Man, I've got two awesome things that I want to write about, but I'm SO exhausted (because I couldn't sleep last night and ended up getting about 2h30min of sleep). Fuck. I'll just go for the one right now, tomorrow is another day. Codependency recently came up in Katie Elizabeths blog and it is something which I've been thinking about quite a bit lately, because I always thought that it only applied to relationships... like. Romantic. Relationships. You know - where you are incapable of being independent of the other person... like I was with Roy. Anyway, I have however come to realise that this is not the case and in fact, codependence is a hopeless need to satisfy the needs of others or relying on their feelings to validate yourself. So needing everyone to like you or approve of you... I used to be like this. Hell, I suppose to some extent I still am, but it is not so much approve these days as I want people to be jealous of me. To want what I have. I want them to want my job and my life, my looks, my weight. I mean - that is the driving force behind my ED. They don't need to know how sad and miserable my life is or how I'm completely afraid of getting vaguely close to any single person, boyfriend or otherwise just in case they realise how NOT-glamourous my life really is. I dunno... it's been on my mind. Do I want people to like me? I think I've come to a point in my life, where I believe my own lie. I believe that my life is awesome and that I am awesome, therefore FUCK YOU ALL. How can someone be so arrogant, yet so insecure at the same time? Any psychologists in the house?
In other news, I ate a whole punnet of grapes before I went to sleep last night bringing my total yesterday to over 1000. In a shocking turn of events, I still lost 0.9kg which means I weighed in at 63.5 this morning.
I CAN FUCKING FEEL 60, I CAN FEEL IT! I almost feel like this is a true weight though. Like you know when you drop weight quite quickly, all it takes is one binge to take you up 3kgs. I feel like this is the opposite, like I've actually LOST the weight as opposed to just emptying out my body. It feels good either way. My legs are looking thinner, my collarbones are popping nicely. I had... somewhere in the region of 650 today. I'm actually sure that it isn't that much, but just to be safe. It was a Starbucks grande sugarfree hazelnut soy latte (148) and chickpea curry for dinner (consisting of half a can of chickpeas, 80g raw mushrooms, and prolly about 100 cals worth of tomato pieces, paste and sauce). I'm sure it was less than 500, but just to be safe. I wonder if I'll be in the 62's tomorrow? God, the 62's. It has been FAR. TOO. Long. When I see my friends again (I haven't seen them since Christmas, because I've been broke and exhausted) - they are going to SHIT BRICKS!
Peace & Love