Thursday, May 24, 2012

Long. Emo. Rant.

I am getting fat again. I need to stop this, and it is even worse because I don't have a fucking scale to find out how bad it is. I am sure I am below 60kgs, so hopefully closer to 55 than 60. Soon I will be in my own place and then I can have a scale. Yes, yes, yes. In the meantime, no more honey in my coffee (okay, once a day) - which as you know is a MAJOR sacrifice. Then today I will have soup for dinner and some carrots to snack on. All in all, aiming for about 500 today. I have a shiton of work to do, so hoping to get that all done by about 5, so I can have a lovely relaxing evening. I have no idea why I am posting even. I kinda just felt like rambling on and on. I think my boy is having second thoughts about this long distance thing. Like, now that I have started actually planning he seems distant. This of course could all be in my head. But nonetheless. I don't know if I'd ever go back if he wasn't there. There just doesn't seem to be a point.

Why is our self-worth so wrapped up in stupid shit that we can't control. I don't know why it all affects me the way it does. I was thinking on Monday that if he had to break up with me (again), nothing in my life would actually change. It's just that in my head, I have convinced myself that everything will change. And because of that I would be upset. My head can't let go, even though it really doesn't matter. It's all in our heads. Maybe I need to remember that though, if I am ever forced to get over him. The distance is already desensitizing me to things that would have upset me when I was home. I just wish I knew that we were okay. I also want to move forward. I'm sick of trying to figure out if we should be together. Because I have decided that we should be, next. Next is us living in the same country again, as soon as possible. Getting married, moving on. I don't want to limbo like this forever. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of struggling and waiting. I just want to move forward. And I have moved forward in every aspect of my life, except there. But I'm too afraid to ask for answers, because firstly I don't even know what questions I am asking and also, I'm too scared of getting an answer that I don't like - which is the most likely thing to happen because he hates giving answers. He likes being tough and a matyr.

Sorry about the emo rant. Challenge anyone?

Emo & Sighs
Xo Xo

3 comments:

Judith Marie said...

hey my pretty lady,
hows you hanging. Firstly, honey in your coffee? I have never heard of this before. I'm trying to learn to drink my black coffee without sugar. I taught myself to have my coffee black, so I'm sure I can wean off the sugar too.
Your boy sounds a wee bit fickle. I have to say that I have absolutely no idea what is going on in his head. Ideally things with him would be perfect, he'd move to England, you get married and happily ever after, so what's holding him back?
What sort of challenge are you thinking of?
Love you lots my lady,
Judith Marie

Wings to Set me Free said...

I totally know what you mean about it all being in our heads. I'm dating a boy right now and we are from different countries. I leave next week and neither of us wants to try the long distance thing. But sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we didn't live so far apart. Hang in there. Ask questions even if you don't know what you are asking and even if you are afraid of the answer. Even if it's not the answer you want, you can stop obsessing. Good luck! xoxo

Jinx ANA UnRiddled said...

Hey, stay strong - I'm sure you guys will be ok. Everyone has rough patches.
But thats really good for you - you know, to be able to think you will be ok without him if things go south.
If you're really unsure though, then... ask him. Just say, maybe even if its just on facebook or the phone or something, just ask, "hey... are we ok?" or something... maybe that sounds cheesy, idk.

Good luck! Thats a good aim for intake. xx