Fuck it. I am tired and mutha fucken miserable. It has to do with two things. Firstly, I have my period, no big surprises there, although I kinda assumed that because I started on this new progesterone pill thing that I would stop getting them entirely, but wha'evs. Secondly, I ordered this really beautiful black lace corset in a UK size 8 (US size 4) and it fucking doesn't fit. I fit into everything else in an 8 (around the waist which is kinda fucked because I can fit into a UK size 6 jeans, even a 4 - but I have no waist - seriously, I'm shaped like a boy), and it arrived about a week ago but I hadn't tried it on yet, so I did last night and it doesn't fucking zip up even. Now, I know that corsets are supposed to be super tight, but fuck me. I weighed in at 59 this morning, so I have only put on 1kg, why am I so fucking enormous and fat. FUCK. So with this friends birthday party coming up I need to fit into it by then. So 500 a day. I am going to concentrate on not binging. That is my biggest priority at the moment, because I am scared after my binge week - where I consumed easily 5000 cals a day, a proper mia binge. Except, I'm too weak to purge. So fuck it. That's where all this nasty fat comes from. Fat, ugly, miserable, useless, worthless, unloveable piggy. Just a fat little piggy.
The boy is having some health issues at the moment which means that he's been super stressed and I have been trying to be strong for him, which is tough because as usual I feel so insecure about us, but I am passed asking for reassurance. I am just trying to get over my insecurity, but I have been biting my tongue when having an issue, because this is a fairly serious health issue so we are waiting for the test. Part of me wants to pack it up and go back to Cape Town, but I just can't. I just wish he would come here. And let that be that. However, saying this, he was super fantastic tonight, because I had a little meltdown about how fat I am and I know he doesn't understand this ED stuff, but I have stopped lying about it, I'm so sick of lying about it. So now I am just honest, he has this blog URL so he can read it whenever he wants and I talk about this blog and all my followers... To him. And I think he understands more about the kind of support that I get here, that we get from each other. It's nice to not have to lie. That's fo' sho'. I just wish I was thin. *cry* - one day. One day. My current challenge is just to make it through tomorrow, i.e. today without eating more than 500. I'm sure I can do it. I hope I can. My self-control has been so weak lately... *cry*
Sadness & Sighs