Friday, April 17, 2015

Can I Be Pissed?

I'm not sure if I can be pissed off about this, because it my fault - but I'm still pissed. I went to my doctor today for two reasons - the first is that I think I have some kind of exercise induced asthma - I've had like four attacks while exercising and it is quite literally the scariest thing in the world. Like if it isn't, not being able to breathe causes a panic attack which is kinda the same outcome at the end of the day. Anyway, so that aside. The other thing that I went there for is to go back on prozac - I've been off it for like a year now. And so anyway, I went to get another prescription because I'm not generally feeling okay at the moment. I feel a bit out of control and just shit. The prozac also helped control the binging, but I didn't tell her that part.  So I asked her for it and we chatted for a sec and I literally mentioned that it helps me control my ED (saying I didn't want the anxiety to affect it) and then she was all like 'ohhhhh, we need to speak more about this, can you come in next week' - I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT!! ANYWAY, so I agreed to see her next week, but I start my new job next week so I'm literally going to postpone it for a week or two just like. Whatever. I got the prozac so it's actually all fine now. I'm irritated though, because I am not going through the fucking ringer of having to check in with an ED clinic again every six weeks. Fuck. That. Not to mention the whole process of being publicly weighed - I mean who needs that shit in their lives? So ja, I'm not sure if I'm allowed to be pissed about this, but I am. must. control. it.

In other news, I weighed in at 71.3 this morning which is literally down 1.1kg (2lbs) since yesterday. Maybe I can be sub-70 by Monday? I know a lot of this is just water or carb bloat slim down whatever. I remain optimistic. The plan today is to pretty much do exactly what I did yesterday. I am hoping that I'll have another big loss tomorrow, but it sometimes doesn't happen. I console myself that I'm fat enough at the moment that the first 5kgs should melt off in a couple of weeks. Once I am around 65 again, I will calm down and probably want to leave the house again. 

I am SO NOT interested in being seen in public right now let alone any of my friends. I know they will judge me for being such a tub of goo - Oh look. SOMEONE has let themselves go (i.e. me) - we never noticed how annoying and fat she is (i.e. me) - lets all get hit on while fatty McWhale sits in the corner and sips sugary drinks (i.e. me). Yeah so it's mildly depressing.

I also NEED to study. 

Love & Drugs
Xo Xo


TheBurningBridges Brigade said...

Its crazy how much ED distorts our thinking because more than likely your friends are going to be like "Where is she? I haven't seen her in a while. I hope she's alright" and will just be glad you took the time to see them rather than want to comment on your weight. And even if they do, most people if you politely tell them you'd rather not discuss it, will get the hint and drop it. As far as the clinic weighing you in public, that is freaken ridiculous! Don't they know how triggering that can be! Why would they do that? Ugh I swear sometimes these so called professionals don't have a clue!

Lila said...

Hang in there! I actually just got prescribed an inhaler for mild activity induced asthma. I wanna try and start running, I've never been able to because of the shortness of breath.
Good luck with the doctors I hate when they wanna talk about stuff like that and I agree with the above comment sometimes they don't know what they are talking about

Sar said...

Hey, just dropping by to say THANK YOU KINDLY for the inspiring comment on my blog. I really agree and needed to read that. I appreciate tough love and bluntness.

Hope you're feeling alright today. Stay strong, beautiful.