So for the past few weeks - since Paris really, I've been trying to work out this maintenance thing. And my weight has fluctuated up and down as a result of basically not knowing how to do this at all. A few big meals deserves a starve, right? Or conversely, a few days starving deserves a binge? Well obviously, this is how we are programmed, right?
I'm hovering somewhere around 65kgs and want to be hovering around 62 - which is where I was the morning of Paris. But, I'm trying not to fixate and to focus on not binging, keeping my calories lowish, but not 600 a day low. I am hoping that this will lead to a gradual and sustainable weightloss. Not centred around guilt and shame.
I mean, okay there is a lie in there. I'm trying to control my cheat days more, so those aren't massive with a sustained intake of about 1000 a day. Most people might not call that "progress" but obviously it is.
I don't know if there is a solution to this or if the solution is to keep battling onwards and upwards... Errr downwards. But I am trying and it's going more right than wrong, so I figure it's okay.
I got a guitar on Sunday and I'm in love. 😍
Things with Tyler are still going, long distance is horrible and tricky, and me being the emotional mess that I am, I have a lot of bad moments when I get angry and upset for no discernible reason.
Colbey texted me a week ago saying how sorry he was, then immediately added me on Facebook where I was able to see that he replaced me with a girl from work within weeks of us parting company, and to add insult to injury, he did all the things he said he'd do with me, with her. So I am irrationally angry at him and miss him at the same time. It took me no time at all to get over him, but now that he's on my whatsapp, I feel unstable about it. He was deported a couple weeks ago and is bumming around Croatia currently and wants to see me when he's back in London for his last few days. I hate him, I swear I do. Never forgive, never forget.
I am doing stand up on the 27th of July and absolutely bricking it. Everyone always says I'm funny, that counts for something right.
I'm flying to Egypt via Istanbul in six weeks, I'm kinda fucking terrified about this. I'm also going alone. But if those terrorist bastards wanna try and kill me, come at me bro!
Piggy over and out!
Peace & Love