This is going to be a long one... Had a strangely revolutionary 24 hours since my last post.
First order of business is that I am FAT FAT FAT. I kept my cals to about... 650 yesterday which is great. Felt like I ate a shiton. But this morning the scales are not being friendly and I am literally up 3lbs. Can't believe it. I had one binge day, and now - 3lbs. Hello more fatness. On the plus side, at least it was only one binge day, unlike previous weeks where there have been three binge days. So yesterday was fine. Today - gonna try keep it to 300.
Yesterday morning I got stoned and started cleaning and organising. OMG, I did SO much laundry and dishes. Everything is pretty much now sorted out. I also made this thing to hold incense sticks, cuz they ash everywhere. So I cut out this box thing and got out my water paints and painted this cute tree field, picket fence thing. Although I got bored towards the end and fucked it all up. But it still looks kinda cute. I also got all my odd packs of cards and glue them down in a collage type thing, which looks kinda cool.
One of my former friends found out she was pregnant last week and is keeping it a secret. She has only been dating the guy for three months. Crazy girl. BUT she's happy. Now they are engaged. I said to him last night as we were falling asleep: You don't want to marry me anymore, do you? He responded saying: Why would I think that. I said: Hazarding a guess. He didn't reply. My relationship is officially falling to shit. I got up and finished off the dishes and folded some clothing. How do I make him love me? :( I need to be out the house more is what I have decided to do. So tonight, he has a late meeting. I have a doctors apt at 2 and class at 4, so I am going to study in the library afterwards. I mean, exams are coming up, so I may as well. I am just so scared. Where am I going to live? I don't think I will be able to cope with the thought of him with someone else. I don't think I'd be able to cope with that - suicide. But you can't say to a person - if you leave me i'll kill myself. I guess it's just bad luck that he got saddled with me - the crazy bitch. Maybe he will love me if I am 132. Maybe maybe.
The other thing I got to thinking about while reading posts is how some of these 'pro-ana' blogs have authors that eat 1200 - 1500 calories per day. That is a fuck load in my opinion. Like is it even possible to reach a skinny weight eating that much? For years and years I thought that 1200 cals was the right amount to eat on diet. I never got anywhere. And now if I eat 1000 cals a day, I feel like a whale and gain weight. I know it's just a perspective thing. But damn. Also, what defines ana? How long does one obsessively restrict before one is ana? OR is it a weight thing? A bmi thing? I don't agree with the idea of pro ana, because I don't think there are many people that have ana that would recommend being that obsessive with food and the guilt, emotion, god all of it is such a difficult thing. If you could stop obsessing about your weight and think that anywhere in the normal bmi range is fine and makes you feel sexy, wouldn't you? I'm obviously not judging pro-ana, I'm just saying maybe the idea of being for ana is a bit strange. In the sense that you would encourage people to be like that if they weren't. Supporting one another through these blogs is one thing, because we all share the secret, but pro. I dunno. This is all word vomit. Just thinking out loud I guess.
Last bit of info today is that I found these veggie pots that are meant for children that have butternut and sweet potato mash, corn and peas and it's about 120 cals. It's a whole meal of veggies. I'm so excited. Today I am going to have tea, coffee, water, an apple after class before the library and then one of these veggie pots for dinner. Should keep me around 200/250. Yay.
Thanks to all my followers and supports. Esp. Beth. God, you have courage lady.
Peace & Respect