And then, you won't believe this, she asked me to go with her to the eating disorder clinic, where she took my height and weight. I went ballistic. I was hysterical. I couldn't get on the scale. I felt like a fake. Like I couldn't get on the scale. I was too embarrassed of the enormous number that I knew what going to show on the damn scale. Eventually I stepped on. Sobbing like a little girl. I couldn't look, so I put my hand over my eyes and sobbed. She said I didn't have to look or know what the number was.
And then we went back to the room. Which by the way, was like a police interrogation room, with those mirrors with people on the other side. I really hope there was no one on the other sidewatching me. Judging. Fat piggy. Anyway, so she told me she wants me to see a dietician. She said she isn't going to make me put on weight because she thinks I look fine.
SO HELP ME GOD, I am now going to get down to 55. By the end of next week. She said that anything below a bmi of 20 is underweight. But it is better than being my highest weight which is unhealthy. So she agreed that skinny is better. So now I am restricting. 500 cals a day no more.
Who woulda thought an ED clinic would've made me worse.
Food & Bullshit