I woke up this morning at 59.2. FUCK YEAH! But then, as always I binged today like a mutha fucker. I had a mini meltdown yesterday with the ex about all the shit that has been happening. He made it very clear that he doesn't care about me at all and that all he wants is for me to move out. But then he said later that he was only angry and didn't mean it. Then today, it's back to the sexing and cutesy cuddly crap. I am so over his little games and all of this shit. Slowly, ever so slowly, I am starting to get so sick of this shit and am seeing that he isn't the stable amazing guy that I knew, he is just as crazy as I am. The only difference is that I know that I am crazy. Like - what. the. fuck. Anyway, so I am still moving in three weeks. Got a nice email from the guy this morning inviting me round for dinner to meet the other boys.
I bet I am going to weigh at least 62 tomorrow. Guess what? Tomorrow is the start of another fruit fast. It is graduation on Saturday and I can't look fat. One of my best ladies is coming over tomorrow and we are going to do mani pedis and talk about all things grad. I CANNOT WAIT!
I booked a ticket to go to a festival over new years, which I am so excited about. The hot friend of my ex, with whom I cheated (YES, I KNOW!?) is going to be at the same festival. Maybe a perfect way of getting over him. I am so sick of being so needy and insecure. I NEED TO FUCKING GET OVER IT! I hate that all I want to do is replace one boy with another - WON'T SOMEONE LOVE ME!? I hate that all I do is sit and obsess about how I can make myself better so that he will love me. I mean, on paper I am the best he will ever do. I am tall and pretty, "thin", smart, ambitious. Fuck, I am amazing on paper. (I really am not this arrogant, but it is not beyond me to see why I am objectively a "catch") But why am I so fucked up. My credentials get the boys interested, then I crazy out and scare them away. This borderline shit is killing me.
OH and so last night, after my freak out - I started drinking. Which I was specifically told by two of my doctors to NOT do, because of the liver damage issue resulting from the overdose. So I drank a bottle of wine, pissed off my ass and got so upset that I started doing crazy shit. Like walking around the streets, climbing trees and announcing to my ex "I am going to cut myself now" before marching upstairs and giving myself five cute little cuts on my stomach. FUCK SAKES!
A whole bunch of crazy for this fat piggy. *SIGH* GRADUATION GRADUATION GRADUATION!
Love & Crazy