I think I may have figured something out... last night. Because, I was thinking about how I don't want to have this obsession for the rest of my life, but I just cannot face the reality of putting on weight and thinking about how much I would hate myself again for being fat. Like, I just can't deal with that right now. And what I figured out is that it is a flat out NO to recovery. Full on - No, I don't want that. Never. But in saying that (and this is the fucken break through) - it's not because I think that the way I am is okay. I don't think starving and obsessing about food is okay, but this is the only way I know how to love myself. It's the only way that I feel beautiful and don't hate every inch of my body. So until I learn to love myself without being thin, there is no chance of recovery for me. I kinda think it's important too, because it's hard to admit that this lifestyle is wrong and still refuse to change. And I think that kinda figuring this out has helped me to be able to say - yes, I know but I can't deal with the change right now.
My belly is finally starting to shrink after my week of heavy binging. Which is fantastic. Yesterday my cals were around 300. Today they will be about the same. I have an orange to eat still and then I'm done. After three or four days of 300, I'm going to go back up to 600. After all that binging I need a good quick carb and fat detox.
Edie & Love