Tuesday, April 17, 2012

So over it.

Today started off as a good day, but I have ended up in the foulest, grumpiest, sleepiest mood in the world. I have just completed my trial essay for that writing job and I'm sure it was a work of art, but thinking about it. I know nothing about british law, so fuck it. I may fail miserably. I am fully committing myself to job hunting tomorrow. But right now, I am SO sleepy.

Today I have had about 420 cals. I had a biggish bunch of grapes, a pear and some tomato and mexican bean soup (about 200 cals). I'm totally not sure that my fruit is taking up that many calories, but my cal counter says it is, so it must be right. Anyway. I went to the doctor today and they weighed me and I am about 60kg. Which is great. It means that I have lost the fat that I put on just before I came here. And if I can have another two weeks of restricting like this, I should be down to 55kg in no time. Thank fuck.

I need to get a job though so I can buy myself my reward scale. Fuck. Anyway. So the doctor today reviewed my shit, gave me more drugs and then told me that she would like to refer me to yet another ED centre. Fuck me. I refuse to believe that I have a goddamn problem. Yes, okay. I am neurotic about what I eat and my weight etc etc. But I am not going through the whole recovery bullshit wank. There is NOTHING wrong with me. Even that WHORE told me it's better to be my weight than fat. Yes, I am a fattist. WHATEVER mutha fuckers. Fuck. Anyway, I agreed to go anyway, because I do believe that this is part of my treatment to being a better me than I am right now. And also, it is a challenge. Is that sadistic? I see this doctor as being a challenge to be lighter next time I see her. Hopefully in one month I will weigh 55 :D :D - how amazing will that be!? Challenge accepted.

Sorry that this has been so uncoordinated. My brain is fried and I am so fucking tired. And I need to find a fucking job ASAP. Mutha fucker.

Sleep & Tea
Xo Xo


Isobel said...

I don't admit it in 'real' life but I am a HUGE fattist too and I judge everyone for everything. It makes me feel better about being a fuck up on the inside because I take care of my outside. Hope you're doing well sweetheart. xx

Ell said...

I hope you got some rest! and im sorry about the whole job thing I hope you find just the job you are looking for! It must be so exciting and overwhelming to be in a new country and your still losing so that pretty much just means you are...AWESOME! Congrats on the loss, and yea fruit is so screwy, so hard to calculate, and full of sugar.
with love,

Run said...

British Law... I actually think I know much more about American Law!

I keep telling my doctor the same thing in terms of recovery. All I think is fuck him. Maybe not so literally lol. Well... :P But I see it has a challenge to weigh less but the next time I see him, too. I can't see him if the number is higher or the same as last time.

Good luck with the job hunt xx

Bones said...

Job hunting is the bane of my existence. Hang in there, xx