Sunday, May 6, 2012

Recovery...

I always have mixed emotions when I read blogs that are being deleted or are now talking about recovery... Whilst I am really happy for those that choose to recover over being skinny, when I read blog posts about it I can't describe the emotion. Obviously, there is a lot of eating in those posts. And a lot of uncontrollable eating also. And while I'm reading I'm always like "YOU ATE WHAT!? AND THEN YOU ATE THAT!? Don't you know how fat you're going to get!? STOP STOP STOP YOU'VE WORKED SO HARD!?" Granted, I am in the fortunate position that I don't b/p so my habits of restricting are no where near as severe... I am older than most that post, there are a few of us that are older... Maybe we are beyond saving. Maybe there is no hope for us anymore, maybe we are set in our ways. But .... It's not like I don't wish the recoverees well, because I absolutely do, I just think my reaction is so unnatural. I don't want to recover. I love my bones and I've worked hard for them...

Anyway. That aside. Yesterday I had a whole calorie thang planned out but then the boy and I got into another fight which made me almost take a lot of pills. But I stopped after a few. I slept well last night. I'm not proud of what I did, but it's the only way I know how to hurt him.. Which is also fucked. I wonder if he knows how much he hurts me, I don't know why I feel like I need to hurt him if he hurts me. But I need to. Maybe it's because I feel like he doesn't know how much pain he causes, I don't know. He is in every fibre of my soul, how could I live without him? *sigh* Anyway, the point is that I didn't eat much. I had my strawberries as usual and some coffee, but due to the drama I didn't have anything else until my roomie forced some grapes on me and sugar free red bull. I managed to say no to A LOT of chocolate. So yesterday was about 250 cals.

Today I've only had my coffee. Then some strawberries, two small kiwis and soup. That's the plan. But now I have a fuckton of work to do which I have to get on. Fuck balls. OH and like a tit, I fell down the stairs last night so my shoulder is SO sore, I may have dented the landing at the bottom when I fell. Pretty sure I looked like a falling spider, leg's. A flying circus. The thought of what it musta looked like makes me giggle. *sings* Always look on the bright side of life *whistles* HAHA. Silly Piggy. OH and hopefully hopefully *fingers crossed* I emailed some dude looking for a hair model, so hopefully I will be platinum blonde and Gwen Stefani before I know it. I always promised myself (for at least 5 years) that if I ever got to 60kgs I'd have Marilyn hair, now i've been here for a while. I need the hair. *fistbump*

Does anyone watch Big Rich Texas? I want to be Whitney. Bad ass, skinny, rich, sexy. Speaking of which. I have SO much work to do. *cry* Let's get to it bitchessssssssssss.

Love & Peas
Xo Xo

2 comments:

Katie Ehrlich said...

I'm envious of the girls who are so close to recovery. But so happy for them as well. So don't feel like your reaction is unnatural. A lot of people feel that way.
XOXO

❤ ♥ Sam [Misha] Lupin ❥ ❣ said...

<3
quite so.
that's why i never believe in recovery.
"like a tit" - quite a lovely expression, sweetheart.
you'd look beautiful.
you would look beautiful any way, sweetheart, you know?
<3
-George DiCaprio