Okay, so I know this is really miserably pathetic, and I am pathetic and I will never cease to be pathetic. But this entire post is going to be about boys. I think I need to give them up. But Joe first. I realised last night that I can't date him, because he won't debate with me. And guys. I know it sounds so weird, but that is the single most important thing in my relationships, is being able to talk a totally irrelevant point into the ground. I mean, if you are one of those people who refuse to sit around and gossip about people, then that's all you have really. Remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said: Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. I want to be a great mind, so I talk about random ideas. Like how you'd die if you were kept awake artificially for 100 days. Anyway, so for the fourth time in two days, I got into one of these convos with Joe and he just shut me down. Like, he didn't want to talk about it anymore. So he shut me down. Anyway, so I realised this last night and I want to be married in the next few years, so I'm not wasting my time with shit like that. But then today, he called me for no reason other than he wanted to have a chat and we talked for like two hours about the randomest of stuff. Including, what I'm about to tell you next. I dunno. I feel torn, because on one hand, maybe I'm being unrealistic about the fact that anyone would want to talk about the same arb shit that I do. On the other hand, I shouldn't have to compromise on my needs from a partner. I mean. Roy used to talk about that kinda shit with me. There has got to be another person like that.
Which brings me to my next pathetic thing. Roy. I went onto linkedin yesterday. And saw that he had viewed my profile in the last few months. My heart skipped a beat. I'm irritated that it did, but it did. Then I added my entire contact list from my gmail account which was like 300 people on linkedin and stupidly, I sent him an invite too. He accepted and today he has viewed my profile. I don't know why I'm still even talking about this. I'm over him. I'm over him. I'm over him. I've blocked him on fb and I don't want to know. His linkedin profile also says he's single. Does that mean that him and the whore stripper fiancee who he was so happy with 5 months ago is over? I wish I at least could know that, because I want to know that I fucked him up so badly that no other girl could just replace me. WHY DO I CARE. I'm over him. I'm over him. I'm over him. Why do I care? I don't want to care. I don't care. I don't care. This is so typical though. The moment I can a few days without even thinking about him, somehow he pops back up in my life again. I mean, okay. He isn't back in my life. At all and he won't ever be, because just cuz he viewed my profile on linkedin doesn't mean a single god danm thing. I mean, I think I'm just... shocked. I hoped that I would never have to acknowledge that he existed ever again, because even though it doesn't... "hurt" anymore. Thinking back about the hurt still makes me sad. I haven't heard a word from him in six months, yet here I am again. Like a pathetic little girl. Just a sad, pathetic miserable little girl. I have dreamt about seeing him again and even though I can't get my mind past the fact that it was so awful and hurtful, thinking about him still makes me sad. I'm just a pathetic little girl. But, I've come this far. I'm sure that one day it won't bug me at all to see his name. But I do think that I need to remove him from linkedin or I'd probably just end up staring at his picture everyday.
Sorry about this dribble. I'm a fat miserable lazy ugly mean bitter shallow self-involved pathetic awful piggy. I'm sorry that you had to read this. I hope no one did. Welcome back to thoughts Roy, you still affect me, now let me go cut myself.
Pain & Infinite Sadness