Monday, September 26, 2011

What is Ana?

This is going to be a long one... Had a strangely revolutionary 24 hours since my last post.

First order of business is that I am FAT FAT FAT. I kept my cals to about... 650 yesterday which is great. Felt like I ate a shiton. But this morning the scales are not being friendly and I am literally up 3lbs. Can't believe it. I had one binge day, and now - 3lbs. Hello more fatness. On the plus side, at least it was only one binge day, unlike previous weeks where there have been three binge days. So yesterday was fine. Today - gonna try keep it to 300.

Yesterday morning I got stoned and started cleaning and organising. OMG, I did SO much laundry and dishes. Everything is pretty much now sorted out. I also made this thing to hold incense sticks, cuz they ash everywhere. So I cut out this box thing and got out my water paints and painted this cute tree field, picket fence thing. Although I got bored towards the end and fucked it all up. But it still looks kinda cute. I also got all my odd packs of cards and glue them down in a collage type thing, which looks kinda cool.

One of my former friends found out she was pregnant last week and is keeping it a secret. She has only been dating the guy for three months. Crazy girl. BUT she's happy. Now they are engaged. I said to him last night as we were falling asleep: You don't want to marry me anymore, do you? He responded saying: Why would I think that. I said: Hazarding a guess. He didn't reply. My relationship is officially falling to shit. I got up and finished off the dishes and folded some clothing. How do I make him love me? :( I need to be out the house more is what I have decided to do. So tonight, he has a late meeting. I have a doctors apt at 2 and class at 4, so I am going to study in the library afterwards. I mean, exams are coming up, so I may as well. I am just so scared. Where am I going to live? I don't think I will be able to cope with the thought of him with someone else. I don't think I'd be able to cope with that - suicide. But you can't say to a person - if you leave me i'll kill myself. I guess it's just bad luck that he got saddled with me - the crazy bitch. Maybe he will love me if I am 132. Maybe maybe.

The other thing I got to thinking about while reading posts is how some of these 'pro-ana' blogs have authors that eat 1200 - 1500 calories per day. That is a fuck load in my opinion. Like is it even possible to reach a skinny weight eating that much? For years and years I thought that 1200 cals was the right amount to eat on diet. I never got anywhere. And now if I eat 1000 cals a day, I feel like a whale and gain weight. I know it's just a perspective thing. But damn. Also, what defines ana? How long does one obsessively restrict before one is ana? OR is it a weight thing? A bmi thing? I don't agree with the idea of pro ana, because I don't think there are many people that have ana that would recommend being that obsessive with food and the guilt, emotion, god all of it is such a difficult thing. If you could stop obsessing about your weight and think that anywhere in the normal bmi range is fine and makes you feel sexy, wouldn't you? I'm obviously not judging pro-ana, I'm just saying maybe the idea of being for ana is a bit strange. In the sense that you would encourage people to be like that if they weren't. Supporting one another through these blogs is one thing, because we all share the secret, but pro. I dunno. This is all word vomit. Just thinking out loud I guess.

Last bit of info today is that I found these veggie pots that are meant for children that have butternut and sweet potato mash, corn and peas and it's about 120 cals. It's a whole meal of veggies. I'm so excited. Today I am going to have tea, coffee, water, an apple after class before the library and then one of these veggie pots for dinner. Should keep me around 200/250. Yay.

Thanks to all my followers and supports. Esp. Beth. God, you have courage lady.

Peace & Respect
Xo Xo


Sarah said...

Good luck with everything: exams, boyfriend, food. You deserve to be happy!

Anonymous said...

haha! thanks, babe.

And I totally agree with you.

I am a are one. I LOVE feeling hungry. I VERY rarely b/p.

and being so much "pro-ana" is sort of the same as being "anti-HIV"

"anti" you are against it.
"pro" you are for it.

I think that we are ALL "for" it, but not many people can actually go through with it. It is the hardest thing a person can do. That is what a lot of people looking at us do not understand.

Ana, is not a disease. It is a lifestyle. A Choice!

When we have relationship problems, Work, School.. LIFE! we have no control over anything. Ana, GIVES us a choice, and gives us control.

When everything else around us falls apart, we always have the power to control what we eat. And that is the one and ONLY thing, that no one can EVER take away from us.

allow me to step off of my soapbox now. :)

Anonymous said...

fucking christ! my comment was as long as a fucking entry!

Sorry about that, AND youre welcome.


Clear Girl said...

SO GLAD I FOUND YOU! We have the same height and goals! I honestly feel like we're the only tall people here :( it makes our weights look so bad..

William said...

Thank you for your support. :) It was a shit day but your absolutely right, there is always tomorrow. And it has been a while since I was that devastated by my lack of control so I have that much more motivation now. I'm going to give the doctor thing a little time, so if something is wrong it won't be quite as obvious. I'll keep a close eye on things in the mean time, thank you for your concern. <3
Enough about me, I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. Those damnable scales are relentless. And I'm extremely sorry to hear about your boy. I hope things start to get better. Stay strong <3

bottomfeeder said...

I totally agree with you about 'pro ana' shit. And that line you said- 'if you could stop obsessing about your weight and think that anywhere in the normal bmi range is fine and makes you feel sexy, wouldn't you?'

Oh my god. Do you ever feel jealous of those girls who are fat fucks but think they're hot shit? Cause I do! All the time! ugh

bottomfeeder said...

@Beth- I find your comment incredibly insensitive.

Anorexia nervosa is a very serious psychological condition that kills many wonderful men and women each year. Same thing with bulimia nervosa, but anorexia is the #1 psychological cause of death out of all other mental conditions.

Think about what you're doing to yourself before you 'choose' this 'lifestyle.'

Anonymous said...

@bottomfeeder- please kindly kiss my ass and keep your mouth and opinions off of me.

I don't need you to be concerned about me, but I do need you to post on whatever you would like and NOT put me out there in one of your comments.

K? Thanks.