Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Defeated, Fat & Miserable

My little piglets, I just want to die. I'm so sad at the moment. Sad and fat and miserable. I have been "binging" pretty much since Saturday. It's so disgusting. I am disgusting. I went out on Saturday night and I met the nicest boy who was trying SO hard to get my phone number. And let me tell you. He was fucking GORGEOUS! Like so many kinds of gorgeous, that gorgeous doesn't even begin to cover how cute this boy was. But guess what - I ended up crying to him about how much I miss my boy and how much I couldn't wait to see him in August. What a fail I am. I keep thinking I am okay with us breaking up, but all I do is go through cycles of fine and not fine. Anyway, so yes. Been a-binging. Fucking fat ugly useless miserable horrible rude obnoxious disgusting repulsive stupid shallow pudgy fucking ugly ugly ugly FAT fucking piggy. I hate myself. I want to cut. I want to cut so so badly. I just want to cut. :( And as for the boy - nope, he hates me. He doesn't want to be with me. How can I blame him? I am depressed all the time, I am useless, fat and ugly. I wouldn't want to be with me. He probably has another girlfriend at home, just waiting till he feels like breaking up with me. Then he will delete me from his life. Why wouldn't he. I would. I just want my kitten, my cat always makes me feel better, but now my cat is his cat. So I don't even have that. I have nothing. In this world, I am all alone. I thought I could trust him, but I can't. He hates me. He resents me. All I want is to give him happiness in anyway that I can. Why can't someone want to give me that? Well, I guess it is fairly obvious. Look at me. I should just lock myself up in my flat and just die there. No one would know. No one would care. Would he cry? I don't think so. I think he'd be relieved to be rid of me. No one cares. And most of all he doesn't care.

Sorry about the long emo rant. I'm just so tired of trying to be positive. I move into my flat tomorrow, so I've been shopping for all my goodies. I bought a kettle. What. A. Grown. Up. *cry*

Tears & Blood
Xo Xo

11 comments:

Whymsie said...

I'm so sorry to hear you feel the way you do, but things will get better, I promise. Just hang in there and try to stay strong. The world is a better place for you being in it. I know it's hard but try to look up, and be kind to yourself. Best of luck.

Katie Elizabeth said...

You're not completely alone sweetheart. You have all of us behind you and supporting you. Things will get easier with everything going on with the boy. And maybe when your next opportunity arrises with a new guy, you will be confident enough to take it. Stay strong and beautiful sweetheart.
XOXO

WinterA said...

Awwwww *hugs* yeah I am not use to be sad.

As for the boy the heart wants what the heart wants. It wants this boy and no one else. it's okay to be fine with breaking up and then not okay. Me and hubby was like threw our 6 years of dating before we realized we were meant for each other and we were not going anywhere.

You will come off of this binge and get back on target and everything is going to be fine. I am sure it was just an emotional binge and that is okay. Had one myself the other day.

I hope you feel better( cute guy wanted your number, had two guys at that photo shoot try to pick you up. You are hot stuff lady! )

Anonymous said...

No darling. You arebeautiful.. I never saw ur pic but i really care bout u... I love you so much.... Everyday im reading your page...

Charl said...

Don't worry about him, there'll be plenty of others. And as for the bingeing, there's always tomorrow, and you can get back on target. Stay strong, C xx

Miranda said...

He doesn't deserve you!! When you meet the person you are supposed to be with there will not be all this drama and crap. You don't need it. Clearly you can attract a hot guy based on Mr Gorgeous flirting with you so when you are ready you can get back out there.

Bella said...

I really don't know what to say, but I just wanted to drop a line to say that you're in my thoughts. Sorry, I suck at 'things to say', but I wanted to give you my support <3

xxBella

Emma said...

Sweetie :( I am so sorry you feel so down right now. You are gorgeous and wonderful and you need to know that. To be shown that by a nice guy, a good boy who will care and will love you no matter what. And he will come around but before that can happen you need to let go of this guy. He's no good for you anymore. Look how he makes you feel! You deserve way better.
Please feel better love and hang in there. Because even if that idiot wouldn't miss you, we all would.
-Emma

clytie said...

He has your cat? That would make me depressed!

Don't worry about the bingeing, everyday is a new start. I know you can pick yourself up.

Tatyana said...

*hug* Sorry, specially about the cat - I would so die.

New start tomorrow, shake it up. Do something you haven't done before. You're special, lovely and you deserve better.
<3

Razzley Dazzley said...

'The boy' is a stupid fool who doesn't know what he wants in life, your nickname for him rings true. Someone who toys with your emotions and hurts you repeatedly is some special kind of sick. To blame yourself for his faults as an individual is just madness. Get your cat, then ditch the loser. To believe that nobody loves you!? you have to be kidding right? You have all these people that follow your stories daily, people that relate, and yes they might not know you personally, but you laying out your emotions, ideas and dreams on this blog gives them a lot of insight as to who you are as a person... and guess what everyone here loves you. I am sure you have siblings, grand mothers, fathers and friends back home who adore you too, and, given the chance, would be at your side. Stay strong lady love, enjoy where you are and leave home where it is, at home, except the cat, get the cat :P