Monday, April 1, 2013

Maybe I'm the fool?

I'm not really sure what's going on with me right now... I feel like there is a very large gap between my spinal cord and my brain... Like I'm floating above myself, watching myself make decisions, but not actually thinking that I have any part in it. Does that make sense? I've been so lazy and despondent about my work since I found out about my new job (which is as a conference producer), but my old work has been suffering... Like I just don't want anything to do with it. And as a result of having been such a lazy asshole about it, I'm going to pretty much have to work for the next 12 hours straight to try and catch up. This time in a week, I will have finished my first day at my new job. 

My weight is pretty much stable at about 64kgs. I'm not happy with it, but at least I'm not gaining. After the drinking at the start of the long weekend, I ate carbs and what not, that I wasn't meant to, but as of tomorrow I'm going back onto the paleo diet, under 1000 cals a day. I've had... 750 cals today so far. I'm not having anything else though for the day. My body is in such a weird place at the moment though... The birth control that I'm on is fucking around with me. I got my period today, but I also got it two weeks ago and then three weeks before that. I've never had such an irregular anything. Allegedly though, it takes a few months for your body to adapt to this pill. So I'm going to speak to my doctor about it when I see him next week. 

As regards to my last post... I realised yesterday that I may have totally overreacted to Joe. That he didn't know about my thing about being ignored. So when he messaged me to tell me that he had been an inconsiderate asshole. I kinda laid down the whole situation about how I absolutely will not be ignored. He still refuses to say he's jealous, but when I brought it up yesterday - he kept saying how angry he was about the whole situation. I'm going to speak to my shrink about it tomorrow and see what she says. I then need to tell him that we need to talk about it. If nothing else, he needs to tell me what made him angry, so we can avoid a similar situation in the future. I don't know what I'm doing here, but I know I need to stick to my guns. Respect. Is key. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo


ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

when i read that whole 'floating' thing, i couldn't help but feel as if i knew it. strangely enough.
i think i do. i don't know how to feel about that then. it sort of just...well i don't really feel much per say when that happens
also, ugh - when you were explaining the work stuff, i could completely relate. it's just all this work with my course and understanding shit and i've done barely any of it. i need a swift kick in the bum.
ohhhhhhhhh that Joe thing is still confusing but you should keep us posted i guess??? :3
i'm tired. sorry. i think you can tell xD
-Sam Lupin

Judith Marie said...

This post makes me think of a comment that Sammy left me a while back...right now there seems to be a lot of Joes floating around all our lives, it's a wee bit uncanny.
At any rate, I know exactly what you mean about the floating thing. It's sort of how I feel when I am on night shifts, and it's 3am and things are just...floating, as you say.
Anyway, I can sort of get a good feel for how you are feeling by the way you write, I can't really...I don't know how to comment. I guess I've been floating so much myself. Just know that I know how you're feeling and I'm thinking of you.

Butterfly Unfolding said...

I'm back on the wagon at 750 a day until I crack this bitch. Thems the rules.