Tuesday, October 16, 2012

You know, without the stomach?

My motivation towards life at the moment is seriously waning. I have a bunch of work to do that I just can't seem to get into. Its like every word that I write is just a battle. My heart is just not in it at the moment and there is a possibility that this may have something to do with the fact that all I want to do is sleep. I slept all of yesterday, I slept all of today and now I am furiously downing coffee trying to stay awake long enough to write a paper that was due today. I remitted back to the client with some questions about the work as a way of buying myself some time... okay. It needed to go back because the dudes english is so awful that I really don't understand what he wants anyway. But still. I am NeVER this far behind. EVER. So all I can do is force myself to sit here. And try to bang out the words, but they are just not coming to me. I just want to go back to sleep and dream of a better life. Sigh. Fucking hell. What to do. WHAT to do.

I am going to start running again since I suspect that my need to sleep 24/7 has something to do with the fact that I am doing like NO exercise and endorphines and all that. But dudes, yall know I HATE exercise. Fucking. Hate. Exercise. But if it will make me feel slightly more awake, then thats what needs to be done. I need to quit smoking as well. But fuck man. I LOVE smoking. Its just so cold at the moment that going out for a smoke is agony. SO COLD!

In other news, I have managed to keep my calories today below 1000... about 700 so far I think and I am done for the day. I need to get this under control or the next thing you know, I am going to be huge and unresponsive. *cry* Backsliding, backsliding. Although staying alive and sane right now seems to be more of the challenge than keeping my weight down. I mean. I'm not gaining. Just hovering in the low 60's. Which is far too much. Far too much. Nothing to contribute. Fuck life. Fuck it all. Fuck food, fuck men, fuck Cape Town, fuck London. Fuck everything. Why is it always an uphill fucking battle. Over it.

Love & Drugs
Xo Xo


Rhianna said...

Hope you feel motivated soon =)

Sounds like your doing great regardless =)

Tree said...

I can relate to the lack of motivation...a lot.
Running will help! I suck at it still, but it definitely wakes you up :)
Good luck!

Arianna Fugit said...

How do we quit smoking when it means the possibility of gaining weight? At least for me it does. Its worth it to try though, just gotta get ourselves there.
Also- I have issues exercising too, but have you tried hot yoga? 800-1000 calories burned per session, and the endorphine release after blows the fuck outta running. Just be careful if you're restricting, drink coconut water and eat at least an apple before class or else fainting is an inevitability.

Good luck, stay strong, and much gratitude your way for sharing. Oh and yeah, fuck men and fuck food. Hate em both.

yours said...

Trying to quit smoking, start exercising, and diet all at once fucking blows. Trust me, I'd know... it's been the last month of my life. I find that a pre-workout supplement (I take Training Formula by True Athlete) keeps me going when I'd rather go to bed from the tiredness of low-calorie-intake. It may be completely mental, but I feel like once I start running, I don't feel like stopping if I take it.
Good luck! Keep up the good work! You can do it - I'm sure!