That my mood goes to shit. I'm moody and emotional. I'm lacking motivation and everything is taken personally, as if it is a directed attack on me and how vastly inadequate I am as a person. Sure, I'd be happier if I just ate. I'd rather be skinny and miserable, than fat and happy.
For fuck sakes Piggy, do you hear yourself? What the fuck is wrong with you!? It's just the way it has to be.
Today, I'm a bit pissed off - I took laxies last night and spent three hours in absolute agony only to wake up this morning not having lost an ounce. Surely, my stomach looks flatter - but SERIOUSLY? That just means that I'm not even food weight fat, I'm proper fat. Proper, proper 65.3kg of fat. How disgusting.
My intake was almost awesome, but then there were two major slip ups - the one is that a colleague bought me fat red bull (i.e. the 119cals per can one) - EVERYONE knows that you should go sugarfree - always. No exceptions. Then, with this being one of the first days in a while that I've not eaten all day at all - when I got home and was making dinner, I ate 4 crispbread things (100) and doused my dinner in mango chutney - probably about 150 cals worth. In addition, I had curried fried rice (250), two sugar free energy drink things (20) and tea with milk (80) - total for the day being 750 or thereabouts. We are not amused. I need to just drink a lot of water.
With tomorrow being Friday, my next goal is to NOT binge this weekend. I'm going to allow myself some crisps tomorrow, but that's it. Well, I say that, but we all know that I'm one very weak Piggy. Also, I want to get some smokeables next week and then it really goes to shit. But something to look forward to - I'm getting a new tattoo on Friday. Happy 4th to me!! :D
Moody & Shit