There seems to be something about this month that gets me in a little hobbit hole of my own... Not willing to post too much. Maybe it's because I don't really have all that much to say... Or it could just be that this is the time of year where I feel people are forcing themselves on me. I don't do Christmas... I mean. In theory I don't have a problem with it, but I feel very resistant to it, because there is an obligation to do things which is fake. My family wants to try and be happy christmas perfect family at this time of year. It is false. It is awful. I don't want to participate. In a lot of ways, I suppose that the older I am getting the more I am truly realizing that there is some serious fucked up shit that is going on in my head about my life. And the way that I think about or interact with the world... Not least of which the ED stuff which I talk about here, but other things as well. Such as my aversion to the holidays. I don't know... I wish sometimes that things that are easy for everyone else, like having stable relationships with people, would be easy for me too. WHY ARE THINGS SO FUCKING HARD ALL THE TIME. Anyway, so apologies for not posting for absolute ages, but thanks for your patience and continued support.
I am enormous.. and my scale got broken when I drunkenly fell on it a week ago, so there is no way of measuring how enormous I actually am. At the moment, what I need to do is get myself down a little bit before I shock myself stupid on just how fat I have become. Obviously, it is christmas in three days which means epic amounts of food. *sigh* I won't indulge. I am trying to behave. I feel optimistic about 2013. I mean 2012 has been such an epicly shit year, 2013 can only get better. Once I am beautiful and thin again, life will go back to being easy peasy lemon squeezy. Today, I've had about 450 cals so far and I may have some more soup later depending on how I'm feeling, so today is okay. I just need to learn self-control again. COME ON COCO SHOW YOUR FACE!! My goal for 2013 is to believe in myself more. Trust myself. I can do this. Not just my weight, just everything about my life. I am not useless, I am not useless, I am not useless and I can be happy.
Love & Peace