Tuesday, December 4, 2012


I have had this godawful migraine all fucking day. And its the kind of migraine that makes you sleep and sleep and sleep and then when you've slept for 16 hours straight, you just wanna sleep some more. Fuck sakes. Okay, so today is tuesday. GOD WHY DOES TIME GO SO QUICKLY! JESUS FUCK. Anyway, I'm about to have a diet pepsi and go back to sleep. I have so much work to do, I may just do a little bit of it before I go to sleep... And maybe wake up early to do some more. ANYWAY. I don't know. I just want my head to stop throbbing. It may be a number of things, such as the fact that I have had like NO water in the past week, living on a diet of caffeine cigarettes and white carbs (VOM), lack of carbs for the last two or three days, i've heard that you can get a ketosis headache. But fuck that man. I'm not eating carbs, I like caffeine and cigarettes. So fuck it. Fuck it in the ass!

Today I have had about... 480 calories which consisted on a litre of smoothie and two cups of coffee with milk. Today was meant to be a smoothie day and that it has been. Tomorrow may also be a smoothie day, although I suspect I may be craving solids again. I have never been good on liquid diets because I like to fucking chew man. ANYWAY, my test shoot has been moved till Friday, so I just have to manage not to binge by then. I've also decided that I'm in super money saver mode at the moment, so that maybe I can afford to go home in January, which may lead to me postponing the skiing with my parents, but then at least I can go to my friends wedding.

I've been dreaming about my ex quite a bit in the last few days, but not the usual hate filled dreams that I have had, the kind where I love him and we get back together and everything is just perfect again. Its very weird, because I am the kind of person that attaches weight to my dreams - NOT SAYING THAT I HAVE PSYCHICLY PREDICTED THAT WE ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER - let me be clear on that. But rather that maybe my mind and heart are starting to let go of the anger. Even though I really don't want to let go of being so angry with him. I think if I let it go, then i will allow myself to be okay with him... and then what? I'm drawing a serious blank here. I don't want to be okay with him, I want to want to kill him. I hate him I hate him I hate him. But then, obviously there is something astray with my dreams. I will admit though, I still miss him every single day. MOVING ON SWIFTLY. My head hurts.

I must also state again. I am so deeply deeply thankful of everyone that comments on my blogs and sends me emails. I haven't replied to a bunch of them, but I will. I promise. (Again, I must state, I'm not proana - so please don't mail me asking for tips, because you ain't getting any from me.) I appreciate the love so much and the motivation that you guys bring. Its truly inspirational, even if I don't say so often... or reply to comments... or comment on other blogs. You all inspire me, to the max. And the funny thing that I am coming to realise is that the people I know through this blog are the strongest people I know. I know this sounds a bit... rude perhaps, strange maybe, but I think of myself and my problems... as really pathetic and weak. I think of myself as an overly emotional strange little girl that needs a serious attitude adjustment. But, a common thing in our lives (and here I start crying, such a baby Fat Piggy, I swear) is that we have generally been through quite a bit. Whether it is because of our EDs or our EDs are part of it, is like trying to figure out the chicken and the egg. I don't know. I know that most of the people here have gone through a lot. A lot more than the average joe. And you know what girls? We're okay... or at least, we will be okay. Because once you understand the strength that it takes to hate yourself, but keep going - I suppose you understand what strength and resolve are. :) So thank you. for that.

Love & Throbbing Eyeballs
Xo Xo

**EDIT: Please if I forget in the next few days, can someone remind me to have my rant about how disgusting I think Kim Kardashian is? I keep meaning to write about it, but I keep forgetting. Mostly, because it doesn't matter and I don't want to justify her pathetic existence with my ranting, BUT having watched the Kardashian reality shows - yes, okay I'm a reality TV whore - I love all the Kardashians except her pathetic, nasty, tasteless, styleless, FAT, disgusting self. FUCK YOU KIM KARDASHIAN! YOU REPRESENT THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR ON EARTH!!!**


Katie Elizabeth said...

Hey sweetie. If you want to be part of my facebook page, you should email me at holdensmommy89@gmail.com. Much love.

PrettyLies said...

"love and throbbing eyeballs" hahahaha love it. I'm sorry for the migraine hon. I hope it goes away soon. I'm on the "so much fucking work, so little fucking time, oh look a cookie procrastination" wagon as well. Ten days, 5 exams, sooooo much to do without an ounce of motivation to do it.

Eve said...

Idea, if you want solids, you should freeze some fruit, like berries, and drop it into your smoothie and then you'll have something to chew on that won't make you feel very guilty. :D I hope your migraine goes away! God knows Kim Kardashian only makes any head ache I have worse.

Penny_Nicole said...

I am SOOO glad you said that about Kim! I hate looking at her, it's gross...it's like she thinks by putting on loads of mascara we won't notice her lack of respect for her body. ugh.

Emily Anonymous said...

You're strong too, you know. :)
Maybe we all feel that everyone else is stronger than we are because I certainly do.

Anna Stone said...

I am glad you are okay. And although you expressed thanks, I believe the gratitude belongs to you. While I love writing, I don't have the balls to blog what I feel. But you do, and it helps girls like me get through their day. It's hard, while we have each other on these sites, when we wake up every day and enter the "real world", we feel so alone in our obsessions. But having this network keeps us all connected, keeps us all together, and reiterates that we are NOT alone. I have endless gratitude to you and the other girls I follow for sharing what you do, for providing me that piece of mind at the end of the day. And good luck on your new diet plan. I also gained back everything I lost in the last year and doing what you're doing is the best thing. My fasts last only so long and the concurrent binge is always so bad it ends up counterproductive. But tomorrow is a new day..I can do it (hopefully) and I believe you can too. We'll be alright I think (I hope).
And while yes Kim is a hog, I find all the Kardashians distateful!
Stay strong love. We have to.