Well I managed to get through the first day of successful restricting and now it is almost 3pm on day two. It is so fucking weird that this is like teaching myself to eat less again. Like, I've only been properly restricting for a year now, why is this so hard. I'm thinking though that if I behave i may be able to see 50's again by Monday. I have so much work to do, but I ordered this long sleeve lace dress and I'm determined to look amazing in it. So fuck food. I don't want to ever eat again. I can't believe how fat my face has gotten in the past few weeks. It just goes to show that if you don't pay constant attention to these things they will bite you in the ass. But making that ass fat. Fuck that.
I had a bit of a sad lonely almost cry about my ex again last night. You know, I remember thinking a couple of months ago that there will come a time in my life when he literally will just be someone that I dated briefly, and despite the fact that it still hurts everyday, it is starting to become like that. I look at pics of him now. And its just like so much has changed since we were happy. Oh well. I guess that chapter of my life truly is over now and I have other things to look forward to. *sigh*
Coco is helping me today. She is so strong for me when I need her to be. Unbelievable. I walk around London, in high heels, this is my new things, heels always. My feet need to get used to it and let me tell you. The blisters that I have on my feet are not natural. Anyway, so I walk around feeling like a total rockstar most of the time. Its like I want people to look at me. Its funny, because even though I have moved on from my old life, I still feel like I'm standing in the middle of a huge crowd screaming for someone to notice me. Maybe people just get tired of people like us. People with drama. Maybe. I'm just really tired to needing people to notice me to feel like I exist. I guess this post doesn't really make all that much sense, but I dunno. Sometimes I feel like its all just useless. And that no matter how hard I try, I will always have to try harder. The effort involved in that, makes it seem completely useless. Worthless. Pointless. Emo much? I'm listening to the Used. 'nuff said.
Blue & Yellow