Tuesday, November 10, 2015

When I Learnt To Restrict

I have had an eating disorder since I was about 15, I reckon. It wasn't always what it is now - back then it was a lot of uncontrollable binging. Then starving for a week, binging for a week - I was never thin, I gradually increased in weight and ended up at my highest weight. When I was 17 I wanted to lose weight for my prom, so I started eating vegetables only. I gave up dairy, meat and sugar and the weight dropped pretty quickly. But again, I wasn't exactly thin. I think my lowest back then was about the same as I am right now. 70-ish. But that was when I first dipped my toe into long-term sustained restricting. 

Fast forward 7 years and I was in London, shagging a worthy Australian named Ben, who I wanted more than anything (although he was mean and annoying) - we had been shagging for about three months and I thought things were going somewhere with him, even though I knew that secretly he was in love with Monika - my bestie. In a way, though I have never admitted this, I only hooked up with him in the first place so she wouldn't have him. Whatever, I was young. Anyway, so I behaved like a stupid horrible possessive drunk one night at a houseparty and Ben broke things off the next day. I was embarrassed and upset with him and myself. And the thing that stung the most was that I KNEW that him and Monika would hook up - and that pissed me off more than anything. When you are the fat girl, you don't want the thin girl to win. She was quite skinny back then and I was jealous. 

Anyway, so after this happened, I just didn't feel like eating. I would have a can of Heinz soup for lunch and a small dinner. It would probably still 1000 - 1500 calories, but I just didn't want to eat and I reveled at my body for this. I dropped 10lbs very quickly. In like... two weeks. It was amazing and then after that even when I did feel like eating I would stop myself, because I knew that I could go with much less food. 

When I went back to Cape Town and met Roy, I ate normally for a while. I didn't gain any of the weight back but didn't lose. And then one day, when our relationship was starting to sour, I came on blogger and started reading and I KNEW that I could do this. So I set myself a goal initially of 1000 calories a day. I used to obsess about food, blogging, tracking my meals, exercising - all of it. I was obsessed. If you read back to some of my first posts, you can see how obsessed I was with this platform. Gradually I would decrease my calories, but I never went through a long period of time with very very low cals - like 100 a day kinda low. But the weight dropped off pretty quickly, over three months I'd say I lost about 20lbs. It was amazing. 

I loved everything about being skinny. I loved my collar bones and the way clothing used to hang off of me. I loved not having to second guess what I was wearing because I knew that I didn't have much fat to hang out of things. I loved the attention from men and that people always used to ask me if I was a model. I loved hooking up with men that I knew were completely out of my league or sitting around the table with girlfriends who would comment on how skinny I was as I chowed down on a hamburger (for show, because of course that meant that I wouldn't eat for a week). 

Anyway, I was thinking about this in the shower yesterday and just wanted to share. I am going back to that place, because no amount of food or therapy is ever going to make me as happy as I was when I looked that way. Maybe I am vain, but it is beyond me to care about that - I want to be skinny. Not too skinny, like 130lbs (I'm tall). I just want to feel like that again. Hopefully by Christmas, things will have improved. 

Love & Peace
Xo Xo


Ruby Tuesday said...

This post was an amazing read Piggy
It's great to read some of your story
And I can relate

I do want to say that you are perfect just the way you are
You are tall
And so can carry weight that most of us can't
I love reading your blog
But it makes me so sad that you are constantly trying to eat less and weigh less
Anyone who is worth it will stick around no matter what you weigh

I just want you to be happy Hun
And I think this trying to lose weight is making you miserable
For myself
I try to go by how I feel
Rather than what I weigh
And I feel pretty ok
So I'm not going to mess around with my weight
You have such talent Piggy
You dream big
And I love that about you

I hope I haven't said anything out of line here
I just want you to be happy and healthy
Because you are a friend
And friends look out for friends
All this was said out of love and concern

Stay well
And never forget that you are a total badass!
And that you are loved
No matter what you weigh x

Lightened Fare said...

I have been following your blog for a while now. I have fluctuated from 190-150 lbs and back up again, and I have to say, I have NEVER felt as good as when I was 150 and people were constantly commenting on my weight loss. I'm 5'11'', and I'm recently back into restricting and obsessive counting and tracking. Is it strange that I missed it? I like having it as my secret, too. Anyways, just wanted to say I seriously related to this post, especially the elation being skinny brought to you.