Saturday, August 17, 2013

You Don't Even Need Three Guesses

Because we all know from my last post that I binged. And it was disgusting. I ate four blueberry muffins, a large packet of crisps, tuna and sweetcorn salad, a sub and cannelonni. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed that I ate so much. If it's any consolation - which it isn't - I felt really, really ill most of last night after it. It was awful. Oh and I hate a fudge milkshake. Today, I haven't had anything except three cups of coffee with milk and about a teaspoon of honey between them. I plan to not have anything else, except maybe some fruit. I was 62.3kg yesterday morning, so I'm hoping to still be in the 62's tomorrow if I don't eat today. Hopefully not higher than 63's. 

I also had a long skype with my friend in Cape Town. What a pair we make, because she has an overeating disorder, which isn't just a nice way of saying she is fat. She is a food addict and is out of control with her eating. This is quite recent for her, two or three years I'd say. She can't even go for one day without bread. Anyway, I kinda told her about how I've reverted back to this and how in control I feel. I feel like she is genuinely the only person in the whole world who I can talk to about my disordered eating without any judgment or the whole - let's cure you - attitude. I like being able to talk to her about it. 

Anyway, despite the binge, I'm hoping that it won't set me back too much. I just need to lie in bed and revel in the hunger. It makes me feel powerful and like I'm progressing towards my goals. Didn't hear anything about the job at Visa Europe yet. I really, really want it. I just need an interview. I can do the rest. Man, I want it so badly. The German is back from the Arctic circle. I told him my conditions about continuing this charade. I'm already regretting it though. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

1 comment:

ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

yummmmmmmmm omg tho
they must have been good blueberry muffins x
omg fudge milkshakes fuck me
that sounds like heaven
62.3. why
hmm that is interesting actually
if it's any consolation - that binge doesn't sound as bad as it could've been now, does it? and i'm sure you more than made up for it.
x love you

-Sam Lupin