Yesterday was a good day until about 1am. I managed to have a cup of coffee with fat free milk, an skinny iced coffee, a honey latte (okay I know this isn't great) and about half a mango. I was also running around yesterday for work, so all in all it was good. I mean, running up and down streets dropping things off, up and down the restaurant. Then I got home with the ex, brought him this tandoori style chicken thing with a garlic nan which we ate together. Then god... I'm so embarrassed. Then I ate a whole bowl of basil pesto pasta. :( FUCK! I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like now that I have reached my first goal weight, all my willpower is gone. FUCK it's horrible. I don't know what to do about it as well. *cry*
On another note, in the restaurant last night we had Francois Piennar (my US followers may have heard of him, in the movie INVICTUS - Matt Damon played him - not quite as hot though. Matt Damon - a weakness of mine.) - who is the 1995 World Cup Winning SA Rugby Captain. And also had James Horwill - who is the current Australian rugby captain. WHO IS HAWT! So hot. I made sure to prance past their table a few times, I'm sure he gave me a look or two. Arrogant much? *cry* I got a compliment from my manager who is kind of cute, who said I am prettier than the hostess in our upstairs restaurant. WHO I think is absolutely gorgeous. Funny thing is, I don't believe them for a second. I know, objectively I am not ugly - but then I think - my eyes are too small, my nose is a little bumpy, my cheeks are SO fat, my head is just too big. I guess it's the same thing when us ED folk look in the mirror. I know I'm not "fat" but when I look in the mirror, it is ALL I SEE. Jiggle. My fat flabby stomach, my fat ass, my huge bingo wings, fatty inner thighs, back fat, double chin. Gross. I can't see my ribs unless I stretch, I can't see my hips unless I'm lying down. I have a fat ugly pooch. SUCH a fat stomach.
My ex said to me today - "you definitely have a very bad eating disorder" - I laughed. I don't even think he knows what a mutha fucken eating disorder is. He has NO idea. I thought of some of the girls I read about - that consistently eat 100 cals per day, or that throw up everything they eat. I am not bad at all. ANYWAY, the topic of my post. SO despite the fact that I am eating like a fat disgusting pig, the scale told me I weighed 59.7kg/131.6lbs this morning. Which is a bullshit lie. I don't even know how that is possible. I mean fuck it, really. I look so enormous. *sigh* SO I'm going to my mom later tonight, I'll weigh myself there. She has a scale. I am at least 62kg. That is the true number I am sure.
Tomorrow is my graduation day. I fetched my gown this morning. So in honour of it, I am going to fruit fast today. I have had some grapes and a mango. Yum yum, I have decided that the reason I love fruit fasts so much is because, you eat throughout the day - ED dream and the calories are low-ish. And it helps your system to... er... work. So the fruit doesn't sit and rot in your stomach for weeks like with normal fasting. Anyway, so it's my new thing. Also, now that I am down to 60 (allegedly), I don't feel like I need to drop super fast - I mean 1lb a week without the yo yo would be nice. HAHAHA WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING!? I don't give a crap about healthy weight loss. I want to be 56 NOW GODDAMN! NOW! I feel like I definitely can be by New Years Eve. If I am, then I am partying in a bikini and never taking it off.
I should make quite a bit of money by the middle of January with all the working at this restaurant I will be doing between now and then. So I plan to buy lots of new clothes, a hair cut and a new tattoo on my thigh. I have changed my mind about what I want it to say, instead of the memento mori idea, I am going to have a latin translation of live without fear. Because, that is my new years resolution for 2012. I am conquering fears. I am so sick and tired of being scared of everything. SO this must be done.
Anyway, wish me luck for grad? Maybe I'll be in the (alleged) 58's by tomorrow morning. Must however stay hydrated.
Fat & Thin