I am getting fat again. I need to stop this, and it is even worse because I don't have a fucking scale to find out how bad it is. I am sure I am below 60kgs, so hopefully closer to 55 than 60. Soon I will be in my own place and then I can have a scale. Yes, yes, yes. In the meantime, no more honey in my coffee (okay, once a day) - which as you know is a MAJOR sacrifice. Then today I will have soup for dinner and some carrots to snack on. All in all, aiming for about 500 today. I have a shiton of work to do, so hoping to get that all done by about 5, so I can have a lovely relaxing evening. I have no idea why I am posting even. I kinda just felt like rambling on and on. I think my boy is having second thoughts about this long distance thing. Like, now that I have started actually planning he seems distant. This of course could all be in my head. But nonetheless. I don't know if I'd ever go back if he wasn't there. There just doesn't seem to be a point.
Why is our self-worth so wrapped up in stupid shit that we can't control. I don't know why it all affects me the way it does. I was thinking on Monday that if he had to break up with me (again), nothing in my life would actually change. It's just that in my head, I have convinced myself that everything will change. And because of that I would be upset. My head can't let go, even though it really doesn't matter. It's all in our heads. Maybe I need to remember that though, if I am ever forced to get over him. The distance is already desensitizing me to things that would have upset me when I was home. I just wish I knew that we were okay. I also want to move forward. I'm sick of trying to figure out if we should be together. Because I have decided that we should be, next. Next is us living in the same country again, as soon as possible. Getting married, moving on. I don't want to limbo like this forever. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of struggling and waiting. I just want to move forward. And I have moved forward in every aspect of my life, except there. But I'm too afraid to ask for answers, because firstly I don't even know what questions I am asking and also, I'm too scared of getting an answer that I don't like - which is the most likely thing to happen because he hates giving answers. He likes being tough and a matyr.
Sorry about the emo rant. Challenge anyone?
Emo & Sighs