Today started off fucking miserably! And I'm talking class A misery. Not only did I wake up and I was 1lb up from yesterday even though I didn't have that much to eat and after I literally fought with myself for like - an hour about not going to buy binge food (which I won in the end).. wait let me finish that thought first. So I have realised - you know how they say that cravings last for five minutes - LIES. I have cravings for about an hour. Where I kinda go, I want, I want, I want. It's more of a mental craving I think, than anything else. In addition to being vegan, I have also decided to not drink for October - Sober October, OcSober, whatevs - and I've decided to not eat crisps for October. Because I am addicted to crisps. Anyway, that being said...Today was also shit, because I'm so over work at the moment and the whole interview process with all of these companies is just dragging the fuck on. So that was shitty.
But I have been thinking of something Sam Lupin said in her one of her comments (<3 <3 <3 <3) which was something along the lines of needing to up my intake for a little bit before I start doing my thang again and it got me to thinking that I need to go back to the basics again. Of learning how to do this. I remember when I started restricting properly I aimed for 800 cals a day. And I didn't beat myself up about if I literally ate 799. You know when you say "I'm only eating 500 cals a day" - what you actually mean is that I'm eating 300 cals a day, because I don't want everyone to see what a Fat Piggy I am. Of course I have more willpower and I can do better than those enormous 500 calories. So when I say 800, I mean 500. So I think I am going to aim to be around 800... and actually mean 800.
I digress, yet again. I digress a fuckload... in general. Honestly, sometimes... *SHUT UP PIGGY* - ANYWAY. So here are my victories for today. The first is my intake - coke light, soup (225), green juice (60?), pot noodles (240) and pistachios (170) for a grand total of 695 for the day - which really is quite alright. VICTORY! I also managed to go to a friends house and NOT eat any of the ton of pasta bake that was on offer, I just sipped my freshly juiced green juice (have you guys noticed the green juice trend - I'm a fucking sucker for a fad - no jokes!) VICTORY! I did not binge today, when I very easily could have bought a shiton of food on the way home and instead bought the noodles and pistachios. WIN! And then my vegan win - the noodles that I bought had chicken flavouring with them and instead of using it (cuz I mean, it was a chicken a really, really long time ago and it's only flavouring), I used thai green curry paste instead. So that's fucking amazefest. SELF-FIVE!
So, I think that within our own fucked up, ED dominated mess of a world, let's make it our mission today and maybe for tomorrow too to be kind to ourselves. We may fuck up and eat... all the time. But let's consider that we really do try hard and have made it the centre of our lives. I mean, surely we deserve some kind of credit for at least trying. And trying hard. But at the end of the day, we can't help it that we have to eat as a basic human instinct, or that we are designed to need food. So despite the fact that food is just unacceptable - let's be kind today. :)
Peace & Sammy