I had a fight with Monika today. Again. And hear me when I say, that this is the end of the road for her and I. She's horrible, bitter and mean. The worst thing is that she is a close friend who I have watched become gradually more pessimistic and mean towards her life. Today, I cracked. You know the people who - when you ask them to do something with you, there is always a condition attached? Like - yes, I'll go, but XYZ. So she's been doing that recently. And I tried to tell her why I would prefer her to just say no rather than give me a condition. That it makes me feel small and unimportant when she does that. I think she thinks it was funny. So yeah, screw her.
I am also feeling exceptionally insecure about Colbey - you know when you're like - there is no way a man like that could like a girl like me. He's definitely going to get rid of me soon.
The thing is. Everyone is self-serving. You can't trust anyone. Everyone will desert you in the end. The thing that I hate the most about my family is that they contribute nothing to my life. I have no home, nothing to go home to - they haven't given me any support in years. I guess, I haven't given them any support either. I don't have a family home that I can go back to at Christmas, no bedroom filled with memories of my teenage years. No parents or family that I have memories with. My family have all moved on and it's sad. I am a cloud floating around in the world. I think it's over with my family and I. I have no one to pick me up when I fall. I am literally an island. Alone in this world with no one to hold me up.
All of my friends use me as entertainment. I am loud Keran. The loud one who gets too drunk and who makes all the jokes. Colbey will leave me too eventually. I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't form long term bonds with people. Maybe it is my insecurities that are the problem. It's bad vibes that I'm putting out into the universe and my expectations are being met with reality. The reality that nothing lasts and I have nothing.
Maybe, I am doomed to be alone.
Loneliness & Peace