Thank god, I finally got internet back. Fuck what a miserable month without it.
So updates, my lovely flowers.Well firstly - it is official. I am mentally disordered. I have three health care professionals now that are seeing to my mental health issues weekly. A psychiatrist, a clinical psychologist and an eating disorder specialist. Fucking ED specialist - can you cope? I agreed to see her on condition that she doesn't try make me put on weight. I have told her that once I get to 55kg - I will stop losing weight and eat enough to maintain that weight - BUT I will not put on weight. I reached a new lowest weight ever last week of 58.1kg. And this morning I was 59.1. Which is fine, because I have actually been eating so much. Like easily 1000cals a day. Which is fucking disgusting. But with the help and motivation of my BBM lovelies, I have decided to fast this whole weeekend coming up. I am far too broke to go out this weekend, so I am going to stay home - do yoga and not eat... oh and watch series and sleep. Which is amazing.
Let's see what else... Well I have an interview for a really good job on Friday morning that will pay me a shiton more than my current employment. Which is amazing. Makes me very happy. I also found out today that I got a scholarship to study this year - except I've decided not to, because I need to focus on myself. The context to this decision is that I punched a wall last week and broke my hand. Then I got drunk and cut myself to piece with a blunt knife, so you can only imagine what my stomach looks like. I found out that in the break that my ex and I had he got some girl pregnant with twins. I believe she had the abortion a few days ago. It hurts me to write about it, but it is the context as I have been trying really really hard to not think about it. When I was drunk on Friday, I kicked him in the head with my heel. Tried to jump out of a moving car. And ya, pretty sure they called the cops on me. Ya - as I said. I am crazy.
Nonetheless, then on Saturday I went sailing on a yacht, which was lovely. And I pranced my 18.8 BMI around that boat in a bikini. I felt so self consc ious, but I need to start thinking that I am beautiful according to my therapist. And I knew that they could see my ribs a little and that my thigh gap was evident and proud. So fuck it. I did it. And this gorgeous boy that was on the boat was flirting with me. I felt so good. After a while... Afterwards I went to this party where I met this other guy, who is older (32) and not overly hot, but has a nice body. And we kinda hanky panky'd a little. But it was cute, no sex or anything, because I am no whore. *sigh* I wish it were socially acceptable to be a dirty slut, but alas it is not so. Anyway, I got a message from him on Monday morning saying that he would "dig to see me again". Which is very sweet. There is also another boy in tow. But he just worships me. There is no attraction there. And the thing is I know, all of this is just rebounding from the ex. I need to work on myself.
So that is pretty much the short of it. Thank you for your continued support. I am now going to catch up on all your blogs. If I don't follow yours, please leave a link. :) :)
59 & Strong