I have eaten none stop for two weeks and I am wondering why exactly it is that I am so fucking enormous? The fat on my thighs, under my chin is killing me. I didn't binge today, I stuck to my calorie range, tomorrow will be the same. I am such a fat fucking whale enormous obese pig. These meds had better kick in soon, they are supposed to control binges. That fucking Whore must have lied to me. Control binges, no mutha fucker - these cause fucking binges. Jesus fucking christ. After this week of being in control, I am sure that I can get to my UGW soon. Fuck all I talk about is reaching 55. WILL IT EVER COME!? Although, proudly - I had the hugest family dinner last night and ended up staying up till 7am watching series and the whole time I was saying to myself that after one more episode I will go get breakfast since technically I haven't slept, so technically it's still today and tomorrow will be a better day. One look at my fat disgusting pigass of self in the mirror on a bathroom break set that shit up just fine.
My ex and I have still been in contact. Right now, I am typing on his love laptop. *cry* I can't let him suck me back into this shit. I won't. I have resolved to take my notebook with me to my shrink before I leave so that we can discuss the shit in there. I don't know if it is a good idea, but I know she will guide me through it. Whether she thinks it will be helpful or not. I don't know. I just want to leave already. I have this bad feeling that something is going to happen. And then what? Fuck it. I better hear about my visa before Friday. I am going to have a panic attack. I also need to start packing my shit, but it's like I am putting it off until I know for certain that I am going, because right now it doesn't feel like it will EVER happen.
Oh - Is the following really lame? I have been hankering some literary shit down into some word docs and I was kinda thinking of actually dedicating myself to writing a fucking novel. Christ - what am I saying. I think it is lame, I don't necessarily think I write well, I am a lawyer and I don't know if what I have to say is legit. But it could be a project? Like I'm thinking maybe of just stringing some shit together and see if it goes anywhere. Wow. Don't be too harsh on this idea. There are a million people that want to do the same thing. Fuck me. This is a bad idea.
Fat & Acne