Monday, January 13, 2014

FML.

Just FML. You guys are going to be angry with me, well... no that's a lie. I suppose I say that because it makes me like there is someone to whom I am accountable. I am accountable to no one. I never thought I'd say it, but this whole 'Piggy against the world' thing that I've been doing for the last five years is really starting to get old. I would really like someone to actually just take care of me. I've alienated everyone. Anyway, on the pretense of 'OhMyGod you guys are going to be so angry with me!' I did something. I contacted Roy and we have arranged to have a chat. I don't know what I was thinking, but I don't know. I feel like he can't hurt me anymore and despite all of my better judgment, I WANT to talk to him. It's almost like I don't associate him with him back then or what happened and now I just need to. Well, I'm saying that, but he wanted to talk this morning and I fobbed him off... Not quite, I was really busy at work and had a super long day, but I couldn't deal with it, because what if it upsets me. What if he can't understand that what he did was fucked up, wrong and just not the way that you treat people. I dunno, I think I've lost my nerve. I don't know. I have also come to realise that the man that I loved doesn't exist anymore and even just texting him, I was like. This isn't THAT man. I dunno...

I also seriously fucked up this weekend and binged all of Saturday and Sunday. What happened was that I had my 600 cals or whatever on Friday and then I weighed on Saturday and I fucking gained!! Can you cope!? I weighed 64.2 (after being 63.9 the night before), so I was pissed and I ate and ate. Obviously, I didn't weigh this morning. Today I have had about... 400 cals I think. I can't think if it is more, because all it was was a small plate of oven chips with tomato sauce (i.e. South African ketchup - it's the best). I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll be somewhere in the 64's. 

Working Like A Dog & Broke As Fuck
Xo Xo

3 comments:

Nina Hunter Grey said...

Yeah, I'm livid at you.

Or, you know, not.

Boys make us make dumb-ass decisions.

ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

WHY DID YOU CONTACT THE EVIL *BANG HEAD ON LAPTOP* WHY

i wouldn't cope knowing i had 1200 calories a day and gained weight. forget 600. and fuuuuuck. the weekend binging.

that's the motto. do good all week then binge away all progress.
it's so difficult. it's like the minute it's the weekend WAIT. I HAVE TIME TO EAT NOW. and then it's constant eating bc you don't know what to do with the day. whyyyyyyyyyyyyy

or you know, socialising. which i don't do. whatevs, man.


-Sam Lupin/George DiCaprio

Ashley Nichole said...

Awe, I'm so sorry the love is deep.

It is hard to kill something that isn't dead!!!

Killing takes skill... and I wish you the best strength in the world to make a decision about this boy.

I've been in a burning bridges and binging on food and wine mood lately... Not that those kinds of things ever helped or hurt anyone!!!!