Friday, March 1, 2013

I deserve to be hungry.

Ever since the initial Joe meet happened, I've found it really hard to stay motivated in my fasts and restrictions. And I think I've figured out how I tick. When there is something that I want to look thin for, or even if there is something in my life that is making me happy and excited, I seem to be able to 'love myself' enough to stay motivated on my quest for size zero. When I'm feeling miserable, demotivated and hating life - it is basically impossible. Almost as if I feel that I don't deserve to be thin and if I'm going to be normal and miserable like every one else, then I may as well be fat and disgusting. 

For the two weeks prior to Joes arrival, I was absolutely determined to look thin. Determined. And it gave me the motivation to stick to that detox for over three weeks without cheating. And then he left. Fat again. Fat eating. I think that's actually the best way of describing it. FAT EATING. Then last week with the Goldfish concert, I saw a friend who I haven't seen in six months and it was like I had to be thin or she'd know that I put on weight and then she would win. Skinny eating. After the concert, losing my wallet and everything - fat eating. I've been feeling really down lately as a result of a lot of things, work, boys, my lack of a social life. I'm feeling particularly demotivated about my ex, see the last couple posts, and about my lack of career progression. 

Then yesterday was the most awful downer of a day that I have had in a long time. I have applied for a hundred jobs with no feedback and I got drunk and emailed my ex. A question about my stupid little netbook which is having serious technical issues. And he emailed me back and there were a few mails back and forth. And yesterday, being drunk and then hungover, demotivated and lonely. It was a horrible day. 

Today, something magical happened. I don't feel miserable or piney about my ex. I honestly don't care. I'm not phased that I spoke to him. I'm not phased about him or his life. I honestly don't give two shits about it. See all these fucks that I do not give? ALL THESE FUCKS? None. It is amazing that today, I don't feel like I want to mail him again. I just don't care. Also, I got two requests for interviews today which will be happening next week. And I got some more freelance work, so it looks like I'm actually going to be okay. Dudes, today happened. And today - my intake has been about 400 cals. I'm feeling like a million fucking bucks. It's almost as if I have found a reason to feel like I deserve to be thin again and the motivation has followed. And yes, I've felt hungry. Yes, I want to eat. But I deserve to be thin today and that is reflected in my world. I don't give a shit about Roy anymore. Him getting married doesn't bug me, someone actually thinks I'm worth employing. Joe is just lovely and I deserve to be skinny. 

The totally fucked up thing is that we all know that this ED business is entirely unhealthy and a lot of people say that they punish themselves with restriction, that they aren't worth the food, that they don't deserve it. I find that for me, it is the total opposite. I deserve to be thin and I deserve to be hungry to get there. Food is a punishment. Fat eating is what I do to punish myself. Being thin makes me happy and I don't deserve to be happy, so I deserve to stuff my face and get an ass the size of Neptune. I suppose it is a bit fucked, but right now, I'm worth the effort. 

I pledge allegiance to skinny eating. Today, tomorrow, forever. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

5 comments:

Katy said...

don't be so hard on yourself honey! eating is just a natural reaction when you're feeling down. maybe when you feel you have nothing to get thin for, try setting up some little goals that are achievable and that get you working towards something. you know, maybe like "when i reach ___ weight i can buy this dress" or "if i stay binge free for ___ days i can have this bar of candy" - just silly little things that keep your head in the game. hope you're well ♥

Judith Marie said...

See, I had always thought of it in the opposite way, I don't deserve to eat because I'm such a horrible person. But now this reverse point of view makes a lot more sense. I do like myself a whole lot more than I used to...and this way of thinking just really appeals to me. I deserve to be happy and thin, and I deserve to be hungry! I mean, the happiness and power that I feel after each fast, I totally deserve to feel that more often.
Gosh, pretty lady, this whole post is so motivational and inspirational in so many ways.

ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

:(
i think that when im actually purely ecstatic, it's easier to restrict and when im anxious, i can easily skip meals. i don't think i've experienced pure depression or sadness ever i think all those times i was just anxious
IM HAPPY NORMALLY THOUGH AND THIS MEANS I EAT LIKE A TRUCK but when im over over happy (that exists then i can restrict forever).
Roy is a fucker that needs a spoon shoved up his butthole
or really a shovel 'cause he's such an asshole
HOT CHICK AT THE END YAY
-Sam Lupin/George DiCap

Lena said...

I'm so happy to hear that you're feeling better my dear. You definitely deserve to be happy. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself, even though I know that it can be hard. I'm sure that you'll do great on your interviews and I know that you can work hard to get what you want. So don't quit and good luck!
Lena xx

Lena said...
This comment has been removed by the author.