Friday, September 14, 2012

The First Day

Well I managed to get through the first day of successful restricting and now it is almost 3pm on day two. It is so fucking weird that this is like teaching myself to eat less again. Like, I've only been properly restricting for a year now, why is this so hard. I'm thinking though that if I behave i may be able to see 50's again by Monday. I have so much work to do, but I ordered this long sleeve lace dress and I'm determined to look amazing in it. So fuck food. I don't want to ever eat again. I can't believe how fat my face has gotten in the past few weeks. It just goes to show that if you don't pay constant attention to these things they will bite you in the ass. But making that ass fat. Fuck that.

I had a bit of a sad lonely almost cry about my ex again last night. You know, I remember thinking a couple of months ago that there will come a time in my life when he literally will just be someone that I dated briefly, and despite the fact that it still hurts everyday, it is starting to become like that. I look at pics of him now. And its just like so much has changed since we were happy. Oh well. I guess that chapter of my life truly is over now and I have other things to look forward to. *sigh*

Coco is helping me today. She is so strong for me when I need her to be. Unbelievable. I walk around London, in high heels, this is my new things, heels always. My feet need to get used to it and let me tell you. The blisters that I have on my feet are not natural. Anyway, so I walk around feeling like a total rockstar most of the time. Its like I want people to look at me. Its funny, because even though I have moved on from my old life, I still feel like I'm standing in the middle of a huge crowd screaming for someone to notice me. Maybe people just get tired of people like us. People with drama. Maybe. I'm just really tired to needing people to notice me to feel like I exist. I guess this post doesn't really make all that much sense, but I dunno. Sometimes I feel like its all just useless. And that no matter how hard I try, I will always have to try harder. The effort involved in that, makes it seem completely useless. Worthless. Pointless. Emo much? I'm listening to the Used. 'nuff said.

Blue & Yellow
Xo Xo

12 comments:

FFAgirl said...

just stay strong. it will all get better. and congrats on the dress ;) cant wait to fit into mine again. im here if u ever need someone to listen.

**Lara** said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Minty said...

Believe me, I know exactly what you mean when you say that you feel like you're always craving attention.
Anyways, just offering up my support.
It'll work out.

Tatyana said...

Oh, attention. Who wouldn't love that? People kneeling down and telling you nice things. Looking at you with amazed looks when you pass them... for me it's love hate. I love it but at the same time I hate it.

Stay strong darling. <3

Little Miss Thin ♥ said...

The dress sounds lovely, I'm sure you'll be a knockout in it! Love <3

Steph Conners said...

I'm so inspired by you! You have lost so much weight, you make me think I can do it, too.

Alice May said...

I love the used :)
I am in the same place at the moment, I need to teach my body to get used to less food again.
You can do this, you have come so and are so strong!
That dress will look gorgeous! I am in need of some new clothes too but I'm reluctant to buy them as I don't want to stay at this weight or ever return to it.
Alice xx

Impractical Shopper said...

Hey I've been following for a while but just wanted to catch up on all your 2012 posts I can't believe you are here in London ritght now that is soo AMAZE!! It actually occurred to me the other day that yours is the first blog of this nature I ever read which I found in 2009 when googling how to become a size zero! You were amazing back then and still are I think your incredible for actually getting to your first goal weight and I know you'll be able to again as your level of self control is awesome. Anyhu thanks for your words I really enjoy reading and please drop by my blog xxx

WinterA said...

Yay for Coco!

It is always hard getting back on track after eating normal or more than what you are use to. I can't explain really either but I look at it as my body was enjoying all that good food and does not want to let it go.

Awwww*hugs* I still cry about people I use to know. I lost touch with some of my friends or social buddies from highschool. The only ex I cry over is this guy I dated in middle. I actually loved him but his personality changed in highschool and we went to different schools, he become really selfish. Even now he has not tried to contact me once since I stopped talking to him( for that reason, his selfishness ) It has been almost a year too. We haven't dated in over 10 years and haven't hooked up in 6 years.

Sorry to ramble here. Back to you. I know you are going to get back on track with your goals and kick your work in the balls. I mostly can't wait for your friends to see you again and see how thin you got. They will probably act like they don't notice since they were so quick to rub in your face how you gained weight. Sorry I have not forgotten about that comment. Even I want to beat these girls out with being the thinnest and I don't even know them.

Have a great day tomorrow Zero. You did this before and I know you can do it again. I gave you 3 days to get back into habit :-) okay maybe a week lol

Anonymous said...

You're so inspirational I had a decently bad binge day today considering i restrict myself to almost no food, aside from a handful of almonds, but reading your posts reassures me I can do better tomorrow. Wish me luck on my two day fast :)

EnHL3 said...

trust me this post makes a lot of sense,at least it does for me...
its only been two months since i started "RESTRICTING" and ive managed to lose 10kgs but the sad news is that none of this adipose is leaving my body in the past two weeks my body is just not responding anymore!so now im constantly asking myself whether all of this is worth it and whether ill ever be happy again.
im kinda seeing someone lately,and the bizarre thing is he has already caught on with my sick eating habits ...so he asked the other day what do i enjoy eating cause he cant seem to figure that out.i couldnt even think of anything at that moment without considering the calories it has and the carbs,and al of that nonsense!#at that moment i knew that my life is spiralling out of control.../im bingeing one day the next im fasting its sick.and the poor guy is confused and im scared.cause i wonder if all of this is worth it in the end u know,its fucking crazy lately im just sad and mopylike i dont even understand me anymore...so Piggy i think i know what u are going through i geniunely feel fucking useless too right now cause im messing up each days eating schedule yet im unhappy about my weight,so its all just one big mess and on the plus side i managed to drag a normal decent guy into all of this!!!i feel so fucken helpless right now i feel like just giving up but how do i act normal again/be normal if i cant even eat a piece of chicken and not end up crying or bingeing like a crazy animal///#;/;''FUCK I JUST WANNA DIE...THIS IS TOO MUCH *crying*

hey.hana said...

I was restricting well for a while because I was partying all the time and who needs food then? Then I became a health nut and that worked for a while until I injured myself from too many workouts.

I gave up hope for only a couple months and now I'm the highest weight I've EVER been and am kicking myself for letting this happen! Slash coming back to restricting is HARD and I can't believe I was ever 10+ lbs lighter than I am now................................

Thanks for helping me feel inspired/motivated/like I can DO this :]