Saturday, December 24, 2011

What to say...

I am starting the moving process today. Last night was my last night with him in our home. Tonight onwards, I am housesitting at my mothers house while they are away, then I am going to move into my new place. GOD. I can't believe this day is here. I am anxious as fuck. GOD GOD. FUCK FUCK. Feel like I'm about to have a panic attack, or cry, or scream. I keep wishing that he'd ask me to stay, not that I would, but just that I would know that this isn't over. I mean today. It's over. IT IS OVER. Fuck I don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to leave, just a couple more hours then it's all over. It hurts. Like a mutha fucker - it hurts.

I also hate christmas and am boycotting it this year. I am working straight through and hopefully this time tomorrow I can forget all about it. I HATE CHRISTMAS!

I wish I could die. God, that's all I want.

Anyway, yesterday I ate like a pig. I had four brownies, a cheese sandwich and some rice with dinner. FUCKING DISGUSTING!!!!!!! Those brownies alone were like a million calories. And there was mayonaise on the sandwich. And it was egg-fried rice. FUCK FUCK. Anyway. I weighed in at 59.5kg. So at least I lost a little bit.

Sigh. *panic attack*

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

8 comments:

Bella said...

I don't really know what to say either. I wish I could just be wherever the hell you are, so I could make him do something, anything! I know the frustration, the hurt. I wish I could give you a hug or something. I suck at this (commenting-thing).

Just stay strong love. Maybe it'll all turn around tomorrow? Maybe not. But you'll never know if you don't keep going.
I believe in you <3

missinsanity. said...

omg, that "I HATE CHRISTMAS" line made me visualize you as the grinch.

sorry love. but it is a great scene. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lq1JIWQSlc

and you don't really want to die. you'd miss breathing too much, i assure you. <3

cheer up, dollface. :)

❤ ♥ Sam [Misha] Lupin ❥ ❣ said...

no panic attacks, sexy. DO. NOT. WANT.
awe, babe.
he's a fucking bastard. i told this countless of times. Georgie loves you. <3
that entire boycotting Christmas thing is making me laugh my ass off. <3 DAMMIT. i agree with missinsanity. the grinch! <3
yummy brownies *___* sorry. but fudge brownies are like my weakness. and cookies. dammit.
that's why i never have it in the house. i don't want to find out how purging a brownie or a cookie is. ESPECIALLY not cookie. just by the looks of it, it'll be PAINFUL. like bread.
59.5kg! DAMMIT. so sexily small! <3
-Sam Lupin

Bones said...

I think I hate Christmas a little bit, too. it's stressful enough without all the extra stuff you have going on. I know you can get through it, but of course it'll be hard, and I wish it didn't have to be! Hang in there, you have to believe you'll come out on the other side and be... okay, at least. And hey, you are skinny. 59. Well done.

Beth said...

My heart breaks for you because I know how you feel. I only wish, like you.. that I had the strength to walk away.

I love you.

Christina said...

I hope your okay.

xx

Butterfly Unfolding said...

I feel your pain. Stay strong, beautiful.

xxx

Mel said...

it hurts less and less every day, then one day it doesn't hurt at all <3 xx

you'll be okay :) we're here if you need to talk