Thursday, May 23, 2013

Remember, Remember

Part of this life is of course the constant preoccupation with food and my appearance. I mean - maybe having an ED is an extreme part of vanity... It does kind of seem that way. I can stare at myself in the mirror or my reflection in windows or WHEREVER for hours without getting bored. Looking to see if maybe I look at myself long enough, I'll look thinner. Today when I was on the train on the way home I remembered what it was like when my doctor told me that I was underweight and that I had an unhealthy BMI. God, that may be one of the best moments of my life. I can't wait to be there again. I CANNOT FUCKING WEIGHT. Also on the tube this evening there was yet another cow-mouth gum chewer. I got up to move to the end of the carriage. Fucking hell. I just don't get it. I often move to get away from people on the tube. Last night there was a fat man eating the hugest portion of chips I've ever seen. *rofl* Who am I kidding, I could probably eat three times as much on a binge - WHATEVER! Or if I see a couple that are gorgeous together, I move away to stop myself from being jealous of them. Sometimes I wonder if I would have any friends if they knew what went on in my head... it is a very hostile place. 

THAT ASIDE. Today has been alright for food. I am technically eight days along without a binge, even though I had a shiton of peanut butter - I haven't over eaten in terms of quantity for that long. I'm aiming for Tuesday. I.e. to make it through the weekend. Which is a bank holiday weekend. I weighed in at... WAIT FOR IT... 63.9kg this morning. That is a loss of 0.7kg over night. Thank fuck. Let's see what tomorrow brings. Today I had half a banana for breakfast and half a pear, the other half went into my lunch salad - which was my lunch obviously, for dinner I went a bit crazy with a whole carton of tomato soup (260), a hard boiled egg (60) and a teaspoon of peanut butter (100?) So today is around... 700 for the day? Which isn't bad. I've found that by pretty much only eating veggies and fruit with small amounts of protein, I am not too sleepy during the day. I'm going to keep going until I'm back at 55. Only 8.9kgs to go. Truth be told though, I would be happy to be at 58 again. I was at 58 for so long. I'm happy there. I feel skinny at that weight. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo


5 comments:

Ashley Nichole said...

Good luck with everything, sounds like you are doing great!

jakiic said...

Just caught up with your blog. Love your writing style!

Jamie said...

Congratulations on not bingeing. That's great!

Elizabeth said...

you are amazing. You always were amazing! Keep it up, love. and stay strong.

ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

oh my God
let me tell you this - i've had lab instructors tell me to stop looking at any reflective surfaces. i look like a narcissist in some way to most people. fuck.
'I CANNOT FUCKING WEIGHT'...was that supposed to be a pun
omg i do that all the time. i start to write stuff like 'calories, thin, fat' when im saiyng normal things. my iPhone now changes 'far' to 'fat' whenever i type it in. fucking Hell.
omg. i know right i know the feeling of 'i can propably eat three times as much on a binge'.
GIVE ME 63.9! I HAVE TO LOSE LIKE NEARLY FIVE KILOS TO BE WHERE YOU'RE AT!
you are skinny at all weights ok
-Sam Lupin