I was sitting thinking at sparrows this morning about the lies that I tell on a constant basis... Let me back up though. There is this friend from home who is a masters grad engineering lecturer and he is hot as fuck. And he is a nice guy. We get along very well and all things considered, we are the same person. Narcissism be damned, but I have such an 'if only' crush on him. ANYWAY, the point is that we share our mutual misery for life and our heartbroken sorrows with one another. Last weekend however I was happily texting away and he told me he was with a girl. As in, he is seeing someone now. And that was the last I spoke to him. He has texted me since then, but I have just not replied. And the reason being, besides a bit of latent jealousy is that I am just not happy for him and I don't want to have to be forced to say the words 'I'm happy for you'. BECAUSE I'M NOT. I'm not happy for a friend who just had a baby (even though I hate babies GROSS), I'm not happy for my sister planning her wedding, I'm not happy for my couple friends and all their awesome christmasy bullshit. I'm just not happy. The only people that I am happy for are the friends that I have that have recently had their hearts broken. I want to talk to them. The rest can go get fucked as far as I'm concerned.
The bullshit thing of course is that we tell these lies all the time. Just because I don't speak to these people often, doesn't mean I don't fake happiness with regards to wedding planning - my sister and friend. I stay involved and I hate it. I want everyone to be as miserable as I am. I have a little notebook and since the split with my ex, I have filled it with letters to him. Things that I want to say to him, but I can't. And I tell myself that I hate him all the time. But sometimes I still miss him, he was my best friend. And last night was another letter to him telling him about this cat that I saw and how it reminded me of this one cat we saw with a friend that was like a ball of fur. ANYWAY. I can't exactly remember what the point of this post was, but it just does really suck that we are forced to constantly lie. CONSTANTLY for the sake of being proper. I'm not a happy person, I am jealous and envious and awful most of the time. And my reaction to the lies in my life was to move across the world. Oh ja, p.s. any australians wanna marry me for a passport?
In other news, today is the fruit fast, will update later to let you know how this goes :) But so far, so good. And I'll reveal my weight tomorrow, but I think it's looking good. NOT great. But better.
Love & Lies