Thursday, September 27, 2012

Sad and Lonely Drinking

... I do this quite a lot. Sad and lonely drinking that is. And then invariably I end up sobbing along to songs that remind me of Africa. I guess no matter how much I HATE what Cape Town represents for me, you can't remove my Africanness from me. Africans are loud and friendly. They are giving, kind, caring, involved people. There is no such thing as being invisible in Africa. I miss that. I feel like the British just aren't vibrant the way we are. I feel like I need to accept the fact that I LIVE in London now and that things just aren't like that. Eventually I think I'll let it go. But hear me now. I am an African. I will always be an African. And I wouldn't want to be anything else.

During my sad and lonely drinking I could see my reflection in my oven door. My face is so fat, my double chin, my fat thighs, my fat fat cheeks. Fat neck. Fat arms. OMG my thighs. I NEED TO GET RID OF THIS FAT NOW! Can't I just cut if off. I mean. Its fat, it won't bleed that much right? I'm seriously considering lipo. Like seriously. Or gastric bypass. I wonder if they would. I'm sure if I went to a dodgy doctor in Mexico I could have it done. OMG. I am talking so much CRAP right now. I know that it would kill me. But I'd be skinny. I mean. Isn't that better? I feel so lost at the moment, like I have no purpose. I started writing my novel today. It starts like a tragic run of the mill love story. Rehashing the details of what has happened to me has not been fun, but I'm trying to keep it to fiction, so a little embellishment here or there.

I have very little to contribute. I was down another kg today. So I am slowly creeping back to my weight that I am meant to be. Fuck what I said before, I want to look sick. I want to look like a strong gust of wind could blow me away. Its getting so cold. Today was about 800. Could have been better, but I forgot about soup that I had for dinner, so i stupidly had a snack thinking I had calories left, which I didn't. Dumb dumb stupid fat piggy. Piggy needs to be kicked in the ass by Coco. COCO MY LOVE!! Where have you been? Coco isn't fat. Coco doesn't cry. Coco is going to kill me if she knows how bad i've gotten.

Tragic & Miserable
Xo Xo

4 comments:

Minty said...

Don't be like that! You know that you have a lovely group of supporters who woulg do anything for you.
If you need to talk, drop a comment, I'm here for you.

**Lara** said...

Welcome to my world these days. Maybe we should become drinking buddies...

Emily Anonymous said...

I've considered lipo too.
Apparently if you get lipo you'll still regain all the weight if you keep the same eating habits, and you'll gain it in weird places that still have fat cells, like your knees.
Now if there's a way to move stomach fat to boobs...

EnHL3 said...

hell yeah to that sister being AFRICAN is the bombshell i cant imagine living in any other continent besides Africa...WHOO HOO00 to PTA my hood,i feel u dear big time