Saturday, December 22, 2012

What is it about December?

There seems to be something about this month that gets me in a little hobbit hole of my own... Not willing to post too much. Maybe it's because I don't really have all that much to say... Or it could just be that this is the time of year where I feel people are forcing themselves on me. I don't do Christmas... I mean. In theory I don't have a problem with it, but I feel very resistant to it, because there is an obligation to do things which is fake. My family wants to try and be happy christmas perfect family at this time of year. It is false. It is awful. I don't want to participate. In a lot of ways, I suppose that the older I am getting the more I am truly realizing that there is some serious fucked up shit that is going on in my head about my life. And the way that I think about or interact with the world... Not least of which the ED stuff which I talk about here, but other things as well. Such as my aversion to the holidays. I don't know... I wish sometimes that things that are easy for everyone else, like having stable relationships with people, would be easy for me too. WHY ARE THINGS SO FUCKING HARD ALL THE TIME. Anyway, so apologies for not posting for absolute ages, but thanks for your patience and continued support.

I am enormous.. and my scale got broken when I drunkenly fell on it a week ago, so there is no way of measuring how enormous I actually am. At the moment, what I need to do is get myself down a little bit before I shock myself stupid on just how fat I have become. Obviously, it is christmas in three days which means epic amounts of food. *sigh* I won't indulge. I am trying to behave. I feel optimistic about 2013. I mean 2012 has been such an epicly shit year, 2013 can only get better. Once I am beautiful and thin again, life will go back to being easy peasy lemon squeezy. Today, I've had about 450 cals so far and I may have some more soup later depending on how I'm feeling, so today is okay. I just need to learn self-control again. COME ON COCO SHOW YOUR FACE!! My goal for 2013 is to believe in myself more. Trust myself. I can do this. Not just my weight, just everything about my life. I am not useless, I am not useless, I am not useless and I can be happy.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo


Judith Marie said...

Yeah, my family does the whole fake family harmony thing too. It's so dumb. We normally don't even talk to each other on a day to day basis even though we are all in the same house and for some reason we all have to play happy families on Christmas. Makes me feel sick.
2013 has to be a better year. It just has to be. I guess the only way to go is up! Feeling optimistic about it too. A new year always seems to make me feel slightly optimistic about the future, where the best laid plans are just starting out and haven't had the chance to go to pot yet.

Charlie said...

My family does the fake shit at Thanksgiving.. Christmas usually ends with us screaming at each other and my mother crying... Especially since I left for college.
You aren't useless, you're wonderful. <3

Tosin said...

2012 has been an up-and-down year for me, but there has been more down than up. My family too fakes the whole, we're on big happy family but I usually screw it up in my own special way.

You can and will be happy, dear.

E.D. said...

Yeah, I really get the whole "fakeness" thing, same thing happens in my family. A lot of things have happened this year that some people in my family know about and others don't, so there will also be a whole lot of lying going on this Holiday season. Fun times.
Anyways, for sure, 2013 can only get better. Once you hit the bottom, the only way is up!
Take care,

Katie Elizabeth said...

Glad you are back sweetie. Hope to hear from you more. Lots of love.