Ever since the initial Joe meet happened, I've found it really hard to stay motivated in my fasts and restrictions. And I think I've figured out how I tick. When there is something that I want to look thin for, or even if there is something in my life that is making me happy and excited, I seem to be able to 'love myself' enough to stay motivated on my quest for size zero. When I'm feeling miserable, demotivated and hating life - it is basically impossible. Almost as if I feel that I don't deserve to be thin and if I'm going to be normal and miserable like every one else, then I may as well be fat and disgusting.
For the two weeks prior to Joes arrival, I was absolutely determined to look thin. Determined. And it gave me the motivation to stick to that detox for over three weeks without cheating. And then he left. Fat again. Fat eating. I think that's actually the best way of describing it. FAT EATING. Then last week with the Goldfish concert, I saw a friend who I haven't seen in six months and it was like I had to be thin or she'd know that I put on weight and then she would win. Skinny eating. After the concert, losing my wallet and everything - fat eating. I've been feeling really down lately as a result of a lot of things, work, boys, my lack of a social life. I'm feeling particularly demotivated about my ex, see the last couple posts, and about my lack of career progression.
Then yesterday was the most awful downer of a day that I have had in a long time. I have applied for a hundred jobs with no feedback and I got drunk and emailed my ex. A question about my stupid little netbook which is having serious technical issues. And he emailed me back and there were a few mails back and forth. And yesterday, being drunk and then hungover, demotivated and lonely. It was a horrible day.
Today, something magical happened. I don't feel miserable or piney about my ex. I honestly don't care. I'm not phased that I spoke to him. I'm not phased about him or his life. I honestly don't give two shits about it. See all these fucks that I do not give? ALL THESE FUCKS? None. It is amazing that today, I don't feel like I want to mail him again. I just don't care. Also, I got two requests for interviews today which will be happening next week. And I got some more freelance work, so it looks like I'm actually going to be okay. Dudes, today happened. And today - my intake has been about 400 cals. I'm feeling like a million fucking bucks. It's almost as if I have found a reason to feel like I deserve to be thin again and the motivation has followed. And yes, I've felt hungry. Yes, I want to eat. But I deserve to be thin today and that is reflected in my world. I don't give a shit about Roy anymore. Him getting married doesn't bug me, someone actually thinks I'm worth employing. Joe is just lovely and I deserve to be skinny.
The totally fucked up thing is that we all know that this ED business is entirely unhealthy and a lot of people say that they punish themselves with restriction, that they aren't worth the food, that they don't deserve it. I find that for me, it is the total opposite. I deserve to be thin and I deserve to be hungry to get there. Food is a punishment. Fat eating is what I do to punish myself. Being thin makes me happy and I don't deserve to be happy, so I deserve to stuff my face and get an ass the size of Neptune. I suppose it is a bit fucked, but right now, I'm worth the effort.
I pledge allegiance to skinny eating. Today, tomorrow, forever.
Peace & Love