Saturday, October 20, 2012

The Joy

So, with my pattern of currently existing like a vampire, which basically has meant that I sleep during the day and am awake all night, I have had a series of very random epiphanies. Well, not a series. But you know. First things first. I have managed to not binge in three days. Today will be the fourth if i can make it. I haven't weighed in two days. Mostly because I'm very confused about when the best time to do so would be. Because my morning is at 6pm at night... Anyway, I have been awake since 10pm last night and am determined to stay awake till 10pm tonight so that I have a normal sleeping pattern again. I am literally living like a vampire. Like, going to buy my groceries at 4am kind of thing. So this means that tomorrow morning, I should be able to get an accurate weight. I expect it to be around 60 flat :).

Anyway, as you know. A number of things happen to people in the dead of the night. Firstly, late night binging. Which is why I'm glad I'm doing okay. Although to be fair, every day has started off as a fast day until about 3/4am then its like. I NEED to eat. Late night eating, you know how that goes. Second thing that happens is the extreme night time sadness. Why oh why, I ask. Is it that everything is just a thousand times more depressing at night. Anyway and the last thing is that I get to think in the still of the night. And what I have realised is that for the last year, I have never gotten drunk or high without doing so to get happy or to forget. It wasn't like when I was in varsity and we drank to party. Or just because it was fun. Now it literally is self-medication.Anyway and because of this, I am not drinking or smoking until I have found 'the joy.' And now. The joy is the one thing that makes me happy doing more than anything else. Now, I'm afraid this is where my explanation may become a little... confusing. Anyway, so check it out. All of the joy in my life so far has been about people. Boyfriends, friends, flirting, hooking up, being awesome, manipulating people, getting what I want. But now, lets face it. That isn't 'the joy' for reals, because as soon as those things go away there is nothing and I am miserable. And its not like I'll never go through another break up realistically, so I need to find 'the joy' that is objective and purely mine and no one elses. SO, in looking for this joy I need to find something. And the something that I am going to do is to learn how to sew and make clothes. I have always always wanted to learn how to do this. THE JOY dudes. It is time to find the 'the joy', maybe if we do then all the other shit that happens won't seem like the end of life as we know it?

Today was fabulous. I went to the newagent and got the November Vogue and sat in a Nero for two hours and read the heavenly thing. This was significant for two reasons, firstly - this is the first Vogue I have ever bought, because in South Africa it is imported and really really expensive. And second, it is literally 300 pages of amazing clothes, thinspo and fabulously skinny everything. It is an unapologetic ode to everything that us EDs hold dear. Unapologetic thinness. Thank you Vogue. Although, I suppose the irony in it is that we wouldn't be the way we are without mags like Vogue, yet we worship it despite the self-loathing that the industry has caused. I <3 Vogue. Until today, I only read borrowed copies, but now I am the proud owner. If anyone knows of a good sewing teacher in London, hook me up :)

Love & Joy
Xo Xo


Din Mamma said...

When I have my all-nighters I always weigh in when I wake up, no matter the hour. You burn during sleep, and I want to see it at the lowest :P

Skylar Rainn said...

You should write a book called the "Vampire Epiphanies - Tales of the Late Night"

I would read it. xD

Anonymous said...

Hope you get your sleep patterns back on sched. And that's an amazing epiphany. The concept that you have to find something within yourself that brings you joy so you don't have to depend on others.

Ophelia said...

I love it when someone comments - really comments - and I just go, God, you totally get it.

Yeah. I did that with your comment.

I'm sorry I've never come here to read before.


p.s. "All of the joy in my life so far has been about people. Boyfriends, friends, flirting, hooking up, being awesome, manipulating people, getting what I want."
Sad, but very true. My therapist is trying to help me find what 'really' makes me happy - makes you realise that's a hard old task...

Judith Marie said...

My pretty lady, god I miss you. I hate this not having internet at home thing, but only one more week and that will be fixed!

On another note, I can't believe I'm about to leave England and I've not met you. Stupid me and my stupid absence from blogger. But I shall be back next year and if you are still here, we SHALL get that cup of coffee.

The joy for me also comes from manipulating people, which I'm better at than I give myself credit for. Makes me feel like a bad person, but that never lasts long.

At any rate, I'm currently reading vogue and loving the skinny!