with it.

The boy left for Durban today. Which sucks because he will be gone until Sunday evening. I need to learn to be okay by myself. So tonight I want to pastel some canvas :D What do I feel like... I DON'T KNOW!

Anyway, enough of my rants. I am now going to catch up on my lovely flowers lives.

Beauty & Sadness
Xo Xo


Charlie said...

I know exactly what you're talking about. Even if it's just half a pound, it pretty much is about ten inches of fat everywhere.

Don't beat yourself up about the chicken and cheese. :) Veganism is really hard!

Little Miss Thin ♥ said...

You could try vegetarian and then progress to vegan? It might be easier.

And tell me about it, bloat adds soo much volume it's unreal. xx

By All Means said...

I try so hard to stick to fasts as well and it never works because people at work always want to go for lunch and I have to eat. But under 500 cals is a great alternative!

pursuit_of_happiness said...

im with little miss thin, its a lot easier of lifestyle change to go veggie first.

Rhianna said...

Yeah I'd agree to letting the fasts go, the only way I could ever do them is if i stayed the fuck away from food and kept busy. 90% fail. Better to restrict, gives easier control.


❤ ♥ Sam [Misha] Lupin ❥ ❣ said...

...hmm. is blue cheese good? just asking.
a 1lb gain. gah. at least the scale is sweet. also, gah. i just hate that! that bloat! right now. a lot of times. i don't have the bloat. but the numbers on the scale suck ass. i'd rather not have the bloat and steer away from the scale for a while than have the bloat. you just feel disgusting overall!
oh. i also have this habit also. if you punch the first part of my ribcage, you just feel bone. even my hip. if you hit into my hip, all you feel is bone, or so my sister claims. she uses it to hurt me. doesn't show. YET. ;) i have such a weird bony large structure. i sometimes wonder if i even think of getting down to a 100lbs or 90lbs, how much my bones would show. because seriously, a lot of girls that are posting about things i can see have BMI's of 20, and 19.
muscle. it fucking sucks. Christian Bale agrees.
i wonder if Christian Bale ever binges anyway.
really? i always thought of honey as being non-vegan. that's why currently i can't transit to vegan. i omitted a lot of my cheese intake though.
ewwwww chicken. xD. i seriously cannot even smell chicken anymore. much less eat it. the ex was good for something. she used to hate pizza too, so i thought of cutting that out - but i'm kind of human.
500kcal would work! :)
also...i seriously do not even know about the boy.
-Sam Lupin
PS. George growls at him.