Friday, October 19, 2012

To Anonymous

So this comment was posted on my blog earlier today:"This is not heathly for you or anyone reading.. To have flesh on your bones does not make you fat!! I've often wanted to be thinner but never skin and bones, hope you feel comfortable in your own skin soon and are living a healthier life because of it x on"
Normally, I would swear, but this comment although it hopelessly misses the point really sounds like my mom would have said it and even though the bitch pisses me off at the best of times, you don't swear at your mom. So instead, Anonymous, I'm going to try and explain this to you. 

Firstly, we are all. acutely. aware. of the fact that what happens in our lives, the things that we write on these blogs, is not healthy. We are not healthy people. The presence of absence of this blog is not to lose weight or cheer each other on, its a place where the deepest darkest secrets of my life don't ruin my relationships. Did you ever walk around wanting to scream something at the top of your lungs, but you never thought anyone cared enough to listen. This is it. I can also say these things and not have my family and friends put me on social suicide watch. What happens here is understood as it happens and not attempted to be understood by people who see EDs as a cry for attention or.. losing weight. I know that it may seem counter-intuitive by this, all of this, has very little to do with weight. When I was hospitalised last year after suicide attempt numero deux, my mother was enlightened - through eavesdropping on a conversation that I had with the psychiatrist in the hospital - that I have in their opinion, an ED. I didn't chose to tell her, she took that information. Who could blame her though right? The point is that even though that was almost a year ago, every time that I speak to her she asks me if I've eaten. And the result of that is that I avoid talking to her. Because I don't want to lie. I can't tell her that I feel like an enormous whale that waddled out of the ocean because I've gained 10lbs. Because then she says: oh but you're so skinny, and you're beautiful, and you've got so much going for you, etc etc. Does that help? No. It makes me feel even worse, because I am not that person. What I look like to her and the things that I have accomplished in my life mean very little to mean. I still feel like a fraud every time I talk to anyone. And that is why I have this blog. I couldn't tell anyone how devastated I was and still am about my ex, because they think I'm going to try kill myself again. The point is that people don't understand. They just don't get it. And instead of feeling like you are standing in the middle of Times Square screaming your lungs out, but no one is hearing you. I chose to write it here. Being skin and bones is not about the look. Its about being perfect and light as air. And to a certain extent it about punishing myself for the way I feel. It isn't healthy, but it helps me. But yes, Anonymous, I do also hope that one day I will feel comfortable in my own skin, because for 25 and a half years so far, it has never happened, but I am ever optimistic. I hope that makes it easier for you to understand. Because telling an ED person that having flesh doesn't make you fat is like telling an obese person that they are skinny. As far as the mentality goes, its a lie.

ANYWAY, so enough of that. Today has been an EXCELLENT day. I have had two cups of tea and two plums. And I'm going to sleep. Feeling fucking good dudes, not gonna lie. I'm having a bit of grief at the moment with a friend who talks about herself constantly. I mean, i have nothing to say because all I do with my life is sleep, work and watch series. I am too terrified of the world at the moment to even begin to want to leave the house. But it is what it is. And its like if she says something like, I have so much work to do. I'll be like oh ya me too, 12000 words to write by Wednesday, rough. She will immediately change the subject back. I know my life isn't much, but the complete disregard for me... its hard to take. Very hard. I am alone in this world truly... all I have is my blackberry and my cat. Sad right?

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

9 comments:

Penny_Nicole said...

And us..,you have all 497 of us following your blog:) Oh yeah, wait! 498, I forgot about "anonymous"!

cammarie said...

omg that was so perfectly said! Hah good job! You set anonymous straight ;p Stay Strong

Miss•Genna said...

Well put,no one's deep rooted disordered behaviour is the same. We all have our reasons mostly tied to perfectionism. Most people posting anonymously in such a way are over weight (medically nor mentally like we are) and are in a way jealous of our determination. Like the fat girl with big tits saying you have the shape of a 12yr old. We don't give a rats ass what others think, it is a personal journey we attempt to put into words so that other disordered minds may read and find ressemblance, a companion (even if known only by username) to help us when others want to ruin us.

Din Mamma said...

Very well put. And no swearing (which I would have done)!

The Lovely Bones said...

You worded that perfectly. It infuriates me so much when 'anonymous' tries to tell someone with an ED that it's "unhealthy", I don't think anyone with an ED is under the illusion that what we're doing is good for our health. No one ever seems to understand that.
I hope you're okay darling, I'm glad you had a good day today over than that.
And you have so many others, not just your blackberry and your cat. You're never alone.

Emily Anonymous said...

It's amazing what can go wrong with good intentions.
I have to admit that I probably do things similar to this sometimes (the anonymous post). Even though I know it's not about weight I get scared for people because I know what a hell an ED is. The future therapist in me wants to heal them even if I know I can't.
If anonymous read this, I hope s/he realized what s/he said was a bad idea.

alice-k said...

I really like how you put the ED mindset in type. It's pretty spot on if you ask me! If any normal person {and I use that term loosely} were to ead tis, I don't see how they could further judge our blogs unless they are simply out to hammer people with their thoughts on how life should be lived.

My life is quite similar to your last paragraph. I've got my ipod, my job and my two pet rats ^^

Anna Stone said...

Love it. I get so angry when I see all this things about pro-ana sites and how destructive blah blah blah. And although "pro-ana" isn't really what your blog or most of the blogs I read are, they fall under that category. I am glad you were able to put into words the theory of sites like yours. And yes, as the blogger, this is where you go to scream and release these thoughts to feel normal. As the reader (which "anonymous" should know how important it is for us too), yes as the reader, this is where I go to realize I am not AS crazy as I think. I am not the ONLY one having these thoughts, these obsessions. And when you feel as alone as I have, you have, and I am sure many of your readers have, then you understand the importance of hearing a similiar tale to your own. Keep writing. Keep defending. Let all the "anonymous'" out there know why this is important, and helpful, and even healthy (at least mentally, peace of mind goes a long way).

PS. All I have is my laptop and my cat.

That Girl said...

You truly just described me . My dad keeps texting me, asking if I have eaten and had enough water. But I just stop answering because all I can tell him is yea dad, lots of water! Food?? Ehm no , Don't really want that shit. And then he would flip. I made my blog because of the same reason as you. I have always been the curvy girl in the family and classroom for that matter . But we all know curvy means fat. I heck of a nice way if saying it but a don't wanna be curvy a wanna be a skinny girl who can wear anything she wants and pulling it off ! But I don't know anyone who feels like that. So I seek the people here who can relate.
Xoxo Jo