Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Oh I'm just SO done.

I am just so over this constant cycle of binging and starving, and thinking about food, and wanting it, the guilt that comes from eating, the constant CONSTANT cycle of food thoughts. I am just SO fucking over it. I'm so tired. I was walking back from the station on Sunday night from a dinner with friends. We had a landslide of very sugary alcohol drinks, curry with rice and pancakes with chocolate. And mulled wine. You know how bad that stuff is. Fuck me. ANYWAY, so went to their place and ate so much. On the way home, waddling from my fatness, it occurred to me that between my busstop and my house, I knew every single place to buy food, every take away, every off license. And I knew when they closed. A small part of me was even saying, dude. It's 11.30 now, if you don't buy something now, you'll have to wait till tomorrow and then you will have fucked that day up too. I was like. MOTHER FUCKER. I am so tired of it. And it's not even a conscious thought process, its just what my brain thinks of. Like booting up a fucking computer, automatically goes to food and calories and weight. I postponed my shoot yet again due to my overwhelming fatness. Anyway, so I am going to stop binging. That's it. I'm over binging and its going to stop. At least in the way it currently is. No more goddamn binging. SO over it. Especially the attitude of 'oh I fucked up, I may as well eat Tesco'. FUCK THAT.

Yesterday, I had an okayish day. I had three diet cokes and turkey mince chilli. Which I made as low-cal as I could, but then ate the whole pot. Anyway, it turned out to be about 700 calories at the max, so that's also okay. Today, I am only have my juice smoothies, tea and coke light. The juice smoothie is Innocent and is mango, banana... something something. Anyway, my logic is that if I have juice fasts on this stuff a couple days a week, then it will give me loads of yummy minerals and vitamins. :) That's the idea ANYWAY. I literally have enough coke light to last me till the apocalypse... well. No, but I did buy a lot, so I will be okay for 'fullness' factor. You know?

Love & Juice
Xo Xo


NeoHippie said...

I love filling up on coke zero or diet dr.pepper. Other than coffee that's my favorite. I also need to stop binging. Seriously need to. You can do it, and you'll look amazing at the shoot no matter what.

Alex AnaMia said...

Binging gets me sometimes too. I honestly don't mind that much though as long as I have access to a bathroom quickly after. My biggest thing is just the waste of money that comes with buying a ton of food that I know I don't need and does me no good at all :/ I have my room stocked up with low calorie goodies now, so when I feel the binge coming on, I don't completely destroy my day.

ruby-tuesday said...

I can relate Piggy

I am so very tired of the starve/binge/purge cycle
The never ending voice in my head berating me and the guilty feelings
It's exhausting
It's draining
I want to switch my brain off and have some much needed peace of mind
I swear I had that once,or maybe it was a dream I once had

My therapist is always telling me that if I eat regularly I won't binge/purge but somehow I can't seem to do that

Love to you x

Anlipanman said...

I'm exactly the same. This cycle never stops and in my head I know it's not going to do any good binging but I can't control it and it makes me so maaad.
but right now i'm on a no solid diet so my stomach feels loads of better and I hope you do too.

Katie Elizabeth said...

I'm sorry to hear that you canceled the shoot again. I would give anything to have that opportunity to do a model shoot. And make sure you stock up on more coke light because we only have 17 more days =) Stay strong beautiful.

EDTaylor said...

Fucking same, I'm sick of it. For a while it was new and interesting but now I just want it GONE.

I was at my lowest weight ever last week, binged this weekend and I'm up five lbs. FIVE. Fuckkkkk me.

So I know exactly how you're feeling. OVER IT. So tired. Hope things get better for you, the juice sounds delicious, take it one day at a time :)

Birdy Thin said...

Yeah this sounds like me too :/ you're not alone! And even when I try and struggle through recovery I still hear every calorie in every dish making themselves known inside my head. Stay strong <3