Monday, December 12, 2011

Big Fat Piggy

I woke up this morning at 59.2. FUCK YEAH! But then, as always I binged today like a mutha fucker. I had a mini meltdown yesterday with the ex about all the shit that has been happening. He made it very clear that he doesn't care about me at all and that all he wants is for me to move out. But then he said later that he was only angry and didn't mean it. Then today, it's back to the sexing and cutesy cuddly crap. I am so over his little games and all of this shit. Slowly, ever so slowly, I am starting to get so sick of this shit and am seeing that he isn't the stable amazing guy that I knew, he is just as crazy as I am. The only difference is that I know that I am crazy. Like - what. the. fuck. Anyway, so I am still moving in three weeks. Got a nice email from the guy this morning inviting me round for dinner to meet the other boys.

I bet I am going to weigh at least 62 tomorrow. Guess what? Tomorrow is the start of another fruit fast. It is graduation on Saturday and I can't look fat. One of my best ladies is coming over tomorrow and we are going to do mani pedis and talk about all things grad. I CANNOT WAIT!

I booked a ticket to go to a festival over new years, which I am so excited about. The hot friend of my ex, with whom I cheated (YES, I KNOW!?) is going to be at the same festival. Maybe a perfect way of getting over him. I am so sick of being so needy and insecure. I NEED TO FUCKING GET OVER IT! I hate that all I want to do is replace one boy with another - WON'T SOMEONE LOVE ME!? I hate that all I do is sit and obsess about how I can make myself better so that he will love me. I mean, on paper I am the best he will ever do. I am tall and pretty, "thin", smart, ambitious. Fuck, I am amazing on paper. (I really am not this arrogant, but it is not beyond me to see why I am objectively a "catch") But why am I so fucked up. My credentials get the boys interested, then I crazy out and scare them away. This borderline shit is killing me.

OH and so last night, after my freak out - I started drinking. Which I was specifically told by two of my doctors to NOT do, because of the liver damage issue resulting from the overdose. So I drank a bottle of wine, pissed off my ass and got so upset that I started doing crazy shit. Like walking around the streets, climbing trees and announcing to my ex "I am going to cut myself now" before marching upstairs and giving myself five cute little cuts on my stomach. FUCK SAKES!

A whole bunch of crazy for this fat piggy. *SIGH* GRADUATION GRADUATION GRADUATION!

Love & Crazy
Xo Xo


miss alisha said...

Eating your feelings sucks. Try to come up with other ways to deal with your emotions, like going for a crazy long run. That's what I do. Mind you, when I do that, I am very insane, and I run until I can't feel my legs...but it's better than bingeing, right?! Use the same tactics with the drinking. Alcohol isn't good for you, and shouldn't be a coping mechanism. I hope you're okay, and keep your head held high for graduation! I'm so proud of you.

Judith Marie said...

I've been binging for a week now and it sucks! Fruit fasts, if they work this well for you, then I'm really, really going to try it.

and funny, I have 5 cuts on my stomach! Well, on my flank, and I don't know if they're cute. But I like them anyway.

That new guy sounds like he could be nice! See where things go. You're great on paper, and great in person too. You're amazing girl and don't you forget it. And people do love you, I love you!!!! I'd totally marry you if I could!

You're not needy or insecure, breaking up makes everyone a little psychotic. It'll pass with time.

Sam Lupin said...

hit and punch that whore i tell you! you're too good for him!
i have been getting horrible anxiety whenever i do eat. it's insane. i mean, when i eat, i'm just like "YOU FUCKED IT ALL UP. OUT OF CONTROL PERSON." even if it's just eating half an apple and throwing it in the bin. 0__0 the hell is wrong with my anxiety. this morning, i'm like "YOU MUST WEIGH BACK AT 80KG NOW." yeah. i know. pretty much impossible even if i was binging the whole week.
you're perfect. they just are damn blind or something. sheesh.
gahhh. i hope you feel better, love! you sound so confused and hectic that it makes me sad. :'c <3

-Sam Lupin

A.beautiful.mess said...

Your ex is playing mind games with you and I'm glad you're starting to realise it.

The only reason I can get over a guy is to pretty much find another to start liking. It's replacing one obsession with another.

With alcohol, I think the numbing efffect it has is terrific. But too much just makes your feelings worse. That's my experience at least. And I did most recently overdo the whole alcohol thing.

I'm trying to stay low but it seems life is kicking me in the face and it's so difficult to stay sane never mind not eat. FML

Zoie said...

OMG. get this sexy man who you cheated with! he sounds like the perfect rebound. and your ex sounds pretty crazy. you are wonderful and need a stable, sexy man who treats u right! and hey....we all get drunk sometimes. so what? :) good luck darling!