Thursday, December 1, 2011
Fuckety Fuck
Not great news I'm afraid, my liver isn't responding to the medication they use to stop the paracetemol from binge-fest 2011 on my liver so if my enzymes (ALT - for Judith) don't come down in the next 36 hours I will go into acute liver failure and need a transplant... Or die. I'm doing okay though despite this news, I'm not sure if its because I think I will be fine or because I genuinely think I can handle it. All I know is that I need to be fighting fit for graduation on the 17th. I probably won't be able to drink ever again. But again, this is the choice I've made.
I was soooo sick yesterday - super nauseous and light headed. Had a crazy fever too. My temperature was yo-yoing between 35 and 37C the whole day. I forced myself to eat half a sandwich and a nectarine... Oh and a grape. Still feel like I'm putting on muchos weight. I'm just worried that if my liver gets fuck fucked up then my metabolism won't work and I will get fat no matter how much I starve. Today I feel good though - not feverish and I actually feel hungry. Which is fantastic. So I'm thinking that this must be a good sign and hopefully my blood tests agree with me. I really don't want a transplant if I can help it.
I made the boy cry. The ex-boy. He says he is angry and feels like a coward. Despite all of this I still wish he'd love me. I need perspective. Tonight is Dead Mau5 in Cape Town. I wish I could go. :( I would totally lose my tits! Wow. So bleak. I don't blame anyone for this because I hurt myself like this, I took the pills - but he made me feel this way. He drove me to it. But that is unfair to say. Unfair to put on him. I don't know how to explain. Its like it is his fault, but not. But I can't blame him because no one needs the guilt of having to know that they drove someone to such lengths.
Thank you for all the amazing support. I'm expecting a full diagnostic report from Judith Marie and another love letter from my George. :) I can't wait to get out so I can start catching up with everyone else. Feel like I haven't spoken to my friends in ages.
Love & Liver
Xo Xo
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16 comments:
I have full faith in you that you can pull through this!! I'm really hoping that you'll get better!
As for the ex...if he doesn't love you then he shouldn't be feeling that way. I'd say smack him up-side the head for being a puss..In my experience, boys will run from what they feel. So, ya. I think he's a puss. You don't need him nor ever will. I know feelings are hard, but you can trust me when I say that they will get better!
All the hope to you and you're liver! I know you can do this :)
I'll keep you in my thoughts girl! We all know how strong you are :). Feel better soon tho!
Good luck to you and your liver! Hunger is good, your metabolism is still working so yay! Also, I just love deadmau5...
Oh god I'm so sorry. Try and stay positive though, even if that seems impossible.
<3
Stay syrong girl! I'll pray for you tonight when I light the advent candle <3
please please be ok.
thinking of you hun
xx
Im praying for you, STAY STRONG. Have faith, you will get well. lots of love , xxxxx <3
I'm so glad you are okay. I've been reading all your posts to make sure that you are alright and everything. I've just been unable to comment, bloody phone.
I hope they can sort out that issue with your liver, it sounds like a tricky situation.
The power some people have over us is horrible sometimes. All we want is their approval and their love and it hurts like a mofo bitch when we don't get it. IT's like a craving and it's so difficult to ignore them and not force their atttention.
I had to sell my deadmau ticket due to lack of funds *sad face*.
Yay on getting your LLB, we can open a legal practice together ;)
I hope you get better and like I said before, if you need anything at all, email me at superfrodos@yahoo.co.uk :)
And yes my email is totally weird and a uk address but I desperately needed an extra email address and that's the first one I came up with. And it means nothing to me in fact. haha feel free to judge me.
much love my darling
xxxx
I'm so glad you are okay. I've been reading all your posts to make sure that you are alright and everything. I've just been unable to comment, bloody phone.
I hope they can sort out that issue with your liver, it sounds like a tricky situation.
The power some people have over us is horrible sometimes. All we want is their approval and their love and it hurts like a mofo bitch when we don't get it. IT's like a craving and it's so difficult to ignore them and not force their atttention.
I had to sell my deadmau ticket due to lack of funds *sad face*.
Yay on getting your LLB, we can open a legal practice together ;)
I hope you get better and like I said before, if you need anything at all, email me at superfrodos@yahoo.co.uk :)
And yes my email is totally weird and a uk address but I desperately needed an extra email address and that's the first one I came up with. And it means nothing to me in fact. haha feel free to judge me.
much love my darling
xxxx
Ms. Piggy
I've missed you so. </3 And I'm so sad to see you've been doing poorly. I can only hope you'll make a full recovery and get back to corresponding with me. Selfish I know, but I want you here. ;) I'll of course catch up with your blog as soon as possible and comment on everything accordingly. :) Until then...
Always yours, William
stay strong lovely, and get well soon! i'm thinking of you, xo.
:( your liver! GAHHH. you can always have mine if you want!
gahh. i don't think that's possible. even so, you'll pull through love! and you will NOT be fat.
i hope your blood tests are okay! i worry, love.
GEORGIE LOVES YOU, SEXY xo xo xo xo <3 -George
</3
love an d liver, sweetie.
-Sam George Of All Georges Lupin
PS. sorry for shortness of this comment. i'm literally forcing myself to stay up. and it's 4PM and i'm falling asleep writing this.
I hope you're going to be ok dear. Please just try and follow the directions of the doctors and nurses and don't do anything else damaging to your body.
As for this ex-bf. I certainly don't want to be on his side, since he doesn't sound like the most stand-up guy, but you are right in not putting this on him. All of our psych issues are ultimately on ourselves. No one can actually cause you to do something or act a certain way - even when it feels out of control, it's your choice. I just hope you get better soon and can move on from this and continue with your law career.
good luck darling!
Alright my Beautiful Lady,
Here's how I feel about your current diagnostic situation. Which is hard, because I'm not actually there.
First. Yes, you are in acute liver failure, but you know that already and that is what gets people killed by paracetamol. And yes, ALT is one of the 4 enzymes produced by the liver. ALT signifies acute hepatitis rather than chronic. But you know that already as well, as if you'd have chronic liver failure.
Hun, I don't know if you will be fighting fit by the 17th. You don't sound that good right now at all. What ward are you on? Are you being looked after by the general medical or general surgical team? Or a specialist team?
Do you know what your clotting factors are doing? Especially prothrombin ratio. In other words, has anyone told you that your blood will clot slower than usual? Because the liver produces the things that clots your blood.
About 40% of people recover from acute liver failure. And in a strange way, the best prognosis is reserved for those who rapidly deteriorate into encephalopathy. Encephalopathy is when your liver is struggling so much, and so much failing to do what it's normal job is that it affects your brain and so you enter this state of confusion.
I'm going to say that since you clearly remain very lucid, you're not going to be in that group. Also, don't worry about getting fat. It just won't happen. EVERYONE loses weight in hospital. Especially when they're that sick. And trust me, I've seen the liver ward, it's like the walking stick ward, seriously. Liver failure takes a shitload out of you. So my advice would be this. Just eat, eat as much as you can. You can lose the weight when you are better.
But right now, you gotta give your liver a chance. Because the liver has an amazing ability to regenerate itself. Given time, it will regrow healthy liver cells at an amazing speed. And that's how the liver recovers. However, if you are not eating enough and not providing it with enough building material to build the new, fully functional liver, then you won't get better. I've simplified it, but that is essentially the be all and end all.
Yes, if you liver does not recover, you will need a transplant. And, given how young you are, and how much you have to contribute, I'd say you would be high priority liver transplant too.
So here's my advice. Eat your heart out honey. I don't often tell people that. And you know, after reading my blog and my comments on your blog that I've always supported weight loss and fasting and restricting. But I'm also a doctor and right now, there is something MUCH more important than weight loss.
Eat as much as you can. Thin people always have a much worse health outcome than fat people. And I'm serious. They do worse when they're sick, they do worse in operations...because they have no fat reserve to cling onto in these times of need. Like I said, everyone loses fat in hospital whether they try to or not.
I'm not trying to fatten you up. I doubt you'd gain more than a pound even if you did eat all the food put in front of you. But I really think you should eat all of it. Give your liver something to work with. How is it going to rebuild itself if you don't give it something to build with? Also, even if you do need a transplant, then the eating now will be an early start in optimising your condition to go for what is big operation. Either way hun, eating will definitely help you recover, regardless of what happens.
When you're out of hospital and all better, then you can think about how to continue losing weight, but for now, I'd definitely urge you to try to ditch that mindset. And I'll support you each step of the way.
Please think about what I've said. Let me know what else you want to know.
Much love and liver to you,
Judith Marie.
I pray for you Piggy. Please make it through this.
I don't really have anything else to add.
I love you Piggy, I love your blog, your writing stile, you're wonderful comments. I would be so sad to lose you. Really.
Sending you much love, all the strenght posible, all the best wishes!
Stay strong lovely <3
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