I have had this godawful migraine all fucking day. And its the kind of migraine that makes you sleep and sleep and sleep and then when you've slept for 16 hours straight, you just wanna sleep some more. Fuck sakes. Okay, so today is tuesday. GOD WHY DOES TIME GO SO QUICKLY! JESUS FUCK. Anyway, I'm about to have a diet pepsi and go back to sleep. I have so much work to do, I may just do a little bit of it before I go to sleep... And maybe wake up early to do some more. ANYWAY. I don't know. I just want my head to stop throbbing. It may be a number of things, such as the fact that I have had like NO water in the past week, living on a diet of caffeine cigarettes and white carbs (VOM), lack of carbs for the last two or three days, i've heard that you can get a ketosis headache. But fuck that man. I'm not eating carbs, I like caffeine and cigarettes. So fuck it. Fuck it in the ass!
Today I have had about... 480 calories which consisted on a litre of smoothie and two cups of coffee with milk. Today was meant to be a smoothie day and that it has been. Tomorrow may also be a smoothie day, although I suspect I may be craving solids again. I have never been good on liquid diets because I like to fucking chew man. ANYWAY, my test shoot has been moved till Friday, so I just have to manage not to binge by then. I've also decided that I'm in super money saver mode at the moment, so that maybe I can afford to go home in January, which may lead to me postponing the skiing with my parents, but then at least I can go to my friends wedding.
I've been dreaming about my ex quite a bit in the last few days, but not the usual hate filled dreams that I have had, the kind where I love him and we get back together and everything is just perfect again. Its very weird, because I am the kind of person that attaches weight to my dreams - NOT SAYING THAT I HAVE PSYCHICLY PREDICTED THAT WE ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER - let me be clear on that. But rather that maybe my mind and heart are starting to let go of the anger. Even though I really don't want to let go of being so angry with him. I think if I let it go, then i will allow myself to be okay with him... and then what? I'm drawing a serious blank here. I don't want to be okay with him, I want to want to kill him. I hate him I hate him I hate him. But then, obviously there is something astray with my dreams. I will admit though, I still miss him every single day. MOVING ON SWIFTLY. My head hurts.
I must also state again. I am so deeply deeply thankful of everyone that comments on my blogs and sends me emails. I haven't replied to a bunch of them, but I will. I promise. (Again, I must state, I'm not proana - so please don't mail me asking for tips, because you ain't getting any from me.) I appreciate the love so much and the motivation that you guys bring. Its truly inspirational, even if I don't say so often... or reply to comments... or comment on other blogs. You all inspire me, to the max. And the funny thing that I am coming to realise is that the people I know through this blog are the strongest people I know. I know this sounds a bit... rude perhaps, strange maybe, but I think of myself and my problems... as really pathetic and weak. I think of myself as an overly emotional strange little girl that needs a serious attitude adjustment. But, a common thing in our lives (and here I start crying, such a baby Fat Piggy, I swear) is that we have generally been through quite a bit. Whether it is because of our EDs or our EDs are part of it, is like trying to figure out the chicken and the egg. I don't know. I know that most of the people here have gone through a lot. A lot more than the average joe. And you know what girls? We're okay... or at least, we will be okay. Because once you understand the strength that it takes to hate yourself, but keep going - I suppose you understand what strength and resolve are. :) So thank you. for that.
Love & Throbbing Eyeballs
**EDIT: Please if I forget in the next few days, can someone remind me to have my rant about how disgusting I think Kim Kardashian is? I keep meaning to write about it, but I keep forgetting. Mostly, because it doesn't matter and I don't want to justify her pathetic existence with my ranting, BUT having watched the Kardashian reality shows - yes, okay I'm a reality TV whore - I love all the Kardashians except her pathetic, nasty, tasteless, styleless, FAT, disgusting self. FUCK YOU KIM KARDASHIAN! YOU REPRESENT THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR ON EARTH!!!**