Thursday, December 17, 2015

CONFESSION! I Am A Demoniser

I am a demoniser. I demonise people. This goes hand in hand with the fact that I am hopelessly cynical and I think everyone is out to fuck me over and that no one really and truly cares. Colbey is leaving for Australia on Saturday morning for three weeks. We aren't serious enough that I will see him on Friday night because he wants to pack and I won't get in the way. But he got a new tattoo in Hammersmith yesterday... and was meant to come round to mine yesterday afterwards. 

In my mind, he's been sketchy with me since Sunday. In my mind, I'm a horrible bitchy person that no one would ever love. In my mind, him not constantly texting me means that he doesn't like me that much. So when it got to 8pm yesterday and I hadn't heard from him. I started losing my shit. I talked myself down though. I told myself that he was ghosting. I told myself that he was just your run of the mill asshole, I told myself that he didn't care. I sent him a message (lying) about turning down plans to see him. It was all I said. He called me back 7 minutes later. Thank FUCK I talked myself out of saying anything else. 

He apologised and said I shouldn't have turned down my fictional plans. I said that I wanted to see him, but if it was too much effort and it was late that he didn't have to come. He said that he was going to see me before he left and that he had planned on coming over then, but that he had only just finished at the tattoo place (he started at 5pm and it was a big tattoo). He said that he would obviously make a plan to see me if not then. I felt like an asshole. I do this so much. SO MUCH, where I jump to the worst possible conclusion and every single time I am proven wrong by Colbey. He is a good guy. He likes me. I need to chill the fuck out. 

After almost a week of bad eating, my weight this morning wasn't terrible. I am going to weigh in tomorrow as my true weight. I am determined to be 67 by the end of the month and I have two weeks to get there. 

I won't see Colbey till the 10th of January and I want to make sure I look good when he gets back. 

Monika and I are no longer friends. She is a fucking psychopath for reasons that I won't get into because frankly it's a relief that she is not in my life anymore and wasting effort on typing it out is just not floating my boat right now. 

ALSO, I don't think I mentioned that I interviewed for a very high profile job... yesterday was my final interview and... I got it. I am officially managing billionaires from the beginning of January. Well subject to the contract. I will tell you all a bit more it when it's more final. 

Are you a demoniser?

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

1 comment:

Me Destruit said...

Hey! It's been a while..

I absolutely am a demoniser, but then I have Borderline Personality Disorder... It's a classic trait, as we can't trust, because if we do, we'll be let down and hurt again. I'm glad that you didn't go off on him though.. I have that problem, if I think that somebody should be paying me all of their attention and if they're not, then they don't like or Iove me. I hate it, because it's clearly not the case, I've messaged people over and over and come across as a deranged stalker, I'm sure. I've also made up fake cancelled plans, when someone bails on me, lol. Oy vey.
Thankfully I just started therapy to learn how to self regulate and all that fun stuff. I'm hoping it can teach me how to act and react somewhat normal :/

Glad you got things resolved in the end xoxo