1 Year ago today I tried to kill myself. And my thoughts today have been sad and plagued by my ex. Its so hard to miss him sometimes because i hate him and most days I don't miss him at all, but today I miss him. I dreamt about him this morning... and I dreamt that I met his fiancee and that she was fucking gorgeous. Everything I'm not. For those that don't know, a year ago I downed a bottle of pills and I guess that it was the beginning of the end. For him and I because it began the cycle of break up make up. I hate him so much, but I miss my friend. And even sadder than dreaming about him, because people get over people, I dreamt about my Roo bear - which was our cat, the cat that I left with him in Cape Town, because i thought that he needed my babiest bear more than I did. I miss my baby bear though, what an amazing cat. Anyway, so today I am sad and weepy. Days like today, I wish that I had never left Cape Town. Days like today I just want to crawl under a rock and die. Days like today, I wish I had Roy to cuddle me and keep me safe. He is the only person that ever made me feel safe from the world. Like I could get through all of this craziness that goes on in my head. The tragedy of course, is that I won't ever be able to forgive him. Ever. I wish I could have him cut out of my head. "You did this. Its your fault. Oh my god I'm losing it, get a grip Marshall". I am losing it. I still want to die every single day. If my life is not different in 1 year from today. I am going to do it properly. That is my promise to myself. I'm not going to be a tragedy. I refuse.
That aside, I have had about 180 calories today which has consisted of three cups of tea and two pears. Who knew that pears were so fucking high in calories. Tomorrow, I will be happier and go back to being strong. Coco is going to keep me upright. But today, today I reflect on the fact that I lost my soulmate, tried to kill myself and 1 year later, I am just as miserable as I was on that sunday sitting on my couch. I wish he was here. I wish he could be here without saying anything and just hold me. Fat Piggy falling apart today. 1 year, and just as sad.
Sadness & Tragedy