Sunday, December 4, 2011

Makes Me Cry

Still in hospital. Fuck fuck fuck. I just want to go home. I hate this place. The ward I'm in may as well be an old age home because the other five women are almost dead. Its disgusting. Well... Okay they can't help it they are old but it definitely confirms my fear of getting to that age. They are like fucking dinosaurs stuck in a tar pit. All they do is eat, moan and shit their beds. It is DISGUSTING. My liver is slowly recovering. My ALT levels are down to about 1000 - which is good considering what they were a few days ago. I am still getting routinely pumped full of rat poison (parvolex for Judith) which is supposedly helping. Well I mean it is helping since my liver is still functioning and I'm not dead yet. I am hoping to be out of here by Wednesday, but I suspect this may be wishful thinking. I am also getting SO fat. I had a bit of a meltdown last night about it because I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I started crying and grabbing. Why are you SO fucking fat you little fat piggy!! I wish I had a scale. I want to ask the ex to bring mine here but they are already watching me like a hawk. Fuck fuck. So I'm fruit fasting today. I know I should be eating to recover but I am planning on eating a lot of fruit. But god I can't be fat at graduation on the 17th. I mean. I won't be able to retake those pictures and I will not look like an obese whale!! Fuck it Piggy - get it together. The boy is still being ambiguous. He was here last night and for once he was my only visitor. And he brought pizza and hopped in my bed and we cuddled. Which felt so good but its not real. I won't let him break my heart twice. No ways, I may be a fat piggy but I am not a stupid piggy. And he was kissing my hair and when he left my pillow smelt like him which also made me cry. :( But he won't do this to me again. Whenever I talk about moving out he keeps repeating - let's just take it one day at a time. He doesn't get to do this to me twice. He doesn't. He doesn't. He fucking doesn't. Shit piss fuck cunt. He fucking does not get to do this to me twice. I want someone to be proud of me. I want someone who is excited to see me. I want someone who is like he and I were in the beginning and he will never be that. Strong strong strong! He wants to go to medical school which I think is fantastic. All I can think is how much I want to be his wife. A doctor and a judge. It would be perfect. No piggy. No no no. They said I probably won't be able to have children after this episode because liver damage makes pregnancy very unsafe. Which is awesome by me. Is it weird that I'm excited by infertility? Hahaha. Anyway. Thank you for all the wonderful words of support and wisdom that have come from all you lovely beautiful flowers. Sometimes I think you're the only real friends that I have. I can't tell anyone else all of this without lectures and judgment and awkward questions. Welcome to my new followers, sorry you had to join to a suicidal piggy. Promise it won't happen again though. I can't wait to catch up with everyone. I can't really remember the comments I need to respond to and I'm on my blackberry so its a bit difficult to see them. I CAN'T WAIT TO GO HOME! If there is anything though you of course can email me - the address is on the left sidebar. Well the only sidebar. Respect & Love Xo Xo


Sam Lupin said...

*huggles you to the death*
one day it would be (parvolex for Sam and Judith, hopefully *fills head with medicine dreams*). I'm glad the liver is slowly recovering though! <3
Gahhh. WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE SO CRUEL. I know what you mean about the scale. I am back to weighing myself every day. GAHH THE SCALE.
Gahhhh. On graduation in May I also want to look like ANYTHING but a whale! >_<
Maybe a panda. They're cute.
WAIT....they're still fat...
Dear FP,
AWEEE. *huggles* I CANT WAIT UNTIL YOURE HOME TOO then we can have strong and raw and passionate sex on the floor! I Misha you so much, my love button! ;) <3
Love, George DiCaprio.

Don't worry, FP. I SWEAR I am not drunk nor drugged nor high on heroin - maybe high on tea and Diet Pepsi.
Like a boss, of course.

unincredible shrinking woman said...

Hey, I just started reading your blog, and might I say, it is FANTASTIC.
I'm so sorry for everything that boy is putting you through. I know you KNOW not to go back to him, but I also know how being young and in love is, so whether you do or not, I can only wish you the best of luck. They almost never change, but maybe he can be the almost never. Don't ignore the proper signs, you know?

And certainly don't worry about your weight. That sounds really dumb, but if you're packing the pounds on like crazy, they'll fall off just as quickly.

ednos Linny said...

Just try and focus on getting well what ever it takes you need you liver and we need you around. Hugs hun hang in there.

annamaria said...

I feel so inspired by your strength sweetie! I smiled on the two last sentences about the side bar (I don't know why lol). Get well soon, if I could I would send you like 20 dark red tulips!- my favourite flower :)

a big hug and all my wishes for a happy recovery *

SkinnyNinny said...

so glad you're still getting better!! I'm sure you will look lovely in your grad photos. Hang in there!

Judith Marie said...

Hey pretty lady,

I'm so sorry that you're gaining weight. Are they giving you parenteral feeding or something like that? I really wish you wouldn't fast in hospital. But I'm not there with you. If I was there with you then I could cuddle you all day and you wouldn't need that ex of yours.

I don't want to tell you how to feel, but I'm really glad to hear that you maintain a firm grasp on reality about your situation. It's nice of him to support you at a time like this though.

Oh!!!! Now it makes sense! Parvolex is the antidote to paracetamol poisoning. I was like thinking, the only rat poison drug I know thins your blood and that is so not what you need right now! Now I am very happy to hear that you are getting Parvolex.

Hope you're out of hospital and feeling better by graduation!

Love you lots my Beautiful Lady. I wish I could be there to hug you and make you smile.

Judith Marie

Lena said...

stay strong! you'll get through it

lulani said...

im so sorry you have to go through this. *hugs*

Haley said...

Oh. My. Gosh.

I would be sooo confused if I were you. Like I don't even know what to think now, and I am not even involved in the situation.

I have hooked up with an ex before, and we were kind of the same way, just not as complicated, as we weren't living together and we were never that serious. But he would say god its nice to be talking to you again, I love having you around, i've missed you so much. And we would talk, hangout, hook up, and like cuddle even. But when I asked him what was going on there he'd say nothing, like that was the stupidest question in the world.

And I have friends who have gone through similar situations sooo I feel like that's just something guys do sometimes.

Anyway, I hope you get things figured out and graduate and move and do all sorts of lovely things!