Saturday, June 16, 2012

Useless shit coming your way

Fuck it. I am tired and mutha fucken miserable. It has to do with two things. Firstly, I have my period, no big surprises there, although I kinda assumed that because I started on this new progesterone pill thing that I would stop getting them entirely, but wha'evs. Secondly, I ordered this really beautiful black lace corset in a UK size 8 (US size 4) and it fucking doesn't fit. I fit into everything else in an 8 (around the waist which is kinda fucked because I can fit into a UK size 6 jeans, even a 4 - but I have no waist - seriously, I'm shaped like a boy), and it arrived about a week ago but I hadn't tried it on yet, so I did last night and it doesn't fucking zip up even. Now, I know that corsets are supposed to be super tight, but fuck me. I weighed in at 59 this morning, so I have only put on 1kg, why am I so fucking enormous and fat. FUCK. So with this friends birthday party coming up I need to fit into it by then. So 500 a day. I am going to concentrate on not binging. That is my biggest priority at the moment, because I am scared after my binge week - where I consumed easily 5000 cals a day, a proper mia binge. Except, I'm too weak to purge. So fuck it. That's where all this nasty fat comes from. Fat, ugly, miserable, useless, worthless, unloveable piggy. Just a fat little piggy.

The boy is having some health issues at the moment which means that he's been super stressed and I have been trying to be strong for him, which is tough because as usual I feel so insecure about us, but I am passed asking for reassurance. I am just trying to get over my insecurity, but I have been biting my tongue when having an issue, because this is a fairly serious health issue so we are waiting for the test. Part of me wants to pack it up and go back to Cape Town, but I just can't. I just wish he would come here. And let that be that. However, saying this, he was super fantastic tonight, because I had a little meltdown about how fat I am and I know he doesn't understand this ED stuff, but I have stopped lying about it, I'm so sick of lying about it. So now I am just honest, he has this blog URL so he can read it whenever he wants and I talk about this blog and all my followers... To him. And I think he understands more about the kind of support that I get here, that we get from each other. It's nice to not have to lie. That's fo' sho'. I just wish I was thin. *cry* - one day. One day. My current challenge is just to make it through tomorrow, i.e. today without eating more than 500. I'm sure I can do it. I hope I can. My self-control has been so weak lately... *cry*

Sadness & Sighs
Xo Xo


WinterA said...

Awwww I am so sorry to hear that. I want to wear a corset so badly but I don't think my husband would want me to. I am confused too as to why it did not fit. I can picture you in the corset and I am sad it didn't fit.

You are not a fat piggy. You came a long way from being a fat piggy. You are total control and you will show your body who is boss tomorrow and from now on.

Sorry about the boy. I hope he is alright. Tell him I hope he feels better and that everything will be okay.

That is good you do not lie. I believe people are honored more if they tell the truth.

The Lovely Bones said...

I hope he's test results are good.
You're not fat. A size 8 isn't fat at all, I can't even do up size 8 jeans. You'll easily be able to fit into it before the party. Good luck darling.

Butterfly Unfolding said...

I wore a corsst for hallowe'en, and The Dreaded Ex couldn't keep his eyes, or his hands off me. Instead of making me feel sexy it just made me think, "Oh... so you like me better pulled in and trussed up like a joint of ham? Not being able to breathe is sexy? Fuck, I must usually look revolting to you."

I hate looking at myself.


Judith Marie said...

Hey pretty lady,

Re: the corset. I have a friend who somewhat seems to specialise in these and I have several myself. Are you sure that it's not zipping up because of the structure of your rib cage? It might have nothing to do with your size but your bone structure, especially since you got a zip up one instead of a lace up one.
For example, I'm clearly thinner than her, and weigh much less but (depending on brand) we can fit the same size corset because she has much more of a waist than me. My ribcage tends to be more square and my lower ribs stick out more and my boobs are ridiculously big so the corset won't zip up, even if it isn't tight at all across my abdomen.

That's one advantage of the lace up one over the zip up one. But the lace up ones tend to be more expensive, and I'm sure you'd fit UK8 in a lace up one because you can shape those around your bone structure. They are hell on earth to try and lace up yourself though. That's their downfall. You'd really need a maid to help you. If only we all had maids. First world problems.

What sort of health problems does the boy have? You don't have to tell me, but it peaked my interest and I'm being nosey!

Don't be so hard on yourself pretty lady, stupid zip up corsets are no measure of anything. You can totally stick to your plan! Go for it!