Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Back again, FINALLY

Thank god, I finally got internet back. Fuck what a miserable month without it.

So updates, my lovely flowers.Well firstly - it is official. I am mentally disordered. I have three health care professionals now that are seeing to my mental health issues weekly. A psychiatrist, a clinical psychologist and an eating disorder specialist. Fucking ED specialist - can you cope? I agreed to see her on condition that she doesn't try make me put on weight. I have told her that once I get to 55kg - I will stop losing weight and eat enough to maintain that weight - BUT I will not put on weight. I reached a new lowest weight ever last week of 58.1kg. And this morning I was 59.1. Which is fine, because I have actually been eating so much. Like easily 1000cals a day. Which is fucking disgusting. But with the help and motivation of my BBM lovelies, I have decided to fast this whole weeekend coming up. I am far too broke to go out this weekend, so I am going to stay home - do yoga and not eat... oh and watch series and sleep. Which is amazing.

Let's see what else... Well I have an interview for a really good job on Friday morning that will pay me a shiton more than my current employment. Which is amazing. Makes me very happy. I also found out today that I got a scholarship to study this year - except I've decided not to, because I need to focus on myself. The context to this decision is that I punched a wall last week and broke my hand. Then I got drunk and cut myself to piece with a blunt knife, so you can only imagine what my stomach looks like. I found out that in the break that my ex and I had he got some girl pregnant with twins. I believe she had the abortion a few days ago. It hurts me to write about it, but it is the context as I have been trying really really hard to not think about it. When I was drunk on Friday, I kicked him in the head with my heel. Tried to jump out of a moving car. And ya, pretty sure they called the cops on me. Ya - as I said. I am crazy.

Nonetheless, then on Saturday I went sailing on a yacht, which was lovely. And I pranced my 18.8 BMI around that boat in a bikini. I felt so self consc ious, but I need to start thinking that I am beautiful according to my therapist. And I knew that they could see my ribs a little and that my thigh gap was evident and proud. So fuck it. I did it. And this gorgeous boy that was on the boat was flirting with me. I felt so good. After a while... Afterwards I went to this party where I met this other guy, who is older (32) and not overly hot, but has a nice body. And we kinda hanky panky'd a little. But it was cute, no sex or anything, because I am no whore. *sigh* I wish it were socially acceptable to be a dirty slut, but alas it is not so. Anyway, I got a message from him on Monday morning saying that he would "dig to see me again". Which is very sweet. There is also another boy in tow. But he just worships me. There is no attraction there. And the thing is I know, all of this is just rebounding from the ex. I need to work on myself.

So that is pretty much the short of it. Thank you for your continued support. I am now going to catch up on all your blogs. If I don't follow yours, please leave a link. :) :)

59 & Strong
Xo Xo


honey said...

Hey :) I have a new blog and it would be great If you check it out.. have a nice day :)

Ell said...

congrats on the new low!!!

Little Miss Thin ♥ said...

I'm officially mentally disordered too so you aren't alone on that. Jealous of the 18.8 BMI and congrats on new low weight :D xx

Nasimiyu said...

congrats on the new low! Julien (my shrink) snuck in a "we have a wonderful ED specialist on staff.." comment last time I saw him but I shut him down.. I'm extremely jealous of your thigh gap!! I cannot wait to get mine back

Judith Marie said...

and WOOP WOOP on the new low! That's amazing. So proud of you! Give yourself a break on the intake. You're obviously still losing weight and that's what matters.
You've had a rough time. And I think it's a good decision to take a year out and sort your stuff out.
Also, yacht? I'm mucho jealous!

Anonymous said...

HAHA!!! awesome, love. Glad you have not change.

Love you, Stay strong.

❤ ♥ Sam [Misha] Lupin ❥ ❣ said...

1,000 calories isn't that bad, love. <3
wowwwzaaa. gaah. i want a new low weight. i'd die for one. gaaaaaaaah.
he did...what?
oh my God. Georgie doesn't approve.
ahahaha. my babe. you're fucking sexy, eh and proud in it, eh?!
and strong you are! :D
-Sam Lupin

AnaKat6661 said...

Hey angel, glad you're back and congrats on the loss :)

My blog is

Feel free to have a read if you like.

Much love, AK xoxo

Atty said...

Lol I totally agree with the dirty slut comment! It would make my life awesome!
And congrats on your low!!! Proud of you!

loveylou said...

a little male attention can be the best motivation ;)
I'm really sorry to hear about all the crazy shit that went down last weekend. Maybe therapy will help? (oh god I cant believe i just typed that, who am i?) but i mean with other issues, while still giving you control about your ED.
either way, all the best love.
i'll be here for support whenever you need me!
love always,

Beth said...

Very glad your back.
I'm not sure whether the specialists are a good thing or a bad thing. I'm sure you will be fine though. And as you know we are all here.
Congrats on the scholarship. Its nice to have options anyway.
Again welcome back. <3