Monday, December 24, 2012

Mini Victories

Whilst I have nothing to report really on anything, except that my eating today was pretty awful... about 1400 cals. DISGUSTING PIGGY. (But better than... like. 5000). I had a little breakthrough today. I sometimes think about my ex... Like. Dream about him. Day dream about him almost. Like the things I'd say to him if I saw him again. And one of my greatest fears has always been that I'd melt. Just like, you're so lovely, I missed you so much KISSSSSSSSSSSSSS MEEEEEee. You know, like totally wuss out? I don't think about him often, but sometimes I kinda feel a bit blue or remember something awesome that we did together and then I'll revert back to those thoughts. Today was one of those days and today was also the day I was sitting thinking and kinda going... There is no way that this ends well for you Piggy. No way. Too much time has passed. He has been too cruel, there is NO chance of ever forgiving or forgetting the awful things he said and did. So, I was like. Mmm, that's a good point. And then, this is where the breakthrough happened. I started day dreaming about something else. And not because I wasn't thinking about him. But just because I realised how absolutely pointless it was. I know I still talk about this a fair amount. But I must just say, that it isn't as pathetic as it sounds, I mean. I don't sit and day dream about him. I just kinda feel like I wish someone had told me how awful it is to get your heart stomped on and squished into a million tiny pieces. And with me being as suicidal and depressed and just... generally unhappy as a person, I hope maybe someday someone will read this and realise that there is hope for the broken hearts club. I never thought I'd get over it and quite frankly, considering that a year ago I tried to kill myself over this guy, if I can get over it. Anyone can. They said that one day I'd wake up and the clouds would be gone and the sun would be shining and you know? The clouds aren't gone, but at least it isn't pouring with rain anymore. I would never wish this on anyone, except my ex. I still wish nasty violent things on him. Although I'd settle from him stepping in a pothole and breaking his leg... Yeah. Although. That doesn't seem quite harsh enough. I know this is going to sound a little bit weird, but I wonder sometimes if maybe I am psycho enough to actually be one of those females that snaps and kills someone. Because sometimes I feel like I could be. Okay, I can't even kill a fly because I feel too guilty about it. But I do sometimes wish I was a vampire so I could go kill him and everyone he ever loved. My mother said to me a week or two ago that I'm not a mean person. And I know I'm not, but I just wish I could revenge hurt people sometimes. I think its because I consider myself to be SO super emotionally sensitive to everything that I don't think I could ever hurt someone the way they hurt me... or that they could never experience pain the way I felt it. And its just not fair. Maybe I am psycho. A total bunny boiler. (But I couldn't even do that, since again. I feel too guilty *sigh*)

Peace & Hugs
Xo Xo


loveylou said...

I totally can relate, I feel like I am so sensitive to others needs around me, that it seems basically unfathomable to my imagination that people can do such cruel things to one another, as they do. I'm sorry your ass was such a jackass, just keep him in the past and stomp on him on your way to the top!
I'm glad you had a breakthrough days, it's posts like this that remind all readers and followers that, as you put, sometimes it stops pouring!
lots of love

Tatyana said...

I can also relate, sometimes it sucks to be so sensitive that you can basically see how much in pain someone is. And for someone to ignore that and hurt someone by using that ability, it just leaves so deep open wounds that it takes years before they get better. You can sew stitches but it's always only temporary because the pollution poisons them at some point anyway. And then you need to stitch them all over again.

But I don't believe you would hurt anyone. I mean I really think that it's in human nature to be able to kill someone to protect themselves. Everyone is capable. But when person feels as much and thinks as deep as you do, I really don't believe that you would even if you thought of doing so. Sometimes just going that through in your head makes it so much better and it's a way to cope. So imagine killing him but don't do it for real. <3

ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

1400. how i want that. dude, i'm hovering with an average of 1950 every single day how do you think i feel
then again, i'm trying to recover. i guess that's better than slapping me with 2,500 like most of the other ED people. how about no ew
"The clouds aren't gone, but at least it isn't pouring with rain anymore." i'm using this in the future somehow that is the most beautifully elusive imagery i ever got from a blog mind you
i'm glad you realised this. sometimes, epiphanies can be amazing even if you don't find them out at the end of a song for some reason :P damn those musicals!
even though you are more likely to piss on the holiday season, you know i don't and i won't and i love holidays and all of that jazz, so merry Christmas!

-Sam Lupin

Katie Elizabeth said...

I'm sorry sweetie. Keep your head up. You're lovely.

By All Means said...

I'm way sensitive too...but someone said something to me and my friend once...he didn't worry about getting revenge on people, he knew he couldn't ever bring himself to it even when really mad, but he didn't because he knows that the people who deserve will one day royally piss off the wrong person...and when they do hell will rain down on them. What was funny was my friend is one of those wrong people to piss off and some of the stuff she's set up...well it's true. He'll get what he deserves for what he said/did to you.

Wantsbutcants said...

We. 1400 ? I had about 700. :D

Emily Anonymous said...

Sometimes I feel like I could be a psycho too, but it passes. It's great that you were able to tear your thoughts away from him. Getting over a break up is so hard and it takes a lot of time especially if he spent a lot of time with you in the first place.