So yesterday, I got an email from a girl in college in England who is studying the effects of media on eating disorders... or the link. or something like that. And she asked if I would answer some questions for her sociology... something. Alcohol haze. Anyway, so the questions are basically aimed at looking at the influence that these blogs make on eating disorders etc etc. You get the picture. And it got me to thinking you know. On one hand, these blogs are definitely triggering, because people read them and as if the misery that is my life isn't appealing enough, it does 'encourage' people to have develop eating disordered patterns. But those people. I don't think those are true eating disordered types. Those to me are the people that will eventually recover and lead happy lives. I think there definitely is potential that people that have recovered may be triggered by these blogs and slip into ED patterns. But then, can you really attribute responsibility to my blog (our blogs), if they were seeking out blogs like ours, clearly there was something that was triggering them long before they stumbled upon my dribble.
On the other hand. Without this blog, without others' blogs, without the constant support and love that I get from this online ana community, I'd be lost. I'd be dead. I would no longer be walking this earth. It is through the understanding and love that I get from this blog, the messages that. Although they are short and shallow, they mean nothing really, I don't know who they are from. Without those messages of understanding telling me that I can make it through another day. That I won't be fat forever. That Roy is an assbag fuck nut. Without those little words of encouragement, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be sane either. Because as a bulimic or anorexic, you think you are absolutely nuts for thinking the things you do. Or for wanting to saw your body in half just to be tiny. But then you read blogs and you see that you are not alone. That your crazy thoughts just aren't that crazy. And that keeps you together a bit, just for one more day. And we all know that the pain and the hurt can only be dealt with one minute at a time. And then one by one I get emails saying that some lovely beautiful flower has commented, telling me that it is all going to be okay. Or that they understand how I feel. I also feel less lonely, I feel like. Everyone in my life passes me by. No one knows that I stare in the mirror and draw invisible lines with my hands on all the pieces that i'd like to staple together and cut off. But I can say those things. And you won't tell me 'oh just eat something.' ... if only it were that simple.
So I guess what I am saying. I am saying that I am sorry if I have triggered any of you reading this blog. I am not pro-ana. I say this over and over and over. But as selfish as it may be, I NEED this blog. I NEED the support. I NEED this help. Because no one understands. No one gets it.
I'm still fat.
Peace & Love