Wednesday, October 10, 2012

A Perfect Script.

Vapid, vapid, vapid. Shallow as fuck. Part of what I spoke with shrink about is the exhausting aspect of living your life according to a script. Those were her words, not mine. But the funny thing is that they were totally true. And I've written about this before and I know there are some sympathisers. What this means is that we walk around pretending to be something, to look a certain way, hiding ourselves from the world in case no one understands. Part of it is the way we look. That feeling of knowing that everyone is watching you - going 'oh my god, LOOK at that whale', part of it is hiding things about our lives that are less than perfect. What is our obsession with perfection? She said that no one is perfect, perfection is an illusion. I'm not sure why this resonates with me. I suppose that everything we do has to do with the obsession with perfection, looking perfect. Dressing like a celebrity, partying like a socialite, needing to get straight A's or work promotions. Being the perfect person. And so this our script. We have to play along, because if we aren't perfect, then who are we? I am so incredibly flawed. So flawed that sometimes it bubbles over and I use the excuse of not wanting to be normal, ordinary or average as a means of explaining why I don't give a shit if people don't like me, or accept me... or are threatened by me. That they can't handle me. So fuck them. In reality though... I don't even know what the reality is to be perfectly honest. On one hand, I love fitting in. Just being a normal run of the mill person that doesn't have a funny accent, or a weird walk. Whatever. Its part of the reason that I love London... Because I am totally anonymous. On the other hand. I don't want to be invisible. I'm so sick of being invisible. I want people to notice me, which is why I dress the way that I do. Or why I want to be quirky and weird, and crazy. Maybe there is a relationship between the two though? Maybe, maybe I want to be noticed, but for being beautiful and thin. Instead of being crazy. and therefore being noticed for my flaws. Actually that sounds right I think. I don't know. All I know is that sometimes I wish I could sink into the floor. Othertimes, I wish people would see my strengths and in doing this we are living as if we were in a movie. Putting our best foot forward always. Or sticking to our repetoirs that we know work for us. Like everyone in the world is watching. Dyou know what I mean? Part of what my shrink said really pissed me off, but also I wanted time to process what she said. Lol, dudes. This is me processing :) 

Anyway, so today was a good day for eating. I had a handful of grapes, half a plum, some more of the stew that I made yesterday and coffee with honey. Me and my goddamn honey. ANYWAY. So today was good and this is day three without a binge. Goooooooo TEAM. Hopefully by the end of the week I will be under 60. I am going out on Friday night with a friend and I need to be under 60 by then. Problem is that the period is happening soon since today it felt like my ovaries were at a trance party in my stomach. YAY bloating. I don't want to be fat on friday. Fucking sigh. FUCK YOU MOTHER NATURE. What if mother nature is in fact a man? I mean. We all assume that whatever god is out there is a man. Why must the man be almighty and the woman be nurturing. This makes no sense. Lol, maybe from now on I will call it Pappa Earth. FUCK YOU PAPPA EARTH. Ahaha. Goddess, at least I make myself laugh. Sometimes my script goes from tragedy to romance, romance to drama, drama to comedy. What a fucked up movie it would be. Although, perhaps I'd prefer my life to be a West End musical. *ramble ramble*

Lies & Drama 
Xo Xo

4 comments:

Little Miss Thin ♥ said...

You might think it rambles but it makes perfect sense. I think I went down the gothic style route because I wasn't considered beautiful but weird so I think unconsciously I thought 'fuck you I'll be weird' and in turn found something beautiful in that. Ya know?
I love you Piggy <3 The Pappa Earth made me snort a little I am unashamed to say. xxx

Rhianna said...

I totally agree with you, everyone is just pretending, going along with what we've been told we should be or shouldnt be.
In a result, most people dont know who they really are...
Love the Papa Earth =)

Good luck for the rest of the week sweetie, you'll be fine.

xx

Tatyana said...

I also believe in this script too, people think I'm extraordinary because they cannot fit me in any box they know, and that rehearsed. I created a script that would make me illusion of something they think is perfect.

But we also chasing dreams... in a way I think that illusion of a perfection is a day dream. Always be better and always you'll find an rough edge you can work on.

Arianna Fugit said...

I've been reading your blog a while, but only began "following" this AM...I've never followed a blog before. I would've been fine just reading, but this post here struck so deeply with me...the struggle between wanting to be noticed, and wanting to disappear...I'm a quirky girl, I dress weird, perfectionist at work, I have to please everybody. And thinking of it as a script that I follow, well, that just reiterates how much that's not how I want to live. I spend hours wondering if this one or that one can see the two pounds I gained, or if I come off as looking for attention, instead of just spending time living. I read sites like yours, not for any kind of thinspo, but to consider the fact that I am not the only one who thinks this way. I have no one in my life to express these feelings to and I feel so alone.
So in short, I needed to "follow", needed to be able to write this and let you know how powerful reading this was. I am sad that you, and many of the other girls reading here ever have to feel the sadness I do. But it gives me solice to know there are others just like me. Stay strong and thank you for being brave enough to share what you do.