Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Just Thinking Out Loud

I've been thinking recently about moving back to Cape Town. As much as I talk shit about it constantly, I really do fucking miss that place, the people... The culture. So I've kinda said to myself that I will make a decision about it after my trip back there in April. My logic kinda goes as follows: I came to London on the back of a really awful break-up and it would be pretty fucking accurate to say that I ran the fuck away. I didn't want to deal with my shit, so moving away from my problems was the easiest thing to do. But now, after a year of reflection on the things that have driven me fucking nuts (literally... NUTS), I'm really okay. I mean, I don't want to burn down my ex's house anymore. I mean, I still fucking hate him. Like, I HATE him, but I don't think that will ever change. But I have finally gotten to a place in my mind where I know I'd tell him to fuck right off if he ever tried to come back into my life with no desperate longing to regain something that we once had. Also, I really REALLY want to be happy. I was happy once and I'm not happy at the moment, and even though I don't dislike London at all. I can't live in this fucking cold. I hate going out in the cold, I hate having to dress up like an eskimo all the time. I hate being cold ALL THE TIME. I miss being outdoors, in forests and on mountains. On the beach, in nature. I miss it like hell. I hate this culture of socialising in dark, dingey little pubs. I miss the easy-going nature of people and how friendly I know South Africans to be. Anyway, so that's my logic at the moment. It also may be a case of FOMO (fear of missing out) that I think I'm missing something at home, which I am simply just not. So I'll see. The thought of people living in London and me having given it up is a scary thought. Also, the idea that if I choose to move back to SA, I won't be able to leave again. And that probably scares me the most. It is impossible to get visas to work in other countries on my passport, so I don't know. I need to think. I just wish it was hot here. At the moment, my biggest thing is the cold. MAN, I am SO FUCKING SICK OF THE COLD. 

I only started fasting properly this morning and had a nasty binge weekend, so I am on... 20 hours? I want to try and make it through till at least thursday. I mean, I know that the first day of the fast is the worst and after that you don't feel hungry. Chewing becomes a chore. I need to get there. I expect by this time tomorrow, I will be solidly into it till Thursday. I'm going to see Goldfish with a friend of mine on Thursday, so I need to look as thin as possible by then. I need to feel empty. It makes me feel beautiful. I need to be light and lovely. I need to look like a strong gust of wind will blow me away. I need it. 

I know I mentioned this already, but dudes! I want to be happy. I really, REALLY want to be happy. I'm so sick of this constant struggle through misery everyday of my life. I have decided that I need to do a number of things in order to get there, one of which is to get (maybe) a full-time job, so that I have routine. I don't have a routine at all. I sleep when I want, I'm awake when I want. I do what I want, I talk to or don't talk to whoever I want. I also have decided that I am not pursuing this thing with Joe. He isn't enough for me. Just in general. He isn't interested in the world, he isn't interesting to me. I think the only reason I was interested to begin with was because I wanted to have a crush on someone. Having been there, I'm over it. I believe that I am exceptional, and I want someone exceptional. I know that's arrogant, but honestly. No one worth knowing has ever pretended to be average. I used to think that my ex was exceptional, but his existential inertia prevented him from moving forward and I am determined to conquer that issue. Maybe it will take me another thirty years to get through my own struggles that are preventing me from achieving certain things, but fuck it! I am determined to get there. I'm also determined to be 55kgs again. HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW BITCHES! *giggles* Anyway, I know that so much of this shit is like drool seeping from fingertips, but thank you for the constant support and acknowledgment of my existence. Thanks guys *n'awwwww*. 

Fighting the Inertia with Love & Determination
Xo Xo


Anonymous said...

"I need to look like a strong gust of wind will blow me away. I need it." You summed up my thoughts in these two short sentences! I hope your fast is succesful!

Emily Carter said...

In the end you know what is best for you but make sure you're not going back home just because you tink it will make you happier. Happiness is something we first need to find withing ourselves. I read a blog of a girl that moved back home (Australia) from Europe because she was miserable and thought she would be happy and there were just as many negatives back home as well. That said I totally get what you mean about the cold.

Good Luck,

Judith Marie said...

Lol, see, I love the cold! I love coats and boots and furs and everything fuzzy and cuddling with a big teddy near a fire with a good book and a cup of tea. I hate the sun and the beach and the outdoors.
I don't love the dingy pubs though.
Emily is right though, every place has it's ups and downs and the place where you're not always seems better. When I was in England I couldn't wait to come home. But now that I'm home, I miss England like all fuck.
And I thought you wanted to move to the states?
At any rate, just go with what feels most right, where you live is always a hard call.
Great job with the fast, especially fasting in the cold!

Too Fat for Words said...

I thought you were moving to the states as well? But I haven't been blogging for awhile so I might have msised a lot of posts.

I would have to say, from my experience, that moving home for the fear of missing out, is the worst reason ever!That's what I did. My sister was having a baby, my other sister is getting married and I moved home cause so much was going on and I didn't want to miss out. i am missing out though, I am missing out on my life in London! The baby isn't mine, the wedding isn't mine and sure it is nice to be around and have squishy baby cuddles but none of it is mine.

Good luck with making your decision.

I think you should go around the ex (not to his place) but places you went together and see if you really are over him or just think you are over him with so much distance between you.

Miranda said...

I think I would die living in a place that cold. It sounds awful. I need sunshine and warmth to keep me happy. It's a big decision. What about LA? Also, I freaking wish I didn't have a full time job. I understand the need for routine and I'd just build it in if I didn't have to work. I'd have time to write more. You are so lucky not to be a slave to a 9-5.

Smiley Princess said...

It's sooooo bloody cold ! My fingers dropped off from hypothermia today ! Maybe.

South Africa... hmmm nice! I dream of California though. Also I totally get you when you talk about the lack of routine. I have that exactly and it sucks. Wooh!

Princess xxx

Butterfly Unfolding said...

I live just outside London and I almost never go to pubs. Too many calories in alcohol, too many lurking ex-lovers, too many people who might say something off hand that'll make me hate myself. The only time I go to pubs is when I have a gig in one. I usually meet up with people in the day time.

Stay until Summer. I'll take you on a picnic in a park.