Tuesday, November 27, 2012

1 Year Ago

1 Year ago today I tried to kill myself. And my thoughts today have been sad and plagued by my ex. Its so hard to miss him sometimes because i hate him and most days I don't miss him at all, but today I miss him. I dreamt about him this morning... and I dreamt that I met his fiancee and that she was fucking gorgeous. Everything I'm not. For those that don't know, a year ago I downed a bottle of pills and I guess that it was the beginning of the end. For him and I because it began the cycle of break up make up. I hate him so much, but I miss my friend. And even sadder than dreaming about him, because people get over people, I dreamt about my Roo bear - which was our cat, the cat that I left with him in Cape Town, because i thought that he needed my babiest bear more than I did. I miss my baby bear though, what an amazing cat. Anyway, so today I am sad and weepy. Days like today, I wish that I had never left Cape Town. Days like today I just want to crawl under a rock and die. Days like today, I wish I had Roy to cuddle me and keep me safe. He is the only person that ever made me feel safe from the world. Like I could get through all of this craziness that goes on in my head. The tragedy of course, is that I won't ever be able to forgive him. Ever. I wish I could have him cut out of my head. "You did this. Its your fault. Oh my god I'm losing it, get a grip Marshall". I am losing it. I still want to die every single day. If my life is not different in 1 year from today. I am going to do it properly. That is my promise to myself. I'm not going to be a tragedy. I refuse.

That aside, I have had about 180 calories today which has consisted of three cups of tea and two pears. Who knew that pears were so fucking high in calories. Tomorrow, I will be happier and go back to being strong. Coco is going to keep me upright. But today, today I reflect on the fact that I lost my soulmate, tried to kill myself and 1 year later, I am just as miserable as I was on that sunday sitting on my couch. I wish he was here. I wish he could be here without saying anything and just hold me. Fat Piggy falling apart today. 1 year, and just as sad.

Sadness & Tragedy
Xo Xo


Skylar Rainn said...

You've come so far in a year and you just have to keep moving forward. It's tough looking back on all the 'what ifs' and 'i miss him, but i hate him but i miss him' ... time heals apparently, but it sure doesn't do it in a hurry...

**Lara** said...

really sad post :(( but I think you should let it out be sad and be mad or whatever, don't keep it in yourself...I started blogging this summer after I read your blog and many posts and it helped me a lot, so one good deed for you...and I'm sure your blog helped a lot of sad people..because you're such a strong person, I know your strength and motivation for life will be back soon...

That Girl said...

Keep your head high hun.. We are a lot of people who cares about you. Killing yourself is horrible and do not ever act on it again. We are here for you and I know things are rough .. Trust me, I know. But keep your head high <3

Anonymous said...

Everybody falls down sometimes, and if it feels like your hole is deeper than everyone else's then that just proves how much stronger you are to climb out again.Crazy as it sounds Eminem makes me feel better when I feel sad. And you have come so far, learnt so much in that 1 year.
Well done for today hun xx

Katie Elizabeth said...

I'm sorry that you don't feel better after a year. Somedays are just hard. I understand. But remember all the people who love and support you on here. Stay strong my dear.

The Lovely Bones said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down, but I'm so glad you didn't die a year ago.
Think of everything you've achieved in this past year, all the things you've done and all the people you've met.
You are so wonderful, keep fighting. You have SO much to live for.

TinyRose said...

I'm in the same spot as you. It has nearly been a year since I attempted to kill myself with car exhaust in the garage. Nearly a year since my ex left me, and still I can't say that I don't miss him, because in fact, I miss him very much. He visits me in my dreams when I try to forget him.
I thought a year would change things for me too. But it still feels the same. I'm still terribly depressed, still terribly sad.
I guess that we need to hold on longer, and hope for the best. But I think the truth is, that time won't heal everything on its own. We have to fight for ourselves.
You got this, you can do this.
Wishing you brighter days ahead, this will pass.

ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

-grabs onto you forever-
your ex was a motherfucking cunt that needed a dildo shoved up his rectum okai
awwwe dreams are creepy because i just had a creepy one yesterday
dont be a tragedy babe you are a catch and a dream and all thats in between <3
you know i still want to destroy Roy so
theres a reason why destROY has a Roy in it

-Sam Lupin

Emily Anonymous said...

I'm glad you didn't kill yourself last year. And I hope you won't this year or any other year. Even if things have only been awful this past year, there's only one way to go- up. And you've proven that you're strong and you can change things for yourself. You can do it!
Also, 90 cal seems reasonable for a pear. I mean, apples are basically the same size and they're about 100.

Little Miss Thin ♥ said...

I'm really glad you didn't kill yourself although I'm really sad you still feel sad. <3 I nominated you for a blog award over on my blog xx

loveylou said...

You have been nominated for the Liebster Blog Award! <3
Hope this cheers you up love! :)
love always,

yours said...

Stay strong, beautiful. Your life is worth living - I promise. Don't let anything drag you down so low again.
This past weekend, I mourned the 3-year anniversary of a dear friend's suicide. I'm glad you've made it through and I hope you'll slowly pull yourself completely from the darkness.
My hopes and thoughts are with you through the distance of this earth.

Anonymous said...

I've had several brushes with death, apparently I wouldn't make a very good assasin:P I'm in a better place now, I don't hate myself the way I did then. I totaly understand the dreaming about an ex thing. My ex DESTROYED me, but I'm over it, I've moved on...until I dream about him. The "i miss what we had" feelings pass within a few minutes of waking but it still sucks. I hope you start feeling better!!

NeoHippie said...

Hey. Just wanted to let you know I nominated you for a liebster award!

Dynamic_Online_Marketing said...

I fucking hate Hollywood, and the whole entertainment business that made you this way. All these fucking models that are sooo skinny they look like they were born in Ethiopia. You brain is now sick and diseased because those fucking goooooooooofs in Hollywood made you think that you are fat. God bless you. The whole world, all 7 billion of us, could look you in the eye and say you are beautiful, and you still wouldn't believe us. FUCK YOU HOLLYWOOD.