Monday, February 25, 2013

The Psychology of It

Today was ... another day. In fact, I must say that I'm kinda proud with the way that today turned out even though it really wasn't that great. At the moment, my primary focus is just not to binge. I've managed to keep my weight stable in the 64's for a little while now and that only gives me one month to get back into the 50's before I go back to Cape Town on holiday. Which I'm starting to dread. I'm completely schizo about my whole - where do I want to be dilemma. I don't blame you guys if you can't keep up. I change my mind on a daily basis and I suppose the useful thing about being so fucking indecisive is that I won't make a decision about where I'm going to live until I can decide one way or the other on the subject. Fook. Me. 

Anyway, so why today was not terrible. On Thursday night, I lost my bank card, so basically I've had no money. I said so. Which is annoying, but most of all. Even though I had enough food to eat for the weekend, it wasn't the kind of food that I wanted and instead of being able to go to the store and get one huge binge, I only had enough for ... a little bit. So yesterday was a bag of crisps, which was all I ate the whole day, so that was about 600 cals for the day. Then today my bank card arrived, and you know us bulimics - that's code for a big ol' binge. Anyway, but I kinda reigned it in and restricted it to a tuna salad (a can of tuna with cucumber, corn and a tbsp of low-cal mayo), two chicken breasts and some nuts. All in all I think the total for today is 1500. 1500-too-fucking-high. BUT AT LEAST, it wasn't like... 5000 you know? I feel like dudes, we are making fucking progress here. 

I had a think about ya'll said about me playing games with Joe, and you're right. I do need to let this go. The problem is that he is kinda like me when it comes to be being... a bit cold when you've got the power. So it's like, if somehow he would admit that he likes me, or whatever it is at the time - I won't reciprocate. So for example, I said to him that maybe when I get back from Cape Town we could consider the whole relationship vibe. His response 'you're such a sweetheart.' And that's it. Today I said something a little inappropriate along the lines of having a monopoly over *cough* his man parts *cough* - and his response was that he really liked the idea. It's kinda like neither of us will fucking outright say anything, but for good reason I think. I mean, nothing is certain about him being down here in London and I won't make a decision about anything until I get back from Cape Town, so what's the point in rushing it. I suppose it's just that stupid little niggle that we have to have certainty. You know? But on your advice, I'm not going to play games. If he doesn't want me then that is also fine. OH AND GUYS - Watch the fucking Oscars. They. Were. Epic. And watch Searching for Sugarman. You guys will get a chance to see my home. :) YAY! :D

Corn & Cucumber
Xo Xo


Anonymous said...

You're "binges" are so small:) you will definitly still lose weight, maintain atleast. I havn't heard of "Searching for Sugarman" but as soon as I have some money I will definitly go looking for it. Maybe you should be the one to make the first move with Joe. You will be able to tell by his reaction if a relationship with him is worth pursuing. Even if it leads to an embarressing situation atleast you will have a boyfriend or be able to move on with your life instead of wasting your time with "does he or doesnt he". Ya know?

Emily Anonymous said...

I'm so glad your binges are getting smaller! I wish my binge was 1500... instead I eat that normally.
Good luck deciding where you want to live! It's a big decision, so it makes sense that you would be wavering.

ultraviolet storm said...

i love the way you write <3

ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

give me 64 kilos and shit
id love to fook you
progression is progression and that is progress i have 1500 when im restricting now :3 yay
and i agree with Violet the way you write is like eating a chocolate bar bb
-Sam Lupin

Butterfly Unfolding said...

I'm ignoring boys right now - I don't have the energy.