Wednesday, April 15, 2015

What Hunger Does

I feel like I've lost myself this year... I've kinda got to a point where I feel profoundly lost. The trouble is that for the life of me, I can't figure out why or how?

I am going to say that I've got fat, but it isn't the actual fat that is more awful to me. I used to be trendy and cool with a definite style and as I've gotten fatter, less of my clothes fit me and now I feel like I'm just a fat, pasty frump. As I'm fasting today, I feel a bit confused by how good this feels. I haven't fasted in probably two years. It is so cleansing and instantly gratifying. I feel like I'm doing something to look after my body... the tragedy of course evident. 

I have more money than I actually know what to do with now... So I'm going to start saving money. When did that happen. I'm busy planning a complete overhaul of my warddrobe because I can afford to. When did I care this much about my 'style'? 

I've taken on this exam and failure isn't an option. I should feel good about making this life decision and on the one hand I do, but on the other I feel like I've made a decision about my life - which is more than I can legitimately say I've done in year - exciting and terrifying. 

The thought has been lingering in my mind that I am a complete and utter control freak. The funny thing is that I reflect on my being and see that it is completely true. How have I lived my entire life thinking I'm easy going?

Fast time: 20 hours

Peace & Love 
Xo Xo


Lolita said...

I had that exact same thought when I got fat again. I was living in anything that fit like "where did my dress sense go?" The skinny jeans, the corsets, the adorable dresses...

That was the same period when I ruined my hair and stopped wearing makeup. Definitely felt frumpy and almost like one of the mothers that people stereotype as to having 'let themselves go.' It's a truly strange situation really.

If you can afford to do such things, then definitely go for it! I wish I could do the same but I do have bags of skinny clothes that are pretty much new. That's the same, right? XD


Mandy Devoidde said...

In my opinion, style is very important. Not in the "must be fashionable" sense, but in the sense that it's how we are presenting ourselves, and it's a fundamental tool in feeling good about ourselves.

I wish I could afford a revamp of my closets (soon - maybe next year) I really need a change. So, in my humble opinion, definitely go for it ^-^
It will give you more confidence and everything.

Good luck with your exam :3 And there's nothing wrong with wanting things to go the way you want them too.

Take care lovely
Mandy xx