Friday, December 16, 2011

My scale must be fucked.

Yesterday was a good day until about 1am. I managed to have a cup of coffee with fat free milk, an skinny iced coffee, a honey latte (okay I know this isn't great) and about half a mango. I was also running around yesterday for work, so all in all it was good. I mean, running up and down streets dropping things off, up and down the restaurant. Then I got home with the ex, brought him this tandoori style chicken thing with a garlic nan which we ate together. Then god... I'm so embarrassed. Then I ate a whole bowl of basil pesto pasta. :( FUCK! I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like now that I have reached my first goal weight, all my willpower is gone. FUCK it's horrible. I don't know what to do about it as well. *cry*

On another note, in the restaurant last night we had Francois Piennar (my US followers may have heard of him, in the movie INVICTUS - Matt Damon played him - not quite as hot though. Matt Damon - a weakness of mine.) - who is the 1995 World Cup Winning SA Rugby Captain. And also had James Horwill - who is the current Australian rugby captain. WHO IS HAWT! So hot. I made sure to prance past their table a few times, I'm sure he gave me a look or two. Arrogant much? *cry* I got a compliment from my manager who is kind of cute, who said I am prettier than the hostess in our upstairs restaurant. WHO I think is absolutely gorgeous. Funny thing is, I don't believe them for a second. I know, objectively I am not ugly - but then I think - my eyes are too small, my nose is a little bumpy, my cheeks are SO fat, my head is just too big. I guess it's the same thing when us ED folk look in the mirror. I know I'm not "fat" but when I look in the mirror, it is ALL I SEE. Jiggle. My fat flabby stomach, my fat ass, my huge bingo wings, fatty inner thighs, back fat, double chin. Gross. I can't see my ribs unless I stretch, I can't see my hips unless I'm lying down. I have a fat ugly pooch. SUCH a fat stomach.

My ex said to me today - "you definitely have a very bad eating disorder" - I laughed. I don't even think he knows what a mutha fucken eating disorder is. He has NO idea. I thought of some of the girls I read about - that consistently eat 100 cals per day, or that throw up everything they eat. I am not bad at all. ANYWAY, the topic of my post. SO despite the fact that I am eating like a fat disgusting pig, the scale told me I weighed 59.7kg/131.6lbs this morning. Which is a bullshit lie. I don't even know how that is possible. I mean fuck it, really. I look so enormous. *sigh* SO I'm going to my mom later tonight, I'll weigh myself there. She has a scale. I am at least 62kg. That is the true number I am sure.

Tomorrow is my graduation day. I fetched my gown this morning. So in honour of it, I am going to fruit fast today. I have had some grapes and a mango. Yum yum, I have decided that the reason I love fruit fasts so much is because, you eat throughout the day - ED dream and the calories are low-ish. And it helps your system to... er... work. So the fruit doesn't sit and rot in your stomach for weeks like with normal fasting. Anyway, so it's my new thing. Also, now that I am down to 60 (allegedly), I don't feel like I need to drop super fast - I mean 1lb a week without the yo yo would be nice. HAHAHA WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING!? I don't give a crap about healthy weight loss. I want to be 56 NOW GODDAMN! NOW! I feel like I definitely can be by New Years Eve. If I am, then I am partying in a bikini and never taking it off.

I should make quite a bit of money by the middle of January with all the working at this restaurant I will be doing between now and then. So I plan to buy lots of new clothes, a hair cut and a new tattoo on my thigh. I have changed my mind about what I want it to say, instead of the memento mori idea, I am going to have a latin translation of live without fear. Because, that is my new years resolution for 2012. I am conquering fears. I am so sick and tired of being scared of everything. SO this must be done.

Anyway, wish me luck for grad? Maybe I'll be in the (alleged) 58's by tomorrow morning. Must however stay hydrated.

Fat & Thin
Xo Xo

10 comments:

Haley said...

I swear my scale is lying too! I hope you have a nice graduation and that you'll be seeing those 58's soon enough!

<3
Haley

Dumb Brunette said...

I bet your weight isn't as bad as you think. Maybe your metabolism is just faster than you think it is.

And I used to play rugby, before my life got to hectic to fit it in my schedule. And the men's team that shared the field with us....omg sooo hot. They were a bunch of douchebags...but they were hot douchebags. I really think that of all the different kinds of athletes, rugby guys are the sexiest.

Hope you have a nice graduation. Try and think positive. You don't want to ruin your day with a lot of negative thoughts.

❤ ♥ Sam [Misha] Lupin ❥ ❣ said...

gahh. we all know what you mean. that starve cycle you were talking about? that combined with the fast/binge cycle. not good.
i've managed to fast for 48 hours, not binge, fast for another 24, and not binge. then after that, i kind of binged when i got back my Bio results. damn emotional eating. but hey, no purge. nothing. :D
MATT DAMON IS AWESOME
my body is lying. i don't look that fat anymore and i haven't lost much. that or the scale is lying. i really think i need new batteries anyway considering my Mother also says she weighs like 4kg less on every other scale except for my own. gahh. if i was really 4kg less than what i weigh now...*blissful thoughts* i just don't believe any other scale. really. my friend's scale used to say i was like 65kg CLOTHED. i was like: FUCK NO. that's a lie.
<3
we love you.
have a fun grad! GAHHH i want SO be underneath 140's for my grad. which is like in May. xD. but maybe P would be back before then. then game over, dammit.
still loving youuuu [Scorpions]
-Sam Lupin

Teena said...

GAHHHHH, I miss rugby soooo much and anyone talking about it makes me miss my home (which is in New Zealand) that would have been so much fun:). GOOD LUCK for graduation hope all goes amazingly for you

By All Means said...

congratulations and good luck with graduation. and you never know, sometimes i just eat and then i way myself and im shocked that im not as heavy as i thought, it all depends on how active we are that day :)

Grace P said...

It's common for scales to be different from each other. Do you weigh yourself twice (right after each other) in the mornings? Sometimes you can see more of a true weight if you do? The other thing is DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT YOUR MOM'S SCALE BEING DIFFERENT! Remember you started with yours, and have been tracking your progress according to this one. No matter what this scale says, you have made progress! Stick to one, or if you do think your scale is inaccurate save up and get a new one and go by that one. xoxox

Judith Marie said...

Firstly, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! You're graduating! That's freaking exciting. Well done you smartypants lawyer. Will you post pictures of your dress????

Also, I know exactly what you mean by not believing the scale. Mine says I've gained 4lbs. I'm sure it's more than that. I feel at least 10lbs heavier.

But yes, fruit fast! I'm so doing that, like, next year. I can't fruit fast during the holidays or my family will kill me. 56kg is an admirable target! Good luck! I'm sure you can do it!

And thanks for all the support hun. You really do give me some fantastic advice. I'm always here for you if you need me!

Bones said...

I never trust my scale-- I trust what I see in my mirror, which is supposedly warped, I don't know. I hate people telling me that what I see is false, though. I think the fact that you're getting positive comparisons to people that you've pinpointed as attractive is great! It sounds like you have high standards, so your manager seems to see you in a fantastic light. 56 sounds like a fine target, but I hope you don't overdo it. It may sound hypocritical for me, of all people, to urge someone to be healthy, but here it is: don't do anything that will hurt you in the long run. Hang in there, and well done on your progress so far!

xx

A.beautiful.mess said...

Congrats on graduation, it's done by this point. Hopefully you didn't fall and you posed perfectly for the photos.

For my B Com Law graduation, I almost fell forward in front of everything. True story.

I'm sure your scale isn't lying and you are really that weight.

Francois Pienaar, haha I love him :) And James Horwill is hot especially for a rugby player because to me most rugby players aren't hot. UNless they're from the italian rugby team ;) I love how he was looking at you. You must be looking really goood, high five to you.

I find it so difficult to do complete fasts. Fruit/Veg/Soup fasts are more successful and I'm less likely to binge.

Little Miss Thin ♥ said...

Mirrors, scales and photographs are so evil :( I hate all three yet I live by them.
I hate the fact you're 7 inches taller and weigh less than me- so jealous!!

Were you 58s?? xx