Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Don't read this.

Okay, so I know this is really miserably pathetic, and I am pathetic and I will never cease to be pathetic. But this entire post is going to be about boys. I think I need to give them up. But Joe first. I realised last night that I can't date him, because he won't debate with me. And guys. I know it sounds so weird, but that is the single most important thing in my relationships, is being able to talk a totally irrelevant point into the ground. I mean, if you are one of those people who refuse to sit around and gossip about people, then that's all you have really. Remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said: Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. I want to be a great mind, so I talk about random ideas. Like how you'd die if you were kept awake artificially for 100 days. Anyway, so for the fourth time in two days, I got into one of these convos with Joe and he just shut me down. Like, he didn't want to talk about it anymore. So he shut me down. Anyway, so I realised this last night and I want to be married in the next few years, so I'm not wasting my time with shit like that. But then today, he called me for no reason other than he wanted to have a chat and we talked for like two hours about the randomest of stuff. Including, what I'm about to tell you next. I dunno. I feel torn, because on one hand, maybe I'm being unrealistic about the fact that anyone would want to talk about the same arb shit that I do. On the other hand, I shouldn't have to compromise on my needs from a partner. I mean. Roy used to talk about that kinda shit with me. There has got to be another person like that. 

Which brings me to my next pathetic thing. Roy. I went onto linkedin yesterday. And saw that he had viewed my profile in the last few months. My heart skipped a beat. I'm irritated that it did, but it did. Then I added my entire contact list from my gmail account which was like 300 people on linkedin and stupidly, I sent him an invite too. He accepted and today he has viewed my profile. I don't know why I'm still even talking about this. I'm over him. I'm over him. I'm over him. I've blocked him on fb and I don't want to know. His linkedin profile also says he's single. Does that mean that him and the whore stripper fiancee who he was so happy with 5 months ago is over? I wish I at least could know that, because I want to know that I fucked him up so badly that no other girl could just replace me. WHY DO I CARE. I'm over him. I'm over him. I'm over him. Why do I care? I don't want to care. I don't care. I don't care. This is so typical though. The moment I can a few days without even thinking about him, somehow he pops back up in my life again. I mean, okay. He isn't back in my life. At all and he won't ever be, because just cuz he viewed my profile on linkedin doesn't mean a single god danm thing. I mean, I think I'm just... shocked. I hoped that I would never have to acknowledge that he existed ever again, because even though it doesn't... "hurt" anymore. Thinking back about the hurt still makes me sad. I haven't heard a word from him in six months, yet here I am again. Like a pathetic little girl. Just a sad, pathetic miserable little girl. I have dreamt about seeing him again and even though I can't get my mind past the fact that it was so awful and hurtful, thinking about him still makes me sad. I'm just a pathetic little girl. But, I've come this far. I'm sure that one day it won't bug me at all to see his name. But I do think that I need to remove him from linkedin or I'd probably just end up staring at his picture everyday. 

Sorry about this dribble. I'm a fat miserable lazy ugly mean bitter shallow self-involved pathetic awful piggy. I'm sorry that you had to read this. I hope no one did. Welcome back to thoughts Roy, you still affect me, now let me go cut myself.
Pain & Infinite Sadness
Xo Xo


CJ (: said...

I love discussing random points like that. Just discussing things that make no sense to anyone else, and debating. I think i'm bad at it thought because I can be so stubborn, and it drives people away.
So I totally understand where you're coming from on that. No worries.
I also don't think that you can ever really get over an ex. I mean, you an get over them, and not care for them anymore, but in the end, they're always going to be in your life, and you're always going to think about them at some time or another.
That's just my opinion. And yes, I did read that entire thing, and in no ways do I think you're pathetic. Xx

Skylar Rainn said...

Maybe he's like nosing in on you, seeing what you're up to etc. To be honest...if it were me, I'd leave it, not speak/acknowledge him or anything. Don't even look on his page! (Hard to resist I know) because then he'll probably message you something "how come the add?" and then you can do the whole "Oh no, it was totally accidentally blah blah" - that's what I did ages ago and it felt like I'd pulled the knife out my back and rammed it in his eye..momentary pleasure. xxx

Tatyana said...

I did read it :)
And CJ has a point, getting over is not same as totally forgotten. We all have moments, even you ex and sometimes it helps when you open up a profile or a picture to remember what we're supposed to remember.

Head up girl, you're beautiful! <3

Judith Marie said...

Pretty lady, these girls have a point. Just because you get over someone doesn't mean you have forgotten them. When I see guys I used to like, I still feel weird and get weird. And I haven't ever dated/hooked up with any of them. Doesn't really mean anything bad about you.

Smiley Princess said...

Deffo read it sorry.

Babe, if you feel like Joe isn't enough, ditch him. If you wanna discuss big ideas, then discuss them with someone who will fight back and challenge you and push your arguments into the ground - a guy who has the audacity and the brain to face you. Joe doesn't strike me as that kinda guy, however lovely and jubbly he is at the moment. The flaws and incompatibilities you see in him now will be magnified by a million in a few years' time.

As for Roy: you're NOT pathetic. Every single girl in the universe has gone through the exact same thing you have, I mean in terms of getting over someone. We all wonder 'what if...' even years after the end, even when we're married to someone for 50 years. We all Facebook/twitter/LinkedIn stalk them (and their girlfriends), we are all reminded of them at some point, we all stew etc. It's normal. Getting over someone SUCKS, it's painful, it's horrible, there are ups and downs, one days you don't know they exist, the next you're pining over a Kleenex they used. The good news is, it gets easier and you get over them. Just gotta make a conscious effort to immediately think about something else the moment they pop into your brain.

I really like your blog btw, you seem like a really cool girl.

Princess xxx

Emily Anonymous said...

Discussing random things is fun! And I see what you're saying.
I think guys in general like to talk less. And they especially don't like to talk if they think the topic is stupid or doesn't have any relevance to them.
I think guys open up the more they like you and get to know you, so i say don't dismiss your beau just yet! Give him some time, and he may come around.