Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I may have figured it out

I think I may have figured something out... last night. Because, I was thinking about how I don't want to have this obsession for the rest of my life, but I just cannot face the reality of putting on weight and thinking about how much I would hate myself again for being fat. Like, I just can't deal with that right now. And what I figured out is that it is a flat out NO to recovery. Full on - No, I don't want that. Never. But in saying that (and this is the fucken break through) - it's not because I think that the way I am is okay. I don't think starving and obsessing about food is okay, but this is the only way I know how to love myself. It's the only way that I feel beautiful and don't hate every inch of my body. So until I learn to love myself without being thin, there is no chance of recovery for me. I kinda think it's important too, because it's hard to admit that this lifestyle is wrong and still refuse to change. And I think that kinda figuring this out has helped me to be able to say - yes, I know but I can't deal with the change right now.

My belly is finally starting to shrink after my week of heavy binging. Which is fantastic. Yesterday my cals were around 300. Today they will be about the same. I have an orange to eat still and then I'm done. After three or four days of 300, I'm going to go back up to 600. After all that binging I need a good quick carb and fat detox.

Edie & Love
Xo Xo


Judith Marie said...

AMEN SISTER! Well done on your belly shrinking. Most of the weight will just be food weight and it will drop off just as quickly as it went on.
As for your realisation, well, I really couldn't have put things any better myself. That's just so true. This is how I love myself, and why would I stop that.

Miranda said...

I totally feel the same. I don't know how to love myself unless I'm think either so the eating disordered behavior must go on. I can't just let myself be bigger. I'm hoping that one day I won't care but for now it's the way it has to be.

Tatyana said...

Great enlightenment honey! Kinda same here, this is the only thing I can do to love myself, it's a action plan that I know will make me more acceptable. Working outside in and inside out. In a way I want to make myself look a like what I'm in the inside and feel comfortable with it.

Congrats for shrinking tummy! You'll be my inspiration for today... actually you're really good inspiration in general. I like what you have done with moving in London and taking control over your life like that.


VictoriaCrimson said...

Awesome thought processes! That is exactly what recovery is. I remember always reading about how people "learned to love themselves and their bodies for what they were", etc. and thought it was such disgusting bullshit. Loving yourself when you're fat? How?

But it's the same sort of thing as the "you can't have a good relationship with someone until you have a good relationship with yourself" idea.

Totally conjumbled, and I understand where you stand with not being ready, but the fact that you've grasped this concept is great. Onward and upward.

Ahava אהבה said...

thats AWESOME :) seriously, keep it up.considering nobody knows i even have a problem with weight...i've never had to deal with recovery. It's my little secret, and i want to keep it that way. I feel like my mind will never really recover from wanting to be thin, though. It gives me confidence, satisfaction, attention...i could go on. Even though i return back to my normal life, it is ALWAYS in the back of my mind when i eat a single thing. I can't wait to see your progress, it sounds fantastic :D

FatBitch said...

I think having a better relationship to your body takes really hard fucking work. I'm trying to reconcile my own body image issues and my admiration for fat-positivity folks... IDK. Not going so well so far.

Good luck, girl. Do what you need to do for yourself and you sanity right now. I definitely can relate. Sending good thoughts. ♥