Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Eating Disorder MaFucken Clinic - ARE YOU KIDDING!?

My traumatic event of the day was my session with the psychiatrist/ED specialist. And holy balls what an experience. Well let's start off by saying that when I agreed to do this, or rather to see this woman I thought it was just about getting my medication right. I.e. to get my anti anxiety whatever meds right. I mean fuck sakes. I didn't expect it to be a lengthy fucken session about how much I eat or don't. So we started off by talking about why I was there, anxiety - the usual shit. Then she asked me if I knew the other reason I had been referred. I.e. the eating disorder. Anyway, so she actually made me sit there and tell her what I ate today. What I ate yesterday. What is a lot of food. I was so embarrassed - so absolutely ashamed that I had to tell her. I felt like the fattest person in the world. I felt like she was siitting there going 'you're not thin. Definitely no eating disorder there. Go have a fucking cheese burger fat girl. So, I burst into tears. I never expected to be that attached to it. Like I felt like I could still lie my way through it. I don't care about what I eat kinda attitude. I don't need to eat.

And then, you won't believe this, she asked me to go with her to the eating disorder clinic, where she took my height and weight. I went ballistic. I was hysterical. I couldn't get on the scale. I felt like a fake. Like I couldn't get on the scale. I was too embarrassed of the enormous number that I knew what going to show on the damn scale. Eventually I stepped on. Sobbing like a little girl. I couldn't look, so I put my hand over my eyes and sobbed. She said I didn't have to look or know what the number was.

And then we went back to the room. Which by the way, was like a police interrogation room, with those mirrors with people on the other side. I really hope there was no one on the other sidewatching me. Judging. Fat piggy. Anyway, so she told me she wants me to see a dietician. She said she isn't going to make me put on weight because she thinks I look fine. What ever. all that means to me is that now I need to lose weight. She said that I can keep eating very little as long as I do three meals a day. She said it can be three salads if I want, but she isn't going to make me put on weight. So that made me happy.

SO HELP ME GOD, I am now going to get down to 55. By the end of next week. She said that anything below a bmi of 20 is underweight. But it is better than being my highest weight which is unhealthy. So she agreed that skinny is better. So now I am restricting. 500 cals a day no more.

Who woulda thought an ED clinic would've made me worse.

Food & Bullshit
Xo Xo

8 comments:

William said...

Hi Ms. Piggy :)

I'm terribly sorry about what you went through. I can't even imagine how intense and emotional that must've been. :/ Buttt, on the bright side she's not going to go all Nazi on your ass and try and make you put on weight or anything. c: Stay positive and stay strong!

P.S. For an ED specialist she sounds like a fucking idiot. Who in the hell tells someone who has an eating disorder that they don't need to put on weight because they look just fine?!

Nia said...

I can kinda relate, whenever I go see my regular GP, she wants to talk about my issues and shizz, and I'm like "I only wanted you to write me my prescription...I see therapist for my issues..."

Thank fucking god my lovely psychiatrist does it for me now :)

Anyways, hugs, hugs, hugs. It sounds like such a scary day. I ahte to tell people what I eat, I can't even write it down, even if it's tiny, I feel so guilty. She sounds like a really crappy doctor. I tihnk she's an absolute idiot for sayig you look "fine". If any doctor said that to me, that would mean I looked fat.

My doctor knows that I would only be happy if I was skinny to be hospitalised, so she never, ever remarks on my size.

I just want to hug you so bad right now. Hugshugshugs.

❤ ♥ Sam [Misha] Lupin ❥ ❣ said...

gaaaaaaaah. kill her. and eat her. i hate it when sessions like that feel therapeutic in nature. i can't talk to someone that corners me and says 'hey, what's going on with you, Sammy? you've lost all the colour in your face and you fall asleep everywhere'. and they've done that. several times.
oh thank God. i'd have killed her if so.
but then again, we can easily get away with that. 'meals' can even be coffee, or water if we want. it's not like she'll know. *plots* it's what we define as a meal. i easily used to define my iced-coffee as my lunch.
ahahaha.
only you, beautiful.
500kcal. <3
"roses are red,
violets are blue,
fuck that housemate (not literally),
i'm all over you." <3
-George DiCaprio

Judith Marie said...

Oooooh, the people above me have said it all hun!
Honestly, what the FUCK did you just go through. I am so sorry that you had to go through something quite as horrible as that and I'm also rather ashamed that there are health professionals in this world who would treat their patients so badly.

A lot of doctors don't understand eating disorders at all. Like, AT ALL. Eating disorders and self harm, they just revile it as a natural instinct and never stop to think what it means to the person with it. She said absolutely the wrong things to you and I'm so sad to hear that it's made you worse.

However, that being said, we all try to lose weight all the time, so I suppose you wanting to lose more weight is just a step further along the track of where you were headed before.

Feel better soon, and just forget what that bitch said to you. She doesn't know jack shit.

AnaKat6661 said...

Hey angel. Sorry to hear your experience has been so triggering for you. I'm due to see a therapist for the first time this week and I'm all nervous now. My thoughts are with you honey. And she does sound like a royal douche.

Much love,

MK xoxo

Marie said...

I can totally empathize with your experience. I used to have to go see a nutritionist specializing in EDs, and she used to interrogate me and accuse me of lying when I said I ate food that she didn't think I did (granted she was right most of the time but still...). Then, just like you had to step on the scale, I needed to strip down and get weighed EVERY WEEK. Absolutely humiliating. Only advice I have for you is to never listen to a word they tell you; they just try to trick you and play mindgames.

Your clinic lady sounds horrible, and I am so sorry you had to go through that. She is clearly an idiot who knows nothing about disorders. Feel better and try to forget about her!!

By All Means said...

Oh I'm so sorry! That just sounds like an awful experience and you shouldn't have had to go through it. Hope your feeling better now! Take care hun!

Jinx ANA UnRiddled said...

OMG! wtf? I never would have thought they'd say you are actually ALOWED to under eat...
That's really sad.
I haven't been keeping up with your blog lately (nothing personal, I just figured seen these blogs are a trigger I'd avoid them in my temporary-recovery stage...) so reading that you decided to go for treatment? Congrats. You're brave - even if you are still on Ana or Mia's side. I've stood outside my old councellors office for hours, wanting to ask for help... and never doing it.