I've been thinking recently about moving back to Cape Town. As much as I talk shit about it constantly, I really do fucking miss that place, the people... The culture. So I've kinda said to myself that I will make a decision about it after my trip back there in April. My logic kinda goes as follows: I came to London on the back of a really awful break-up and it would be pretty fucking accurate to say that I ran the fuck away. I didn't want to deal with my shit, so moving away from my problems was the easiest thing to do. But now, after a year of reflection on the things that have driven me fucking nuts (literally... NUTS), I'm really okay. I mean, I don't want to burn down my ex's house anymore. I mean, I still fucking hate him. Like, I HATE him, but I don't think that will ever change. But I have finally gotten to a place in my mind where I know I'd tell him to fuck right off if he ever tried to come back into my life with no desperate longing to regain something that we once had. Also, I really REALLY want to be happy. I was happy once and I'm not happy at the moment, and even though I don't dislike London at all. I can't live in this fucking cold. I hate going out in the cold, I hate having to dress up like an eskimo all the time. I hate being cold ALL THE TIME. I miss being outdoors, in forests and on mountains. On the beach, in nature. I miss it like hell. I hate this culture of socialising in dark, dingey little pubs. I miss the easy-going nature of people and how friendly I know South Africans to be. Anyway, so that's my logic at the moment. It also may be a case of FOMO (fear of missing out) that I think I'm missing something at home, which I am simply just not. So I'll see. The thought of people living in London and me having given it up is a scary thought. Also, the idea that if I choose to move back to SA, I won't be able to leave again. And that probably scares me the most. It is impossible to get visas to work in other countries on my passport, so I don't know. I need to think. I just wish it was hot here. At the moment, my biggest thing is the cold. MAN, I am SO FUCKING SICK OF THE COLD.
I only started fasting properly this morning and had a nasty binge weekend, so I am on... 20 hours? I want to try and make it through till at least thursday. I mean, I know that the first day of the fast is the worst and after that you don't feel hungry. Chewing becomes a chore. I need to get there. I expect by this time tomorrow, I will be solidly into it till Thursday. I'm going to see Goldfish with a friend of mine on Thursday, so I need to look as thin as possible by then. I need to feel empty. It makes me feel beautiful. I need to be light and lovely. I need to look like a strong gust of wind will blow me away. I need it.
I know I mentioned this already, but dudes! I want to be happy. I really, REALLY want to be happy. I'm so sick of this constant struggle through misery everyday of my life. I have decided that I need to do a number of things in order to get there, one of which is to get (maybe) a full-time job, so that I have routine. I don't have a routine at all. I sleep when I want, I'm awake when I want. I do what I want, I talk to or don't talk to whoever I want. I also have decided that I am not pursuing this thing with Joe. He isn't enough for me. Just in general. He isn't interested in the world, he isn't interesting to me. I think the only reason I was interested to begin with was because I wanted to have a crush on someone. Having been there, I'm over it. I believe that I am exceptional, and I want someone exceptional. I know that's arrogant, but honestly. No one worth knowing has ever pretended to be average. I used to think that my ex was exceptional, but his existential inertia prevented him from moving forward and I am determined to conquer that issue. Maybe it will take me another thirty years to get through my own struggles that are preventing me from achieving certain things, but fuck it! I am determined to get there. I'm also determined to be 55kgs again. HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW BITCHES! *giggles* Anyway, I know that so much of this shit is like drool seeping from fingertips, but thank you for the constant support and acknowledgment of my existence. Thanks guys *n'awwwww*.
Fighting the Inertia with Love & Determination