I am just so over this constant cycle of binging and starving, and thinking about food, and wanting it, the guilt that comes from eating, the constant CONSTANT cycle of food thoughts. I am just SO fucking over it. I'm so tired. I was walking back from the station on Sunday night from a dinner with friends. We had a landslide of very sugary alcohol drinks, curry with rice and pancakes with chocolate. And mulled wine. You know how bad that stuff is. Fuck me. ANYWAY, so went to their place and ate so much. On the way home, waddling from my fatness, it occurred to me that between my busstop and my house, I knew every single place to buy food, every take away, every off license. And I knew when they closed. A small part of me was even saying, dude. It's 11.30 now, if you don't buy something now, you'll have to wait till tomorrow and then you will have fucked that day up too. I was like. MOTHER FUCKER. I am so tired of it. And it's not even a conscious thought process, its just what my brain thinks of. Like booting up a fucking computer, automatically goes to food and calories and weight. I postponed my shoot yet again due to my overwhelming fatness. Anyway, so I am going to stop binging. That's it. I'm over binging and its going to stop. At least in the way it currently is. No more goddamn binging. SO over it. Especially the attitude of 'oh I fucked up, I may as well eat Tesco'. FUCK THAT.
Yesterday, I had an okayish day. I had three diet cokes and turkey mince chilli. Which I made as low-cal as I could, but then ate the whole pot. Anyway, it turned out to be about 700 calories at the max, so that's also okay. Today, I am only have my juice smoothies, tea and coke light. The juice smoothie is Innocent and is mango, banana... something something. Anyway, my logic is that if I have juice fasts on this stuff a couple days a week, then it will give me loads of yummy minerals and vitamins. :) That's the idea ANYWAY. I literally have enough coke light to last me till the apocalypse... well. No, but I did buy a lot, so I will be okay for 'fullness' factor. You know?
Love & Juice