Drank and ate way too much this weekend. And there is something wrong with my girl parts - going to the doctor tomorrow to get it checked out. Woke up in a pool of my own blood on Sunday morning. Wtf. Anyway. I am so depressed and hating my life - sad, hopeless - giving up. It's not just about my fat useless body. I am just not happy. I don't have anyone to talk to - well rather I don't want to talk to anyone about it. Like I don't want people to know how sad I am, because then they are all going to be up in my face. I have been thinking about his ED thing, and thinking that I am not thin enough to have one. What defines ana? I am definitely not with mia, because I can't actually make myself sick. I don't use laxatives, mostly because I heard that abuse of laxatives will make you end up with an adult diaper. No thanks. And I do restrict, I am obessive with food and my weight, but really, my bmi is 21. That is not low. It is normal. When I have a bmi of lower than 18, maybe I will have an ED then. I also don't obsessively exercise, mostly because I am just shit lazy. I ate a lot of meat yesterday, because I am starting to bruise badly, so need to up the iron, but as of today - no more meat. I bet it just sits in my tummy rotting, staying there. My weight is up a whole kg from yesterday - it must be all the meat. So far today I haven't had anything, but it's my sisters birthday today, so dinner with my mother tonight - will eat very little. No cake.
I'm so fucking depro. It's all I think about. And I keep thinking that the only way out of this miserable life is suicide. The scariest thing is that I know I'm not wrong. I think it is the difference between attention seekers and actual suicide risks - attention seekers want people to know, I feel like I am just biding time - like I did almost two years ago - until I have an excuse to be over, like if he dumps me and I am on my own - just waiting patiently, I mean it is death, there is no rush. I can go quietly, by myself - no fuss. I don't want people to get on my back about getting better and trying to go to therapy and taking drugs, which is why I don't tell anyone. Since is my spot to rant... Anyway. Death doesn't scare me, I don't think it's a bad thing, it's just a solution to a life long problem.
God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Peace, Respect & Skinny Thoughts
Sorry to do more than one in a day, but fucking hell, I just found this on a friends fb page. WTF! No no no, this is not incorrect - bones are beautiful. FUCKING FAT LOVERS! Curvy is not beautiful, fat is no acceptable. WTF!